Hi Quirky

Well, here comes the "Parrot" (maybe that is what I should change my screen name to!...grin).

I've never been one whose physical attributes seemed to make her stand out from the crowd (other than being 5'9" in a world of shorter women). I was known, from a very early age (like 2) for being talkative and smart and believe me, in my family, those weren't good things! My mom expressed, on more than one occasion, her wish that I would be more like my cousin...nice, quiet, reserved...blah blah blah.

So for someone who never thought she was beautiful, it was an interesting thing, this aging bit, especially when I started the online dating gig when I was in my late 40s (now 51 and married). I loved talking to the guys online or on the phone and got serious anxiety attacks when they said "hey, how about a movie or coffee or something". I wasn't the skinny minny, I had "weird" beliefs, and wasn't conventionally beautiful...all of which seemed important when I started reading profiles: "Hi, I'm an old fart, with a belly that hangs over my beltline by a mile and I want a slim, tanned, toned goddess who wants sex by the bucketful". Not too much of an exaggeration I tell you, especially after 3 years of on again/off again dating!

What is interesting is that guy after guy met me and commented on my "beauty", threw me for a loop I tell ya! If I had more than 1 date, I found that they were seeing me through lenses that I wasn't using: they *were* seeing kindess, compassion, laughter, joy, passion. All those things. I was totally stunned. I was holding them "small" by my own focus (I mean no disrespect to anyone by the way).

That doesn't mean all of the dates went well, and that is feedback I got frequently. Turns out I was the one totally freaked about the outer, not them. That doesn't mean there weren't others who wanted the conventional, outer beauty...they weren't even in my sphere because of the spiritual/metaphysical bent to my profile.

I, too, (no duh, eh?) have felt isolated, although I have felt it less as I've looked at the world through different lenses. I was one of those who wanted people around ALL the time and wanted EVERYONE I met, or didn't meet, to like me, want to be around me, adore me, yes, adore me (although I couldn't adore me for all the tea in China!!).

I say I would love to have my eyes done and my face "resurfaced" and my belly tucked and veneers. And I would. Or at least I thought I would until the plastic surgeon who was removing a gazillion moles said "hey, I could take care of those eyes for you and resurface your skin...and it is only $5500 and has the same risks as any other surgery". Having had about 14 surgeries in my lifetime, I'm not sure I want to take on those risks AND I want those things done and my DH said "sure, go ahead honey, you want to be in the public eye, right". I was devastated, positively devastated, when he said that! Took him some fast talking to convince me that he loved me, with or without the surgery. He managed to hit a very tender spot, what I call a button, big time.

In addition to all the things I have commented on regarding physical appearance, I had stopped buying clothes that fit me well...either physically or stylistically. I look best in a rather eclectic, colorful wardrobe and had gotten into the habit of wearing black, black and more black...oversized, wrongsized and othersized. Which meant I felt invisible and wanted to be so that no one could hurt me by saying something like "what is that fat old broad doing wearing something like *that*! And it became a vicious circle.

I had it come up again when I attended a training class this summer in San Francisco. It seemed, to me anyway, that the women all had beautiful clothes, striking jewelry, and slim to slightly rounded bodies. And I felt my old pain.

When I returned home, I was having a discussion with a young man who has a heart of gold, is a single parent with sole custody, young and is VERY easy on the eyes. We were discussing some business issues and life changes came up and off we were on another tangent. The issue of looks and my insecurities came up and he was speechless, for a moment. He said "Mama, don't you realize NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, can say what you look like or even notices? When you stand up to speak, or share, or coach, the only thing any of us sees is your passion for life! Don't you realize you changed my life and perceptions, forever, when we were last together?"

I was speechless...not an easy thing to accomplish I'll tell you. And once again was reminded that maybe, just maybe, it is the set of lenses I'm using when I get depressed, feel invisible, unloved or unnoticed.

I've learned that the more I change my outlook and my perceptions, the more I things in a different way. And there are days it sucks, big time, and I don't want to try to revamp my thinking or change my word choice, or keep working on me. I want everyone else to see it my way...I swear, that is when the
the 2 year old is stomping her foot and wanting the rest of the world to cater to her!

