I have some major concerns about my youngest children ages 15 and 16.
I have written about my eldest son for a while now and the challenges he has created for not just me, but my children.

Family background. My children have a father who was an alcoholic, his mother and her mother both were. Both grandpa's on my ex- husbands side committed suicide. My ex's father did when my eldest was 9 years old.


My children's father to my knowledge does not drink now, but when we were all together as a family he did and was abusive to myself and my eldest son. I saw the writing on the wall and left with all three children when the youngest was still in diapers. It was a a very difficult situation and I had to get a restraining order until my ex got into anger management. He also went to AA. He now lives with someone and they have a 6 year old. They also have mental health issues as the women my ex lives with has a schizophrenic sister and it appears her youngest daughter age 11 has it too. She has now sexually abused her younger brother (my ex's child, my kids half brother)

My youngest two have had to deal with a lot but don't mention it. Seem to take it in their stride. My son is angry and at least deals with it by working out and playing rugby, a tough sport. My daughter I believe deals with it internally which is common for girls. It must be so difficult for them to have to deal with the fact that their brother is a drug addict. And now all of the trauma with what their little half brother has to now deal with. My daughter babysits him. Other then that neither of them see their Dad much. He is quite selfish and is always having some crisis of some sort. He also travels away for work and isn't around much.

My concerns are well founded as both my two children are losing interest in school. Both of them sleep in and are always late, which results in them missing the first class of the morning. I can't seem to get them up and going. I'm wondering if I am not being understanding enough considering what they have to deal with. I know I am a basket case a lot of the time each time my son relapses or goes to jail. This is very hard on them too. I just want them to do well and am worried that they are slacking off. I am tired of nagging them. I get up early and spend my morning trying to get them to school. It's a battle that I am very tired of.

My daughter was and could be an "A" student but she doesn't try. My son has ADD and struggles in school so focuses on the sports and not the academics. Neither of them have ever been in trouble and to my knowledge done drugs but you never know. I do know that my daughter has been out a couple of times and came home smelling of alcohol. Both of them may have tried pot as the majority of kids do. Other than the sleeping in they are good kids.

What should I do about the school? Begging, nagging, taking the computer away, none of this works. My kids tell me I only focus on what they don't do not what they do. They say, at least we go to school. (their older brother dropped out in grade nine)

Just needing some advice around this from others. They refuse to get counselling.

Should I just try to keep encouraging them and stop nagging? I am really worried that they will not pass this year.

Kate

I don't have children, Kate. So I can't say a whole lot. I just have memories what I did want so much from my parents (like we all probably did) when they got overly critical:

Validation of the best things about myself.
Already your kids are asking the same from you (based on their remark that at least they are going to school).

Glad to hear that your son plays rugby and hope he continues to engage in some sort of sport that he likes.

What does your daughter naturally seem to like/do best? What are her hopes for herself in the next few years?

My daughter is taking hair dressing at school as part of her high school courses. It gives students a chance to try on a career and counts as credits. She has two classes in the morning and she loves it. But, not enough to get her there on time. Her teacher tells me she will only get to go to a good salon for learning experience time if she shows up everyday. She knows this but continues to be late.

My youngest is really into athletics. I think he likes the male bonding especially kudo's from the coach. He craves male attention and rightly so. I am so glad he has this outlet. He is driven, but not driven to do well academically. He thinks he can skip this part. I keep telling him school counts too, but he ignores me. I know he hears it from the teachers as well. He thinks he can get away with it. Or, he thinks he has lots of time.

My daughter is a gifted artist. She is not doing much now but occasionally comes up with a great sketch. I try to encourage her but maybe not enough.

It is so easy to be critical, why is that. I only do it out of concern but I need to remind myself to give praise too.

Kate

Kate said: "It is easy to be critical, why is that?I only do it out of concern but I need to remind myself to give praise too."

Kate, it sounds like you have partially answered your own question. Why not ease off them entirely for say 30 days. Let them do whatever they want as far as school is concerned etc. Take a mental health, stress break for yourself. Nothing will happen in 30 days to end the world as you know it. Back off and OFFER ONLY PRAISE for the good they do.

See what happens. They are going to grow up, mentally mature all in good time and will most probably be very nice, normal people. Nothing you say or do at this stage of their lives that only causes grief for you all, will change anything.

Its hard to just step back, but it does work usually. Think of them as other peoples children, we somehow seem to understand other peoples children more than we do our own...Why is that I wonder?

Leave them wondering Kate, "who is this woman and what has she done with our mother?"

Hi Kate

I'm soooooo sorry all this is piling in on you...it makes it tough to parent with all that other stuff going on, doesn't it? I do understand some of it (although not all)...my kiddo (now 21) is ADD, had a horrible time in school with homework, although he is tremendously bright, and came home at 13 and said "I want to run out in front of a car". Whew...tough stuff this parenting thing, isn't it?

And when we're struggling with things like exes, drug addictions, working, etc., it is even tougher.

