Kate, it's always good to hear from you. I hope you don't mind me asking but how is your other son doing?

Chickadee, no I don't mind you asking. He is safe and sound in jail. Has been there since October. I get 2 letters a week and he expects the same. Things around here have been crazy, I took another job to help make ends meet so have not written as much as I usually do. Actually that is a good thing as he is much more loving and respectful.

As always he says jail was meant to happen and the longer he is in there the longer he is off drugs. He is of sound mind when sober and has really good intentions. The problem is he is weak and easily led. One of these days he is going to get it. He is 24 and I was told that 25 is the magic number for these kind of kids. Apparently boys don't fully mature until age 25, at least that is what I was told by the counsellor.

He may have another 3 months inside, just waiting for a court date.

I will hope for the best but not expect anything. This is his journey.

As for my other two, I am a doting mother and they don't appreciate me. Don't do chores, expect me to pick up after them. I even drive them to school every morning so they get there.

Maybe some time at their Dad's will be a good thing, although I am really sad about it.

When and if they come back I can then set up some ground rules around chores etc. I can't do that now while they still live here. When they were younger I never got around to letting them do chores as I was in such chaos with my older son.

I am really trying to look at the positives. My daughter says she will come over every day and we can have coffee dates, my son is still thinking about what he wants to do.

Kate

Kate, just keep loving them and showing them that, as you allready do. The love that lets go, wins in the end. You'll see. They will be back. Try not to let them see your pain. Be the strong stable mother that they will need. And take this time out as a vacation, and spoil yourself for a change.

Hi Kate

Oh sweetie, I know how hard it is to have your kids come to you and want to move away. I had a hard time when my son said, at 16.5, that he wanted to move in with his dad (who lived in Pennsylvania at the time, we were in Indiana). I don't know how I would handle it with multiple children!

I felt betrayed. Pissed off. Angry. Sad. The works. We had always had a pretty decent relationship or so I thought and this felt like a blow that was unfair as it gets.

I ranted. Raged. Cried. Called my girlfriends and told them what an ungrateful SOB he was. All of it!

The day he left I sat on the floor and cried and cried and cried.

As time went on, I found myself looking at life in new ways. It was actually fun to have him be so far away, knowing (so I thought) that his dad was taking care of things and I got to be the one with the fun stuff for a change. Although his dad is a good guy in many ways, he is aloof and prone to using money to take care of things, not his time or to focus on the daily tasks we women do so much.

At one point, I actually felt guilty because I was enjoying him being gone. OMG, how could I do that? What kind of mom was I? Grin.

The true gift of the situation was when I realized I got to look at what I needed, without worrying about where he was, what he needed, what I should be teaching, etc.

And that process brought me to learning how to prioritize, follow my spiritual path, take courses that supported my growth. And, in the end, I believe I am actually a better mother to my grown son. Because grown he is and he gets to walk the path that was meant for him.

Because of my training and explorations into myself, I have been able to guide him in a very different way than would ever have been possible without him leaving. I stopped judging myself by how much I did for him, was for him, "gave up" for him. Which actually took a huge load off his shoulders!

Another great side effect? The mess in the house was mine! I could no longer groan and moan about what he hadn't picked up, the chores he hadn't done, or what an ungrateful poophead he was. Which also sucked eggs since I had only myself to point to when the dustbunnies started having races around my townhouse and I had to step out of the way so they could have their fun!

Set the rules you need to for the son who is staying with you. Coddle yourself. Give yourself the gift of knowing you, as an individual. Because you see, sweet one, you are one amazing gift to the world. And it is your time to shine.

kate, just checking in on you today. How's it going?

Well, I am adjusting to the fact that my daughter for sure will leave. I do feel that she has really unrealistic expectations. My ex has two kids, his with the girlfriend and her 10 year old. They are not well behaved kids. I know they will drive my daughter crazy and won't listen when told not to go downstairs. My daughter babysits and has told me in the past that she can't stand to do it but doesn't want to disapoint her Dad.

There will be 7 of them in a house with only one bathroom. Here there are three of us with two full bathrooms.

But, she needs to do this so I am going to be supportive.

Not sure about my son at this point.

I am looking at some rent to own options and may purchase a condo or townhouse as my rent is as high as a mortgage anyway.

I will only be able to get a two bedroom, one bathroom place but at least it will be a way for me to own. I have always rented houses since leaving my marriage and over extended myself financially so the kids can have space, a nice place to live etc. They don't realize how good they have it here but they will.

I started Birkam Hot Yoga. It is incredible for stress plus you burn 500-600 calories per 90 minute session. The first class was torture but now I'm ok. I am doing this for me.

thanks for asking Dotsie.
Kate

I really hope Kate, that your daughter will see the light and will come back to spend time with you. It sounds more zooish at her dad's place, with less space to be herself as she grows into adulthood. She will want that fantasy supportive mother who understands her needs,...that she left behind..:D

Will she have space and time to pursue her artistic tendencies? Very important perhaps right now...during major change she is choosing to make in her life ..if she gets more peace in her new alternate space???

Hope you find a good home to settle in.

The crazy thing is we get along really well. We go on coffee dates now, never fight or say an unkind word. I have no idea why she would want to move to her Dad's. She told me it's not because of him, it's because he has the large basement room and she wants to see what it is like to have her own place, sort of. Her Dad is going to put in a stove and fridge.

My daughter is a very sweet girl but, very unmotivated. I actually have three jobs. I am always around though as for the most part I work from home. I have a client that I see two hours when they are at school, and one two days a week from 4:30 to 6:30pm.

My daughter keeps saying she is going to get a job but doesn't. She hands out resumes but doesn't follow through. She has skipped so much school that she has to go to night school or she will fail grade 11. Last year and this year she has become very de-motivated.

Does she feel that I judge her, I don't know. I try to push her gently, but maybe without noticing I do it in a way that she takes a critising. I really don't know. Or maybe she just wants to party as her Dad lets her do what she wants. That way he doesn't have to worry about it. On the weekends I insist she is home by a certain time and she doesn't like it. It's often after midnight. She wants to stay out later and if she is at a friends I stay up late to pick her up which I complain about as I am tired.

We live in a one level house like a condo so when she has friends sleep over they are so noisy that I have to tell her to keep it down. Her room is right beside mine. I started to wear ear plugs which help a bit.

Maybe she just finds me too on her case but really I am not. I have to call her every morning to her out of bed but give up. I don't put her down I just tell her she needs to get to school as time goes by fast and she is so far behind. Try to find out if there is anything wrong etc. Maybe she thinks I expect alot from her and feels pressured I don't know.

I do know that her Dad switches jobs and houses constantly, owes all kinds of people. Still borrows off his Mom at age 50 and has defrauded people. My daughter knows this and not from me. I don't talk about him.

So, I'm stumped but she is moving and there is nothing I can do about it. I am afraid for her though.
Kate

Your daughter has a great deal of potential, Kate. I hope she visits you frequently.

Kate, I think she told you exactly why she's moving. She wants to try this because she THINKS it will be like having her own place. But we know better. Your husband has no idea what he's in for, having two teens live with him. He's got to feed them, love around them, listen to them, drive them, get out of the bathroom for them, etc. I say let her go and give it a try. I don't think it will last long. I'm glad it's during the school year because that should give her more structure than if it was summer with loads of free time.

All you can do is love and encourage her, stand back, and listen when she calls.

Yoga sounds fantastic. I can feel my sholders dropping, jsut thinking about it. I was going to begin yoga last week, but ended up not going. I really can't kneel and I don't want to be the one in the class who sits on a chair for certain stretches.