Hi honey

Living through the aftermath of abuse sucks...big time, no ifs ands or buts. What you went through isn't right, or fair, or kind or any of those things.

AND, I know for a fact you deserve better than you're receiving and that this is the best they can or they would do better. AND, this is a big AND, you don't have to continue suffering for it.

Baby steps, sweet one, baby steps. I've read of the care and love you give your animals and that is what you get to lavish on yourself. It is sooooooooo easy to say and often soooooo hard to do. So, if needs be, think about how you would treat an animal, maybe your beloved horse, if they had been treated as you are being treated. I may be mis-remembering and wasnt't it you who got your horse out of a situation where he/she was being mistreated?

Even if not, it is still a good example.

Write the list and take one action...one is a start sweet one, one is a start. And, if you would consider it, cut yourself some slack (gee, this is becoming a theme for me...grin) and focus on the things you have, and are, doing!

As for the anger, I've found suppressing it or saying it is bad/wrong doesn't do much in the way of an outlet for it. As long as you feel it, it needs a way to be released. And maybe you could find a constructive way to let it out...my DH actually set up a box in the garage with old glassware and got me a pair of goggles to wear so I could let out the anger/rage without hurting myself or anyone else. I was touched, even though I didn't go that route. I needed a verbal outlet for me and so found a place to scream and yell and throw things, even tho' they weren't breakables.

Without an outlet for the anger, done, sometimes, until you're so drained you think you'll never move again, you don't tend to be able to move to the next step.

One course I was in set it up so we could have a good primal scream. I was so inhibited and threatened by my own anger and fear of it that I was unable, at first, to even participate. It was a pillow/chair exercise where you put a pillow on the chair and beat it as if it was something/someone you were made it. As I said, it took a bit before I could let loose enough to do anything...I was taught anger was wrong, destructive and unladylike.

Later on, I returned to the course as a volunteer and helped others walk through the exercise. One precious soul had been horribly abused...hearing his words tore at my heart so deeply...and I stayed with him as he went through the rage and pain...and when he was done for the night(although I have no doubt he found more later), he was a limp rag, worn and frazzled and ready to find something else.

I don't have a counseling degree nor am I a therapist, so I don't want to be recommending anything that could hurt you in any way. I'm sure others here have more knowledge around this topic. AND I believe it is important to acknowledge and honor the anger in some way shape or form...and that it is vital it be done so it doesn't hurt you or anyone else. There has been enough of that and I have no doubt, from your posts, that you have no wish to continue the tradition you came from.

And please, sweetie, please know it is normal to want to have the love of your family. This is the gift you bring to the world...by choosing to stop the way you are being treated, you are choosing that it stop with you!

One step at a time, one page at a time.
With all my love...MamaRed