Kate, I admire how you handle your son and it sounds as if he is once again, trying, which is all he can do.

I think we must remember that addiction is an illness, a disease, and one needs treatment. It does not speak to a person's character! It only says that he possesses that gene, he suffers from that illness and he must struggle to fight it like any other disease!

You do so much to be there but to be there in the right way.

I am hoping for him that he can kick this and straighten his life out, but yes, relapse is part of recovery.

Warm regards,
Dancer

I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a child going through this...I admire your strenght, Kate, and pray that you continue to be the kind of Mother your son needs. I'm sure through the cloud of the addiction, he knows.

My son graduated his three month treatment centre for the second time. He came home for a visit and is still here. I gave him a week off to just settle and visit with family. As of Monday he has to get to work or he's out. He has been ok here. It's only tough because there is no bedroom for him and he takes up the living room, sleeps on the couch. We have no family room and it's a small house so it can't last for too much longer.

I want to give him a start though as he is trying. He is doing well so I feel it's ok to offer my support. I know when he is scamming me. I'm far too wise now to fall for any stories and he is well aware of that. The plan is for him to work for a couple of weeks and then get his own place. He did manage to get a job so that is a good thing.
One day at a time is the AA slogan so that is what I'm doing.
So far so good.
Kate

Kate, I agree with what you're doing. As long as our kids are on the right track, we should do all we can to help them. Should he burn you, then you back off and he'll learn his lesson. Praying this doesn't happen and that he is serious about his sobriety! Be strong!

Well I read my last post and it was back in the summer. In the fall my son was deep into the drug scene. He came to my door looking half dead one morning so I drove him to the hospital. I tried to get him seen by a psychiatrist but they said until he deals with his addiction issues they cannot deal with his mental health issues and they sent us away. I noticed he had a broken hand so managed to keep him in the hospital. He was there for a week as it was a bad break. I finally guilted his Dad into taking him when he was released. He said he would but did not show up at the hospital and then when I called he said he changed his mind leaving me holding the bag.

As I told my younger two my eldest would not stay with us again, I asked my Mom to take him at night and he hung out with me during the day while my other kids were in school. My younger son was very angry with me even at that. This lasted for two weeks until he got into another treatment center (10 in total now) It was a very stressful two weeks as we were all walking on egg shells. He was basically ok but could have relapsed at any moment and that is what I was worried about. When he is using you do not want to be around him.

So, off to the treatment center. I had a gut feeling after the first week that something was up. I called the treatment center and they said they discharged him. Apparently him and others climbed out the windows at night and went to the bar. They got caught and were all asked to leave (my son is a real follower)
Also, my son I believe committed some sort of robbery, basically stole money from someone on the street and witnessed chased after him. He was severely beaten so much that he had to have surgery and a long hospital stay. He is now on the hospital unit in jail.
His probation officer tells me that the charge is a serious one and he could get two years. I hope he does as when they get under two years (which he always does) they get no help. They just sit in a cell 23 hours a day which makes them worse. Over two years and they have access to counselling, school, work training etc.
I feel that this is his only hope as until he is free of drugs they won't be able to see what else is going on. And I know that he has other issues that need to be addressed.

My main concern is that he was hurt very badly. It could have been worse. He was lucky he wasn't killed. I think if you steal, do the crime, you should do the time. But, I hate it when I hear that he was beaten up. It has happened to him too many times.

My main issue now is I am so stressed out with all that is going on with him. I had hopes that he would make it work this time. I can't take much more of this. It's like a nightmare that never ends. I love my son very much and people don't seem to realize that even though he does these things it is still devastating. People have told me to cut him lose, let him go and focus on my other kids. I wish I could. My work suffers, I'm depressed and just can't get past this. Also I am coming up the the anniversary of my father's death. This is also upsetting me as I'm just as sad as I was a year ago when it happened. I worry about my mental health as my depression is affecting my other two children. I am so depressed and sad all the time.

I guess I should go to see someone about it. I'm already on anti- depressants but they are just a band-aid. I can't live without them though as I would go way over the edge.

