Thank you Jabber and MamaRed.

Jabber, I hear you, but one of the things I want to make clear here is that I do not wallow in my pain, though it might seem that way because when I write about it here, that's what comes out as the focus, because that's what I need help with. But I get up everyday, spend much of my day doing lots of things for other people, and I diligently and as wholeheartedly as possible practise gratitude, pray for joy, thank God for the blessings of my life and talk with God almost every moment of the day, sometimes through structured prayer, mostly just chit-chatting my way through the day.

This pain, which now disguises itself as a sort of "deadness", is at the very core of my being and needs to be addressed, not ignored. I live my life around it, by putting blinders on and moving myself in a "mind-over-matter" way, ignoring the pain, ignoring the "why's"...but always, at the core of me, this profound sorrow - which continues to spiral not so much into depression as a deepset acedia, is preventing me from living my life JOYFULLY. Right now it's drudgery, not because I'm depressed, but because I've lost everything that used to make it all worthwhile, including God-as-I-used-to-know-Him.

And it's impossible for me to separate my pain from the pain of the world around me....all pain and tragedy rolls into one pain and becomes my pain too; whether it should or not, I cannot disown it. It affects me...we have soldiers dying in Afghanistan too...every death, especially young 18-19 year olds, affects me. I have a little sponsor-girl in Kenya, her poverty and hunger affects me and makes me both grateful and sad that I have so much while she has so little. These are just the tip of the iceberg of the "why's" that gnaw at my soul, these are the sort of tragedies and agonies that are at the root of my "why", not just my own pain, but all pain, all people that die of cancer, all tragedy. Yes tragedy happens to everyone, but that doesn't satisfy my need to know why. On some level, I grasp the whole free-will thing, but I also believe that doesn't let US off the hook, that it doesn't let ME off the hook to find ways to do my part to lessen or ease the poverty, hunger and pain "out there". I'm doing what I can, but it isn't enough, and there at that intersection of loss, tragedy and inadequacy lies my soul, knowing that I need to do more, not knowing what else I CAN do, and not knowing how to live with the gap, the inadequacy, because my own life's tragedies have rendered me lost and joyless...without faith and trust, everything I do feels like drudgery and makes no difference.

I cannot not ask God why. Not if I'm going to be in authentic relationship with Him. He knows that, He knows me, He knows that it's He Himself who created this heart that weeps for the reality of cruelty and tragedy in the world. And He knows that as soon as I hide any facet of myself from Him, including the questioning rage, we cannot be in authentic relationship. We will find our way through this - I do think that "acedia" does best describe it - to the other side.

Eagle,
I wasn't so much saying that you wallow in pain,
as advising myself and anyone that might, not to.
You are a wise person. And from your written words,
I can tell you are very sensitive. The worlds' troubles
hit caring people the hardest. Piled atop your own personal losses, everything is weighing you down. But you already have a wonderful relationship with the Heavenly Father! And I believe He will help us get wherever He wants us to be!!!! Prayers and
blessings,

I believe the Bible warns us that our inward turmoil is a spiritual war. The dark spirits are trying to pull us
away from God. They're trying to steal our soul. Keep
fighting the good fight!

Thanks Jabber. It's not our official Thanksgiving Day here (ours is in October), but I'm spending the day focusing on all that I have to be thankful for...and right at the top of the list (after hubby and grandchildren) are my Boomer sisters right here at BWS. So I'm thinking of and praying for each and everyone of you with thanksgiving and hope for good blessings today and everyday for all of us.

My ultimate yearning is to, as Lola puts it, want what God wants. And to bring more light, love, hope and joy into every dark corner in my world...here, "out there" and deep inside.

EAGLE what a delema i do not know whats in your hart, the innermost one But i do see you put into practice manie of things commonlie and not so commonlie put forwared to bring mindset out from trouble or pain, and you do do that, few post back you said how you spent much of your day in prayer and focusing on gratitude.
I worri as sometimes some people (not saying those that wrote) think that gratitude focused life and counting ones blessings SAVES US from pain, it dose't it might just save us being engulfed and drowning, and at best readress the balance between positive and not positive things in this world. As it is and afterall both play a part in todays realitie! Keeping balanse is looking at both things.

Sometimes do you wonder if we are all so solusion focused? I do!

I know when i am in great pain i want some kinda painkiller, to remove myself from that pain, and who would't, i know my physical pain exousts and raines me of a good bit of joy sometimes! That is coused by physical injurie, i have no choice but to change activities, lifestyles and accept a certine amount of pain even wih painkillers. This pain will not end its about learning to cope with it and minimising it behaviouralie and with medicasion.

EMOTINAlie pain, youd think the same be true eh! IT is and it ise't at same time. I move away from what i can from that which i should move from and stay with that i should stay with. Takes time to learn and o work out which is which, its a prosses, i make mistakes as it lacks the concretness of black and whitness of physical pain.

I also agree with you that the emotional/spiritual pain your describing is one that should be experinses. Don't ignore it, as you said probe your way through it.....and take a brake from it or the probing when you can and wen you should. I hoping you will learn your limits and when to focus and when to distract.

thers no easie solusion to this type of work/task. However we are all solusion based mostlie, So no one or good answere or suggestion will cure, heal, help, remove I can't find the word but fix this for you....BUT you alreadie know this don't you! Just in case someoe reading this hoping to fid the thing that works for them or you.

That onlie means keep sharring, keep questionig, feel the emotions of the world, god, your life situasion as they are, without diluting or changing them. Keep feeling them if your cross at your god then your cross, its ok and i hope no one thinks ya an unspiritual person, your the same person who's cross at god "becouse you are" who one day won't be so cross.
I take my hat off to you for admitting that it be so easiy to lie or keep it quite.