I know it might be hard to do what Chatty Lady suggested AND I think it is a fabulous idea...for you and for them. It has been my experience that we are as tough on others as we are ourselves and we tend to take responsibility for everything our kids do...both these amazing blessings may need to have some of the natural consequences of not doing the things you want them to do...like not getting into the best college or sports program.

What could you do, that would be in integrity for you, to encourage those things you want to happen and set aside, temporarily, those things you don't want to happen (unless they endanger their lives, of course)? And, while you're at it, how are you treating yourself these days? Well, I hope...giving yourself lots and lots of kudos for all the things *you* are doing well...or at all! Since things have been so tough, I wouldn't be surprised if you're being tough on yourself sweetie. No?

If you were raised, in any way shape or form, like I was, praise wasn't the thing to do. It would *spoil* the kids and make them irresponsible. What "voices" do you hear when you think of focusing on praise/gratitude vs. when you give criticism? That is often a clue as to what is happening inside you. And we are, all of us, products of the environment we were raised in.

If there is anything I can do to support you...or you want me to simply take my advice and jump off a short pier, do let me know!

This may not be encouragement...and my son is now realizing how much his previous choices have affected his current opportunities. It is tough, really tough, to hear his dreams and know he has some "making up" to do to get there. he is MUCH more responsible than he was before and it is so kewl to watch it happen...although I wasn't sure if it ever would.

Well your right about upbringings. My Mom still nags me often about my parenting skills, like she nagged me when I was young. Always pointing out what I don't do instead of what I do. I was never praised as a child as she thought it would inflate my ego. I remember her saying "who do you think you are" her comments broke me down. My self esteem suffered for it big time.

I hear you MamaRed and Chatty loud and clear. I don't want to hurt my kids self esteem. I do praise them quite a bit though and when they were small I went overboard with it as I didn't want to be like my Mom. Just lately with the school thing I've been on their case quite a bit. I will back off, just point out the good things and stick to positive comments offering praise and avoiding negative comments.

Kate

Kate, I feel with you and know that the school time can be nerve racking. I went through that with my sons as well.

Neither of my boys went to college. That was something unthinkable for me. I wish I had spared myself all the grief I went through…because if I could have peeked into a looking glass I would have seen that they have made their way in life and are happy and successful where they are at.

But still there are different grades of school neglect. Just not going or too late to class should not be accepted. Maybe your son’s coach could have a good heart to heart talk with him. How about if he had a goal, like studying sports, as a sport manager ( great profession) or becoming a college coach.

How about visiting a museum with your daughter. Get talking about art, and all the different professions that go along with it; Like art teacher, museum director, owning an art boutique, and so on.

I wish my parents had done that with me. I was unmotivated, because I saw no goal or dream job ahead of me. I’m still the same way. I need a goal in order to work hard.

Have you any of your daughters sketches on display? IF not then putting one in a clip frame
may be that if you re arrange a room and an obvious place for a picture "presents" itself. also pictures in a collage of their earlier times when life seemed less worrying.could be an ongoing project that you leave on a table where both children may recall those times as they go about.they may not sit with you...to do a collage (unlikely at that age.)but feel good at your love showing in this way.
Does your daughter do you hair? another way to bond.

I have met many teenagers who were swwitched off with school and then returned to vocational training..after a break.Lifelong learning is gained in many ways.and often a break allows them to gain a wider picture .
Mountain ash

Hi Kate

I thought that might be the case...it was definitely the accepted approach when I was growing up (I'm 51). To this day it surprises me when my mom says some form of "good job". I know it came out of her upbringing and her love for me...still does. I remember coming home with lots of As...and a B or two. The first comment was always on what I hadn't done! That definitely does a number on the old self esteem, doesn't it! To this day I have challenges thinking anything I do is "enough"...it has be a reprogramming process for me to get over that!

I wish you all the best and I'm sure all of us with kids know the angst you're going through. I've yet to meet a parent who doesn't have some regrets about their kids, how they raised them, what they said to them, etc. Not the easiest job in the world, is it?

Lots of hugs winging their way to you...and please do be kind to you. You deserve it you know!

I have my daughters artwork hanging up around the house. Her school had an art show and one of her paintings was displayed.

I plan to take her to an art college in Vancouver for a tour. It's called the Emily Carr (famous Canadian artist) Art Institute. I'm sure this will motivate her. I have loads of art books around the house and painting supplies as I love to paint too but continue to put it off. hmmmmmm......not a great message on my part.

It's a tough time for kids, I know she wants a boyfriend as she hasn't really had one. She is a beautiful girl and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mother. She did go on a date the other night with a boy she just met.

I guess with all of the pressures, dating being one of them it can be a real struggle being a teenager. I remember it well. Both of them are really good kids in so many ways so I am not going to nag them. From now on I will try to inspire them. That may be a better approach.

Funny how we often turn into our parents, not wanting to but the old voices are still there in the background.

Kate