I pray unceasingly, all of the time; even when busy with other activities or other people, there is always prayer going on deep underneath. I can feel it, hear it and can sense constant Presence and Companionship even in the midst of chaos. So sometimes, during quieter moments or intentional contemplative times, the prayer is with undivided heart, or as much as is possible at those moments; but often, especially during the day, it is admittedly with divided attention and distractiveness; but even then my soul often feels itself to be kneeling in prayer even when the rest of me, especially my mind, is running around doing what it thinks needs to be done. Every day I invite/ask that the Holy Spirit will continue praying, especially for loved ones and special intentions, even when my mind gets too foggy or forgetful...and I trust that that's why my inner being often feels itself to be in a stance of prayer even when the rest of me isn't.

That hasn't changed even through the devastating changes that my life has gone through in the past couple of years. However, my conscious prayer life has changed drastically. I suppose that sounds unreal, how the inner sanctuary still burns with fervent passion for a God that the conscious part of me wrestles with! That part of me wants desperately to believe and trust with complete surrender, but that part of me has also been hugely wounded and cannot comprehend or process the utter sense of abandonment I feel because of these changes - which I brought to God at the time with a heart FULL of trust and love, only to be inexplicably betrayed. Or at least that's how it feels. And that DID lead to a spiritual repugnance, a long period of deadness within, and a deliberate refusal to acknowledge this God, my lifelong beloved trusted companion, who could so easily and callously betray me to that extent. Something deep inside of me knows that's not the case, but still it took me a long to time to forgive God...now I just need to find that inner sanctuary and enkindle those smouldering embers back into the fire it wants to be again.

I'm working through it all, and know that God is working through it with me, understanding my anger, pain and sense of abandonment. Everytime I plead with Him for answers, I hear the same thing, a two-fold message: "There is more going on than you can see right now, but all is as it should be" and in response to my pleading as to why I can't feel better: "...because you don't know that you are loved."

I can see how acedia would have been the bane and temptation of even the most profoundly spiritual...for me, the closer I get to God, the more questions I have about the "why" of so much misery and cruelty in the world - that's so inexplicable and I still cannot reconcile those "why's" with a God I KNOW loves beyond our ability to even imagine. I think that the only way through (for me) is to surrender myself to trust that there always is more going on than we can see, and to simplify my needs and wants to the point where I don't depend on anything or anyone else for the essential vitality of my life - right now that elicits bleakness, but maybe that's because I'm not there yet.