I guess I'm just asking for your prayers that I will find a way to cope. It just hurts so bad to have a child in this situation.

If you read all of this, thanks for letting me vent.
Kate

Darn, I jsut posted a bunchand lost it when I went looking for a link.

Abbreviated version:

I'm so sorry to hear about his relapse and just as sorry to hear that you are down, though it's certainly understandable.

Allison Bottke is a member of the NABBW and we just reveiwed her book titled, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. You can find the review at this link:

http://nabbw.com/list_bookreview.php?book_id=93

If you are interested, please let me know and I'll send you a FREE copy.

Kate dear, hoave you been to your support group lately? I'll pray that you have some relief from the stress and that you have some fun quality time with your two youunger children this week.

Please let me know about the book.

Hi Dotsie,
I hesitated about writing an update on my son.
Although it's painful to learn about his actions and worrying about his safety, it's natural for me to isolate myself.
I know this is not healthy.

Just read the link and the book sounds really interesting. Boundaries are very important. I need help to separate from my son's actions and keep my sanity.

I'd appreciate the book, thanks,

As for a support group, I think it's time.

Kate

Kate, I do recall months ago your angst about your son. Obviously this has gotten no better. Even though I am not a parent, I do understand how much you love him, despite his drugs and drug related activities. 10 rehabs sounds like they are a waste of time and money. He's been in the hospital twice recently? Once when he showed up at your door, and another time when he had been beaten? Why did they keep him so long for a broken hand. It's got to be the pits to think that that only hope for his welfare is jail. From what I heard, that picture is pretty bleak, as drug smuggling runs rampant in jails, not to mention all the ugliness. I have no positive pats on the back for you. Just a wee bit of understanding, and lots of hugs.

Yes 10 tries at treatment are enough and I told him that. I think he has really done some damage to his brain and tried to get him assessed recently. But, our medical system does not want to go this route and they just turned us away. My feeling is if something is not working you need to try something different. My son just doesn't get it. Either he doesn't want to, or his brain is screwed up so much from the drug abuse that he can't.

He was in the hospital so long because his hand got infected. It was quite deep and they had to put a pin in. The hand was quite deformed. Because he is a drug addict they keep the IV in longer as they can't trust him to take anti-biotics when he gets out. They are right about that. He does not take medication properly. Either he doesn't take it at all, or he takes it all at once.

Jail is not the answer for many and there are so many people with mental health issues in jail. In my opinion they just get worse in there. Either they get hardened and meet up with worse criminals who they get together with on the outside. Or they become traumatized by being victimized and their mental health issues get worse.

As for my son, I don't know what is going on with him as he is a really good manipulator. I do believe that he cannot take care of himself and needs to go somewhere, but where? He cannot cope with daily living, paying rent, working etc. he gets overwhelmed at the least bit of stress and then just goes straight for the drugs. Having to pay rent and budget is too much stress for him. He just spends all of his money and then gets evicted.

This is just going to continue being a revolving door from jail, treatment, the street. I see no end in sight and that is what is depressing me so. Until he is assessed which is next to impossible he will continue to make lousy dangerous choices.

I think a two year sentence is the only way to go for him if the court gives him that much. They always give him not enough time and then he gets no help. Over two years in a corrections center will allow them to assess him and provide treatment. He will also be clean for two years which will be a plus. He has not been clean for more than a few months at a time and that was when he was in jail.

Kate

Dear Kate, it is admirable that you can’t let your son go. But it’s painful to see how your love for your son hurts you over and over again.

By not letting him go; you are letting yourself go. He is taking you with him, down an endless road.

You have to make a decision. Do you want your life to continue with the hurt and worries that you repeatedly suffer? Or do you love yourself enough to stop following him in his own chosen rotten path.

I know it is easier to give advice hear. And I know if I were in a similar situation I would have fought like you have been fighting for your son’s life. But there does come a time where enough is enough. You may love your son, but no person, whether he is your son or spouse, has a right to make you miserable. I repeat; You must love yourself more, than you love your son.

I know you just wanted to vent, but I have been following your ordeal and I just have to remind you; the only thing that can change is you.