EAGLE what a delema i do not know whats in your hart, the innermost one But i do see you put into practice manie of things commonlie and not so commonlie put forwared to bring mindset out from trouble or pain, and you do do that, few post back you said how you spent much of your day in prayer and focusing on gratitude.
I worri as sometimes some people (not saying those that wrote) think that gratitude focused life and counting ones blessings SAVES US from pain, it dose't it might just save us being engulfed and drowning, and at best readress the balance between positive and not positive things in this world. As it is and afterall both play a part in todays realitie! Keeping balanse is looking at both things.

Sometimes do you wonder if we are all so solusion focused? I do!

I know when i am in great pain i want some kinda painkiller, to remove myself from that pain, and who would't, i know my physical pain exousts and raines me of a good bit of joy sometimes! That is coused by physical injurie, i have no choice but to change activities, lifestyles and accept a certine amount of pain even wih painkillers. This pain will not end its about learning to cope with it and minimising it behaviouralie and with medicasion.

EMOTINAlie pain, youd think the same be true eh! IT is and it ise't at same time. I move away from what i can from that which i should move from and stay with that i should stay with. Takes time to learn and o work out which is which, its a prosses, i make mistakes as it lacks the concretness of black and whitness of physical pain.

I also agree with you that the emotional/spiritual pain your describing is one that should be experinses. Don't ignore it, as you said probe your way through it.....and take a brake from it or the probing when you can and wen you should. I hoping you will learn your limits and when to focus and when to distract.

thers no easie solusion to this type of work/task. However we are all solusion based mostlie, So no one or good answere or suggestion will cure, heal, help, remove I can't find the word but fix this for you....BUT you alreadie know this don't you! Just in case someoe reading this hoping to fid the thing that works for them or you.

That onlie means keep sharring, keep questionig, feel the emotions of the world, god, your life situasion as they are, without diluting or changing them. Keep feeling them if your cross at your god then your cross, its ok and i hope no one thinks ya an unspiritual person, your the same person who's cross at god "becouse you are" who one day won't be so cross.
I take my hat off to you for admitting that it be so easiy to lie or keep it quite.

So all i am doing(hopefullie) is encouraging you to keep at it, it ends when it ends (if perminatlie) manie things will work maybee for a while but all together they help diffrent things at diffrent times, keep real emotionalie, keep sharring privatlie publicalie if you can, but keep sharring and don't give up and just accept things as they are, well accept them but not accept them if you get my drift.

i have to go now but i felt moved to have a wee chat about this one first! its not simple, its not straightforwared yet it has to be gone through, keep the process alive.

I had a big limp of icie lead like you described onse it belonged over my mums death and it shifted in the strangest of ways. I try rember to get back and share it with you when i got time.

and i very proud of you for what and how you have written about this so far, it moved me and had me thoughtfull.
take care. x