EW--what a saga. It seems like your son and DIL's lives are taking their natural course. Luckily the court there has some sense. I don't know that US courts are as rational but this isn't the place to talk about that. Anyway, young humans are very resiliant, and certainly A will become stronger through it in the end, especially as she has a strong figure like yourself in her life. Her mother's experience is part of who she is. She'll definitely need you around in coming years to help her negotiate that relationship. One of the benefits, and maybe burdens too, of being grandparents is we have the capacity to see the end in the beginning -- it's a burden because it we can see potential peril in every moment, because we can foresee a possible outcome and want to protect. But the benefit is that you know A will become a woman and has already bonded with you so it's a bond you can build on. And as others have said, you can hunker down and be patient. What's a decade, after all? Seems like nothing at our age.

Dotsie -- Where I lived in the Chicago area when my older kids were little, there was a family who'd adopted an Eskimo (Inuit) girl. I baby sat for her when she was little, and she babysat my kids when she was older. Her family was Jewish. Her mom was a good woman but rather self centered and overbearing, and she didn't really understand the needs of this daughter. It's a predominantly white Christian area, and in high school the girl became Presbyterian and dyed her hair blonde, desperately trying to "fit in."

In her 20s she started trying to contact her birth mother and sent letters to small towns in Alaska. A local paper there did a story about it, and they ended up flying her out there for a reunion with her mother. Well, it was a nightmare --the birth mom was a terrible alcoholic, very immature, and actually threatened and accused her. It was a very sobering experience (no pun intended) to say the least.

In the end, she grew to understand her adoptive parents more, and never really said more about her "origins."

EW -- Obama identifies as both. One problem he had during the campaign was being accused of not being "black enough." Race is such an odd thing. It's one of the cool things about sites like this is that we have a meeting of the minds, without knowing what each other looks like, what are our colors and disabilities, etc.