The book is the one Dotsie sent to me called "Setting Boundaries for your adult children"
It's all about how we as parents often do too much for our kids and keep them dependent.

My other two children (teenagers) do not resent me for helping my son. But, they do want me to stop helping him. They are tired of the scene as he continues down the path of self destruction. They love their brother and are hurt by his behaviour.

As for counselling my youngest son did see the school counsellor for a year. When it comes to teenagers, you cannot force them to go to counselling. Well, I guess you can but they won't participate so there wouldn't be much point.

Children/teens have to want to seek help. They find it embarrassing. It's kind of like making someone go to treatment when they don't want to go. They will just close down and be there in body but that's about it.

The 11 year old is my ex's girlfriends daughter. She is abusing the son that they have together. Or at least she has. A social worker is involved and I believe that she was abused by either her father or someone in the family and she is acting out. I find this situation unfortunate as I can't shield my children from the situation.

I try to keep the communication open so they can feel free to talk about it or anything else.
Kate

Kate, I have been following and praying for you and your family.
I will add the 11 yr old to my prayers also. So sad.
Please tell us more about the book as you read through it.

Hi Kate, thank you for taking the time to explain some of the situations to me. As for sexual abuse, not all who abuse have been abused however, when it comes to an 11 year old, she learned that behavior from someone. So no doubt she was abused. It's good that a social worker is involved. You must be at wit's end, at the end of wit's end. I'm glad there is a book that you find helpful.

Kate, I'm so glad to hear the book is helping. Allison Bottke is the author. I correspond with her occasionally. I'm going to tell her what you've said here. I'm sure it will make her feel good to know her experiences, her words are helping others. That was her intent. Please stay strong!

OMG Anne, what an a** he was to do such a thoughtless thing to you. Some people should never be allowed to be parents, especially those who haven't a nurtuing bone in their body.

I adored my mother BUT followed my father around like a puppy dog, and he taught me all the things a man teaches his son. I am very handy around the house. You see my brother was epileptic from age 4, and my mother babied him all the time and he was more like a little girl than I ever was. I guess my dad made me into his son is some ways. He use to brag to his buddies, how good I was at fixing things or just figuring out how to do it. That meant everything to me!

Isn't it interesting how we describe our relationships with our fathers? I wonder if they would describe them the same way...

I'm going to a talk tonight put on by the hospital. It is with a very well known addictions doctor who has written many books on the topic.

I am also going to write a letter to my son explaining that he is basically on his own from now on. I will be here for him as his Mom, but not as his Number #1 Enabler.

I hope to get some feedback from my support group as I am thinking long and hard before sending this letter. As he is in jail he is a captive audience.

I have always sent him letters of support in jail as I feel it's difficult enough to keep a positive attitude so that is why I am wanting to really think long and hard about how to word this letter.

It has to be done though as he will get out eventually and I want him to know that my home is never going to be an option (for him to come back to) and that there will be no more money coming his way.

He is the one that makes these very negative choices, and I am not going to help him to continue in this. I can't make him change, but I can decide for myself if I want to help or not. And, I no longer want to help.

The days of feeling sorry for him are over.

Along with this wonderful book sent by Dotsie on setting boundaries with your adult children, I am also reading a book by Dr. Phil. I don't watch is show but the book he wrote quite a few years ago called "Life Strategies" is very helpful. I picked it up at a second hand shop. This book really hits home with me. It's all about taking responsibility for your life choices. Basically your life is the way it is because of your choices. Only your adult life of course as we can't do much about our childhood. I have been going through this book with a yellow highlighter pen.

Just a few of the lines I've highlighted:

" Life is a journey; as with any other trip, if you don't have a map and a plan and a timetable, you will get lost.

On being a victim (my son)
" By convincing yourself that you are a victim, you are guaranteed to have no progress, no healing, and no victory"

Choice:
"Everything we do is a choice, you CANNOT not chose, even not choosing is a choice"

There are many more. I love this book and encourage anyone who wants to make changes in their life to buy it. ( a little plug for Dr. Phil. You may not like his show, I'm working so can't watch it, but he is an excellent writer.

Kate

Kate, I admire your strength and your insistence or doing what is right. As you know, I pray for you all the time. One of these days your son will see the light.

Thanks Chick,
I pray for everyone on here too. It's such a great group but we all have our issues don't we.
Kate