Lola, your offer of companionship-along-the-way brings me to tears. I do suffer from chronic depression and am easily able to find help for that through psychological means. But when it, as you say, overlaps the spiritual, I feel more in need of a good spiritual mentor/director, and that is much more difficult to find. The line between the two can get fuzzy and it is sometimes hard to determine which one is at play. But I've known for quite some time now that the part of me that hurts the most is my soul. I can find a good psychologist to help me so far, but haven't been able to find anyone who can go into the depths of my spiritual agony with me.

There was a time, before death struck at the very core of my life, when I existed almost entirely on faith, love and trust. I weathered the death of my Dad okay, normal grief process. And losing Mom became more of a journey of reconciliation with my inner self than anything. But the loss of my brother through cancer, combined with the loss of another brother and many other beloved family members because of another unresolved and ongoing (devastating) situation was the straw that broke that camel's back, so to speak. That accumulation of loss is at the core of my sense of abandonment and betrayal. Yes, grief is still at play, but beyond the grief, there is an utterly miserable feeling of having been forsaken by this Someone who has been faithful, loving, kind, responsive and present through every other facet of my life up until now.

I know my love for Him has to be for Him-as-He-is and not for what He can do for me; and He's not the master magician who can wave a magic wand and make everything better. My faith has grown beyond all of that and accepts the need to transition into a purer relationship between soul and Creator, both as is and both as each must be in the course of Creation continuing to unfold.

Yes, the "why" is the prickly bush that keeps me from progressing. The "why" of having it all one day and then in the twinkling of an eye, having nothing left. Surely (I ask Him) You could have devised a more merciful timetable?!

Anyway, hubby's calling, we're out for errands. I don't know how others would feel about me taking parts of this journey here. I do know that a caring companion-along-this-way would be welcome. Thank you Lola, Edelweiss and Celtic for your care. It helps.