All any of us can do is our very best! It sometimes seems that no matter what we do, or don't do, "we're dammed if we do, and dammed if we don't!"

My sainted (oh yes she was and she said so) grandmother once said to me when my first son was about a year old...

"Always treat your children as if they were your closest friends. Would you speak to a friend like that?"

There were many times too when I was about to say something unkind to one of them and that thought popped into my head. It really does work...

kate, here's a way out thought. Are they in the right kind of school for them at this time? My daughter has ADHD and a learning disability. She was in the public school system through fifth grade and it was tough on her. The class sizes were too big to get the attention she needed, and the style of teaching didn't suit her.

In fifth grade, she shadowed in a very small private school for kids with LDs and ADD, and show loved it. They required two days of shadowing. After the second day, she woke up to go to her regular school, and asked if she could go back to Valley that day. Unfortunately, she couldn't. She had to wait until the next school year. She then attended Valley (which merged with Jemicy and is now Jemicy) through 12th grade. She's now in her third year of college, another small school, and is hanging in there, having her best semester yet. Her teachers are aware of her LD and they work with her. She learned to advocate for herself very young, which is a gift in itself.

Our youngest son was also in public school and was hardly learning a thing. We chose to put him in another school with smaller classes, but it was extremely structured and he didn't like it. He wanted back in the public school because he felt comfortable there. We allowed it. The public high school had a incredible art program, one of the best in our state. He flourished in that program due to the teachers believing in him.

My point is that if there are other options for schools, you might see if they're interested. I'm not sure what the school system is like there, but ours has a high school for kids interested in the arts. Is it possible they're in the wrong school?

Hope things work out well for you and kids, Kate.

Do you have a digital camera..your daughter would benefit especially during her non-artsy, lazy times of her life...from just simply observing her world more sharply and taking photos.
It would be a great, effortless way for her (and cost no money to you other than camera)to keep her skills sharp on composition and colour.

I know my own family appreciates that I do have a natural fast eye to compose photos quite well. I have been asked and provided my happy services as a free photographer for several weddings at friends and family.

And those photos will provide a library later..to inspire her for artwork.

Oh Kate, the book's in the mail.

Dotsie, my daughter's school is not the best. It's our area high school but it's quite alternative. In one way it's good because it is quite artsy and they let kids be who they are. It's very accepting of differences and a good program for kids with ADD.
The problem is they go overboard by catering to the kids and in my opinion, there is a real lack of disipline. If the skip or are late there are no consequences. She did think about changing last year but only has one more year after this and wants to graduate with her friends. Also she is quite happy with the hair dressing program.

My son changed schools this year because he wanted to go to a "better" more challenging school. He is really into athletics as I mentioned and the moral at his old school (my daughters) is really low. They didn't have enough players for the school rugby team and at his new school there are too many players. There is a down side to his school too as it is very preppy, lots of rich kids with cars and attitudes and we are low income. It works for him though and every school has it's good and not so good points. The sports are great, but he avoids doing homework and getting his assignments done.

I am working on starting an art group with my brother in-law. Art runs in the family. I think I will be able to get my daughter excited about this.

She does have a camera and takes thousands of photos. She has a great eye for it. Her friend has even had some of her photos on Jones Pop bottles so is an inspiration to her.

I'm going to work on inspiring them and finding opportunities to praise them and let go of the nagging.

Kate

I should have known you already had them in the best schools. You are such a great mom. Don't ever forget that.

When jocks around here act up, it's their coaches that snap them back into shape. Perhaps his coach could give him a little pep talk?

What are Jones Pop bottles?

Best of luck with your new encouraging plan. I'm cheering for you!

Jones pop bottles are popular here in the West. I think it is a Seattle based company. They are a pop company like Coke only much smaller. The bottles are old fashioned glass and they have really cool photos on the bottle as part of the label.

Yes, I'm thinking of calling the coach.

I went to a really good meeting tonight and will go every Monday. Parents like me with adult children who are addicts. This is a support group and the topic tonight was how to say NO.

It is always helpful to be with people who don't judge and are going through similar circumstances and I mean similar.

Kate

Kate, so glad to hear you got back to your meetings. Good for you for taking care of yourself!

Hi Dotsie,
Received the book today. Thanks so much. It is just what I need. The writer is describing many of the situations that relate to me. I had to go out of town this week for my job and managed to read a few chapters.

My son called me from jail this morning asking for money. Said he will get out soon and wants to go to yet another center. Not a treatment center but a place where they are strict and teach them life skills. Treatment is part of the program but not all. The program is $22,000 dollars. It can be subsidized but they need $500 up front. It is a program I told him about before but he said no way he'd go. Now he wants out of jail so has agreed to go. He also sent me a letter asking for the money and also a list of things he will need. It's like deja vu all over again. "I need pants, shoes, shirts", " I need, I need, I need" etc. I just bought him all of this stuff before his last trip which was only a month ago and all of it is gone. This happens all the time as he either sells his stuff for drugs or loses it. He has been to 10 treatment centers, and I'm embarrassed to say, I have bought him clothes, paid for his transportation etc. etc. every time. It never ends.

I told him I will not be giving him money or buying any clothes this time around and I hope he finds a way to manage. The book helped me to see how my doing things for him does not help him. It is also putting me in the poor house and I am already there. Have been for years. I can't even afford to support my other two kids most of the time yet I have given money to him.

I guess you'd call the book a wake up call. I will tell people about it in my group. Is it available in Canada? It should be if not as it would be a help to many of us Moms (Dad's, family members) that do too much. We think we are helping but we are not.

Thanks again. I will update you as I read more. It has already helped me to be stronger. I like her style of writing, she speaks to the reader in a way that sinks in right away.

Kate

Kate, I'm sorry this has gone on for such a long time. I'm not a parent, but I was a drug using adolescent. Now, I did not go to jail, and I did go to school. But my grades slipped the last 2 years because I could not concentrate (Had PTSD) Now, my question is this: how do your children refuse to go to counseling? I did not know children could refuse. I wonder there are school social workers, and/or school psychologists. And you said you were embarrassed as to the ways and number of times you helped your oldest son (I'm paraphrasing.) I don't think there is anything to be embarrassed about. I wonder if your younger ones resent your oldest for all the time, money, and energy he takes from you, and away from them? My goodness how far can you be stretched? And I was wondering about the sexual abuse, are you saying an 11 year old girl abused her younger brother? My goodness you have the world on your shoulders. Can I ask what book you are talking about? I wish you peace of mind. PL