FYI: I write what I write with no intention of casting any aspersions or unkindnesses to previous posters

All the tucks and lifts and fake this and that won't help a darn thing if you do not feel beautiful from within. Its dam hard when over 60, (cough, cough, who said that?)

Anyway, truth is truth, when aging or older already you have to shine from within because all the cosmetic stuff fades fast if those eyes don't sparkle and that smile doesn't light up the room, and that ladies can only come from within.

I think we are all hot, we are women, hear us roar...

Maybe I'm the odd one here because I've never felt invisible. Even when I try, I don't seem to have that knack.

It took a few years after menopause to get used to the physical changes. I didn't feel like ME for a while. Then I said -- screw it all, this is who I am now and if someone has a problem with it, it's THEIR problem.

I've had my share of medical surgery and have no desire to go under the knife again unless absolutely necessary. If someone thinks less of me because I'm getting older and not jumping through hoops to hide it -- that just tells me what a shallow stupid person they are, and Do I care??

I'm not trying to be flippant about anyone else's problems. I just wish women weren't so beaten down by society's expectations.

I've never felt invisible either Meredith. I have a don't care attitude mostly. I don't care what others think about me, It's what I think about me that's important. I said screw society and what they think is proper when I was in my early 20's.
As for aging...well it beats the alternative.

Mama Red, Hooray for your post! You said it all! It all comes from within.

I never feel invisable either. My genes are aging well but some things I never liked about myself. I just had to learn all the lessons that Mama said.

I have modeled and I have done some of that again for boomer looks but I never really saw beauty in the mirror. It took liking myself to bring that into focus.

Also, if one does not feel well, it can show. If you are happy and well, I think your smile DOES light up a room, even IF you are sixty and I know a few women who are.

Age is becoming a number thanks to the boomer people and that is one thing we can leave for the next generation. We will age nicely and if we can stay away from the knife in a big way, it would help.

As Meredith said, plastic surgery is down, down, down, with the economy down. I think that's great. It might change the way we look at ourselves and stop that lift from looking real, the way others believe it is on television. The face lift looks weird to me, but that's just me.

What's in a face? Everything. If someone changes your eyes, your face, your mouth, you get someone else back, just look at the actresses who have gone under the knife!

I have a friend who has had so many lifts that at the age of sixty something, she has what may look like from afar, a young body and face. If you get close to her she looks alien! I'm not kidding, she needs to stop with the lipo, the face and eye lifts, etc...

Only my opinion.

Dancer

Hi Dancer!

Thanks...it has been an interesting and challenging journey sometimes and it says a LOT about the fact that I let others determine how I felt about me! And as I tell coaching clients, it is your perception that can change, if you choose for it to!

I'm more relieved for being valued who I am as a person at this time in life.

The whole business of feeling "invisible" or "visible" is abit ironic to me...when I spent alot of time as a teenager to minimize visible differences since there were approx. 15 Asians in a school population of 2,000 where I went.

So my personal past demons was more on feeling like a real visible minority. Issues of beauty were important but secondary in my "angst" at that time.

The most important thing to me as I age, is to look and sound alert and lively.

It's difficult for me to be "invisible" since I'm a plus size woman!

I find I often get puzzled looks from younger folks when I mention certain TV programs, actors/actresses, singers, songs, etc. I call it the DL (dumb look).

Also, because I'm quite the technological virgin, I've received the rolling of the eyes because I don't know how to operate a digital camera.

I have body parts that are traveling south, and aches and pains and stiffness, but I still have a young spirit. I am a woman who is proud to be 56. My life has, and continues to be, an adventure.

People can say "50 is the new 40" all they want. As for me, I'd rather not go back in time.

Hi NYWoman!

Nice to meet you and I'm a plus size woman too...with red hair, 'cuz I say so! And, when I can find things I like, I love color! So I'm definitely not physically invisble, that's for sure!

So you're a technology virgin, eh? I bet you *do* get some interesting looks!!!!!! Seems like we're all "SUPPOSED" to know all this stuff.

I'm glad to hear you don't want to go back in time...means you're enjoying what you have and who are you right now!

I agree with both of you MamaRed and NYWoman. Altough I see no corralation with being plus size and being computer nerdy, I too am both. I stay away from the younger know it all types, they really tick me off sometimes. But the realization that no matter what they are now, they shall one day be fat and probably sappy too and that makes me smile...