Update:
My son (age 15) just wanted to find out if his Dad would let him move in. Now that he said he would, this seems enough for my son. He told me he doesn't want to move in with his Dad now. When I look back I realize what my son was doing.
This past weekend my son had a rugby game. He asked his Dad to come. His Dad has never been to a rugby game and my son has played for four years now. He played soccer from age 5 to 12 and his Dad never came to any of his games. I have never missed a game, not one and love to cheer him on, drive his friends take pictures etc.
When my son was playing I noticed he kept looking at the parking lot to see if his Dad showed up. He was not concentrating on the game as he was hoping for his Dad to come. I felt so bad. So, I called his Dad on the cell phone and said if you don't come to this game I am going to "kick your ***" well not exactly but told him I would never speak to him again. I made him feel real guilty so he showed up after my calling him several times but the game was almost over.
My son was happy he showed up but said he missed all the good parts. I told him your Dad just doesn't get it. I always tell them their Dad loves them but he just doesn't get it. I told my son that I called him and that he would have to answer to me if he didn't come. My son seemed pleased about that. It was one of those moments. It instantly made us closer if that is possible.
My son has been clingy since he told me he was moving in with his Dad. Last night he said he decided not to.
As for my daughter. I can't stop her. I believe that this will be a good learning experience for her. She is going to be 17 in a week and has planned a huge party at her Dad's house. He has no idea. I think she is inviting 60 people. You know how that is going to go. The party will get out of hand and my ex and especially his girlfriend will freak. My daughter knows that she cannot have her party here as I will NOT allow drinking. Her Dad will. She is using his place as an apartment for herself and her girlfriend without the responsibilities of paying rent etc. She is going through something and wants to show off to her friends that she is cool or something like that. This will all backfire on her. Like my ex she thinks moving will change things but her problems, issues will follow her wherever she goes. They won't go away just because she physically moves. But she doesn't get this yet.
She is failing in school, has no outside activities, or a job. I am bothering her by pushing her to excel. I have offered to pay for singing lessons, art lessons. I have found her jobs but she doesn't follow up. She wants things to come to her without putting any effort into it. Natural consequences are going to happen for her and these are the best kind of consequences. They are far more effective than all the nagging I can do. So, I have to step back and let it all happen at this point. She knows I am and will always be here for her, I have told her that. She knows I want better for her and she knows she has talent and is smart also told to her by me. Right now she is on a train that is going fast and she can't get off. I believe that train is going to crash. Not because I think my ex is a jerk, just because she has such unreal expectations.
I don't believe she wants to move to be with her Dad. She wants a change and his place has a good set up for her and her girlfriend to set up house. She basically told me she is not moving because of her Dad. She says her room is too small but it is so messy you can't even open the door - her choice. She says she is always late for school and her Dad lives right beside the school so it will be easier to get there. I drive both kids to school so there goes that excuse. I am always calling her to get up. She says she needs a change so instead of getting a job, making new friends, volunteering etc. she thinks moving to her Dad's is the answer. She does not get it. But one day she will and I will be here.
As for my addicted son. He may get out in February and this is a concern as then he may want to come home for a visit. I learned the hard way and have let him come before he goes to a recovery house and then he never leaves. So this time he is going to have to have a place, have his stuff moved there etc. before I allow a visit. There will also have to be strict rules around him only staying for the weekend. Or if it looks like he is going to pull a fast one and maybe this is best. I will go to where he is living and visit him there. I think that is best as after he gets out of jail, treatment he is often on shaky ground and wants to retreat to Mom's place.
Kate
( I am going to get my daughter a gift certificate at the local art college for her birthday)
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