So all i am doing(hopefullie) is encouraging you to keep at it, it ends when it ends (if perminatlie) manie things will work maybee for a while but all together they help diffrent things at diffrent times, keep real emotionalie, keep sharring privatlie publicalie if you can, but keep sharring and don't give up and just accept things as they are, well accept them but not accept them if you get my drift.

i have to go now but i felt moved to have a wee chat about this one first! its not simple, its not straightforwared yet it has to be gone through, keep the process alive.

I had a big limp of icie lead like you described onse it belonged over my mums death and it shifted in the strangest of ways. I try rember to get back and share it with you when i got time.

and i very proud of you for what and how you have written about this so far, it moved me and had me thoughtfull.
take care. x

Celtic, you touch my heart right to the core. Thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your caring encouragement.

I need to reread your post, a lot to digest there. But two things poked out at me immediately...first, that we are too solution-based...that's indeed problematic when dealing with emotional pain, because sometimes there is no quick fix or easy solution, only a "going through it". I choose not to ignore my anger/pain/spiritual angst, or to take an easy way around it, because I already know myself well enough to know that I will just meet the same pain on the other side, or further down the road. And I also believe that when we don't acknowledge or tend to our anger it does leak out and it can do a lot of damage to our bodies, our psyches, and to everyone we touch with that anger. So for me, the only way to get to wherever my soul is yearning to go is to just go through whatever briar bushes lie between here and there.

The other thing that you said that spoke to me was to take a break from the probing...to learn when to focus and when to distract. Vital wisdom there, Celtic. I do forget to pull back when it overwhelms me (actually, I tend to come here and share when it gets too much for me to handle alone). And if I allow it to overwhelm me to the point of debilitation, then it becomes unproductive and damaging to continue. Sometimes the most amazing epiphanies have come when I've finally thrown my hands in the air in utter frustration (with God) and just gone on to do other things, as simple as vacuuming or cutting onions. My ongoing experience is that God IS listening and does find interesting - and delightfully humorous ways - to let me know that He's hearing my frustration and is with me every step of this journey. (I could write a book about the things He's done to make me laugh even when I'm so cross with Him.) There's no doubt in my mind that this journey is important and necessary, for whatever reason...it seems to have something to do with purpose and becoming more useful to Him. Knowing that, and being grateful for His companionship (and especially for the companionship of others He sends to help out) doesn't take away the core pain, as you say, but it does definitely keep me from from "being engulfed and drowning". Indeed, as people share their own wisdom, it actually exhilarates me and spurs me forward and closer to wherever it is I'm going.

I been hunting you dowen for second time eagle today lol.

sometimes i feel like i am asking people to repeat themselfs when they talkerd about something and i feel i am being rude so i came looking for this post.

generallie just wonderring how you were doing with acedia, if lola was helping and exiting new descoveries. then i found you post to me above.


i don't think i had read it so thaank you for thanking me an di am glade i could help just by thinking and chatting in my rambilie way.
I appriate the effort it takes to read what iv written when i'm not all clear to read me.

those twqo points about taking abreak and refocusing ones that saved me from being bogged dowen.

that we are too solution-based...that's indeed problematic when dealing with emotional pain, because sometimes there is no quick fix or easy solution, only a "going through it". I know i said it, you do it but i could't agree with me and you more lol

its the process not the goal as sometimes tehrs no end point. women more than men get this and i know thats a big genrilizasion but one i willing to risk that women do this better and we are better at be-ing with otehrs.


anyway any progress or life been too hectic in the holiday season.

Well, Celtic, your earlier post reminded me of the choice to "take a break" and refocus on the "now" of Christmas. So that's what I did.

Celtic, you speak such wisdom when you share your journey and your heart. Whenever grief began to overshadow Christmas, I thought of your reminder that I could physically remove myself from the pain…I was able to walk out of the room, turning away from the loved ones who used to sit in those chairs and then walk back in, focusing on the NEW loved ones sitting there now, including our two grandchildren who brought much laughter and joy back into the house and into our Christmas celebration.

As for the acedia, a very dear friend told me not to spend too much time trying to understand it...this is a person who loves life and celebrates every moment and has taught me so much about just "be-ing without guilt".

So I stopped focusing on the question of acedia and have started (again) refocusing on decluttering my mind of all that angst and just getting on with getting through.

i try to do the same as in focus on L as its his and i tradisions of christmass we now build. I want him to have good memories of the holiday session as so many people have so much baggie around christmass, if i can shape that for him i hope to do it in a positive way.

I have my pain of people a long time gone and absent people a short time gone, i grive when he brings this up with me and explaine ina kind way the best i can. I do not instigate it with him. In short if he has something to say i listen and deal with it when he didn't i left it and din't let anyone bother him.

christmass eve was a hard time for L he had a flood of memories si i delt with that and i was a bit sad and lonlie like yourself but i had companie and present to wrapp, so i dune that and was happie for surprise visite that night. I think i popped into heer to see how every one else was too.

your frend sounds fun and wise. Perhapps being and not forcing but being open to in its owen time will bring you the grace you deserve and desire.

you know something, thanks for giving me regulare wee compliments its very kind of you and i belive you genuinlie do se the good in people and even me lol. Thats a gift in itself and quite rare. oh they also pick me up at the srtangest of time.

I decided to do something nice the week before christmass for 2 people, but stuff got in the way and i could't mange i just relizing that a sillie doubt bout something stands in my way to do that thing i was gonna do before christmass and i waiting on one situasion to change. Si i just deciding to do it anyway as soon as i can and i sure it be ok.

their thats a nice end to the day, good bit of inspirasion, thanks for that.
Its just your givning of verbal stuff without fear thats my inspirasion