Hi Jabber,

Thank you for your thoughts. I will endeavor to take your advice and go slowly.

I do have one niggling thought. I wonder if remaining in the same environment is stopping me from moving on. His old behaviour is still "haunting" me. I wholeheartedly believe I need to get back to my old self and start again.

Expat,

A close friend of mine said something REALLY thought provoking when I started going through my "transition"....

She said, "Danita, I can't help but wonder how being married to him is holding you back".

Wow. Was she right. Divorce isn't easy. It isn't what is best for the family unit...but, there is hope on the other side. There is freedom. There is joy. There is abundance. IF, we chose to seek it.

One has to move THROUGH the tranistion of divorce unto what I call "abundification".

Keep the faith expat....my philosphy throughout my process was, "I'm going to do the next RIGHT thing". I moved slowly, but deliberately and I have no regrets whatsoever!

Again, if it comes down to divorce, I'ld like to mention other things (financial, etc)....but if you are getting an attorney you should be ok. We had an "amicliable divorce" until his girlfriend started pressuring him to "stop paying me so much"...and now, I am fighting for every penny he owes me for the past two years. :0( I am fighting for the principal, to hold his feet to the fire for perhaps the first time in his life.


hugs,

danita

Expat, It's good that you have that lawyers appointment. I bet you may even feel giddy and even high just for taking your life in your own hands. I once left my husband,...just for a weekend...and after the initial tears were wept,...I thought I could leap over tall buildings. He begged me to come back. I did, and my leaving cleared many things. But mainly he realized that I mean what I say. And if he wants to keep me, changes had to be made.
Good luck in whatever path you take. Just believe in yourself!

expat, you mention getting your life back. Do you journal? If not, this might be a good time to do so. It really gives you clarity. Maybe you could journal one way to get your life back each day, week, whatever. But journaling can definitely be beneficial during trying times. Just a thought.

Hi Expat

I'm stepping into this a bit late...and I've read through what these Amazings have shared with you. All of it is soooooo right on target.

I've been divorced twice...lots of long stories that I'm happy to share if there is a nugget in there for you. However, that said, you have the best knowledge of what is best for you. You mention that you don't feel this is right for you. I would say "honor that, you know what is best". Keeping the "shoulds" out of our conversations isn't easy AND it is essential for getting to what is important to you.

My 1st husband was a nice man...and people wondered why I left. He was nice, and still is, AND he was remote and loved his work more than anything else. My second was emotionally and verbally abusive, to both my son and myself. And, if I had listened to my heart instead of my "shoulds", things would have been a bit easier, although I know I needed to learn what I did to be here.

Please listen to you...step into a quiet space and listen to your inner self, your heart as I call it, and trust that you know what is best for you. You deserve the gift of loving...of loving yourself and having someone else see your beauty, your gifts, and your loving heart. You deserve someone to laugh with, share tears with, play with and work with. You are an Amazing, my dear, you truly are.

Remote. IMO a large percentage of men fit that discription.
Expat,
only you know what you've been through and are currently going
through. IMO many guys think they're the superior gender. I really think many men think of women as second class citizens.
My dad wasn't like that, but I've known several others who came across as such. I truly pray you find happiness!

As everyone else who has responded, you, Jabber, have made another good point. As much as I try to convey all that has gone on in my life, I still feel as if it comes across as menial, everyday occurrences within a marriage. Believe me when I say it wasn't like that at all. Yes, I know how it has affected me and it's not a normal transition into a comfortable life with your husband.

However, it not only affected me, but my children also. It was almost as if our presence was interfering with his life. One occasion when I asked him to help my son with his homework, all he did was yell at him to get it done and walk out the room. Naturally, it left him in tears, so I had to go in to calm him down. I'm deviating again.

Let me try and and explain a bit more. As I said, once he changed, I made a choice to concentrate on the children's well being. That meant, carrying on as normal, doing what I needed to do to keep the peace and "protect" my children whenever his controlling ways came to the surface. We were playing "happy families", even though I knew the truth. Unfortunately, by this time, I resigned myself to the fact that this was my life and I just got on with it.

However, and I am being honest here, I would have continued to live that life, had it not been for two things. One is that I reconnected with an old friend and a guy at church was friendly to me. My old friend assured me that I was worthy of love and happiness and that no one should treat me that way. The guy at church isn't anything, but mere words like, "it's nice to see you" and "I thought about you the other day" has made me start to feel better about myself. That last comment came about when a couple was visiting from the States and knowing I was American, he thought I'd like to have a chat with them. That incident happened during my separation and it was rather embarrassing as I was almost in tears during mass, just because he was being nice to me.

So, my indecision also stems from feeling guilty that I might want more out of my life.

Now this is the strange part. During one conversation I had with my husband, I was honest with him about the fact that because of the state of our marriage, I am now starting to "look elsewhere" for lack of a better description. For someone who claims to still be in love with me, his answer was rather puzzling. With no sign of emotion or devastation,(I'm convinced he is emotionally stunted ) he merely said, words to this effect "if you end up having an affair and going with someone else, the state of your relationship would most likely end up the same". ,So, in other words, he thinks I will never be happy with anyone else!

I will need to stop here, as I will no longer have the privacy I require to finish this. I hope you all understand what I am trying to say.

IMO most men are emotionally stunted. I'm not being flippant here, I really, truly believe that.

Jabber, you still on? I can steal a few minutes. So, do you think I'm being selfish?

Hi Expat!
I'm sorry you are in this position.
I've been divorced more than once, I've learned a lot. My aunt and uncle are attorneys.

Every divorce lawyer has his/her duty to tell you that saving your marriage is the best way. Every divorce attorney is advised to advise you to "play nice." There are certain ethics they maintain, at least here.

If you are certain, and I could not read the last page of posts because they would not come up, I would say, move legally, move fast and move sure. This is the way men divorce. They move fast, and they move legally. They talk amongst themselves as we are doing here and they turn off emotion and start to protect their assets.

You need to be your own tough lawyer. You need to tell your lawyer that your husband loves MONEY and you are not prepared to walk away with nothing. Have him lay out a plan and stick to that plan like it is everything to you. Don't try to out think your lawyer and don't fall for any talking, in fact, the less talking the better until legal papers are in place.

Things get ugly when they are drug out or if the woman does not protect herself soon enough. You need to be pro-active with this and think ahead. Have your attorney help you make the plan.

the man sounds to me like exactly what you are saying, not someone you can work things out with or want to work things out with.

Take care of YOU and YOUR CHILDREN, and be a bit ruthless about that. Some men forget their children when they start to pay child support.

How are things now?

Dancer9