Yes they offer counselling but AA and the 12 step program does not work as well for cocaine addicts. He has tried and failed over and over again. I think the drug of his choice is the problem. He needs a much longer treatment stay and also to be under a doctors care which treatment centres do not offer.

I am feeling that old rescue syndrome coming on so want to be careful of that and keep my boundaries. But, wish I could find some alternative place that he hasn't tried. I am going to call my family doctor tomorrow and try to at the least get some options for him to look at, and I mean Him, not me.
If I get involved and rescue him we will have to start all over again and I don't want that. If I give him an inch well you know how that goes.
Kate

I really hope that parents or friends of parents who are struggling with an addict in the family learn from my mistakes.
My son called me from the hospital letting me know that he was being discharged. He decided to go back to treatment
at my request, but also said he knows it's the only way.

I had done some homework and discovered after connecting with a former crack addict that these short treatment programs 30 to 40 days just don't work in the long term, short term yes but not once the addict is out on his own. The temptations are too great. I was told that after treatment a crack addict should not have any cash available to him for at least six months. If he works he will need to get someone else to be in charge of his money. Sounds good but not easy to do.

Anyway, I found a 1 year program that my son could get into straight away. He agreed that he needs to be in treatment for a longer period of time. I gave him all the info and he agreed to go and said he called the facility to set up an intake meeting. The centre is Christian based which he likes, and is on a farm, very strict but a very good recovery rate, close to 85% recovery.
AA and shorter programs success rate is only 5%. This would mean, leaving the city he is in, leaving his job which was gone anyway as he relapsed and did not show up at work for 3 days. He was also kicked out of his house because he owed everyone money, was behind on the rent etc. etc. After the relapse he found himself in the hospital psych ward.

So, the dilemma, to get him from the city he is in now, to the city with the year long treatment program, 8 hours away.

My son has no ID. He never does as he looses everything. He only has the clothes on his back, all of his worldly goods which were many this time around are all gone. Typical with drug addicts.

Anyway he needs a bus ticket to get to the treatment centre. The bus depot would not let me buy a ticket for him because he would need ID to pick it up. So, I sent $200 cash through Western Union, you only need ID over 1,000. He called me to say he received it and was on his way to the bus depot and he would call me when he got to the treatment centre.

Next day: I get a call from hospital psych ward. They say they are calling on behalf of my son and that he needs $169.00 for a bus ticket. I am confused. I say "what is he doing at the hospital, he said he left". The nurse said "no he did not leave". I said "I just sent him $200 yesterday and that he was to buy a bus ticket with it". She said to me " Well, where do you think the money went"

I was floored, felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. My son has ripped me off before but not like this. Years ago he pawned my jewelry etc. and if I gave him $20 here or there I'm sure he may have spent it on drugs, but this was something new. Usually if he needs a place to stay I have paid for it directly. I buy him clothes rather than give him money, buy him groceries etc.

I made a real point about the money, and my lack of it. I told him that sending him $200 would leave me really short. I told him that my rent is more than my last pay cheque that things have slowed down at work (which they have)
I made it very clear to him that giving him this money was really going to hurt and I would be very short in funds, in the red actually. He said he really appreciates this and will call me as soon as he gets there.

So, lesson learned, never give addicts money, ID or not, never.....never.....never.

I found out that he had someone call my daughter's cell phone and ask her for money. He must be in a very bad way.

For now I am trying to see the addiction for what it is, not get madand just learn my lesson. But, it hurts, it really hurts especially since I told him I couldn't afford it.

I need to realize that crack or whatever the drug takes away the addicts reasoning, all they want is the drug and they will lie, cheat, steal whatever to get it.

I hope some of you saw the Oprah show the other day. She had a Dad and his former drug addict son on the show as they have both written books. Their story is almost identical to mine so at least I found some comfort there. Although one family that was on and told their story lost their son, he died of an overdose while they were in the waiting room at the hospital. Sad, very sad. I am so afraid that this will happen to my son.
Kate

Kate, I can really empathize with what you are feeling right now. It is so difficult to be a family member of an addict. I know how it feels to trust and then have that trust violated, and I so know that 'kicked in the stomach' feeling! All I can offer is that I know you are struggling with what to do for your son; all you can really do at this point is take care of yourself and the family you have with you. As hard as it is, you have to let go of your son and let him succeed or fail on his own. Addiction is such a horrible affliction for the addicts and those who are close to them. Some addicts do recover and live productive lives; others don't - that's the nature of the beast. My heart goes out to you, Kate, so take care of yourself.

Kate, my heart aches with you...I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I've known some really good people who became lost to cocaine - it really is all they know, and they will indeed cheat, lie, steal, do whatever it takes to get that next fix. We had a guy in our church many years ago, such a gifted musician, a lay liturgist who was very popular and beloved. He became addicted to cocaine, and phoned EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the church begging for money. Many people gave it to him before the priest finally got up in the pulpit and begged everyone to stop. We moved out of the province, so we don't know what ever happened to him. But the whole church grieved the loss of this man, because even though he still looked the same, he was clearly not the same person after the cocaine took over. Very very sad.

I don't know what to say, I just hold you in my heart and prayer and pray for wisdom and healing for YOU and your son.

PS I also PM'd you.

Stay well Kate...you must think of being healthy...so that you can still give to your 2 other children.

I forgot this story of an addict who I never knew but did happen in a good family. My brother-in-law had a brother who died at 26 yrs., probably from drug overdose after getting out jail. It was never clear to me. His younger brother got involved in petty crime, didn't finish high school and took drugs. This is a middle-class family with 2 caring, aware parents. I've met both parents. My brother-in-law (who has a PhD and researcher-assistant professor, married with 2 children, even-tempered person) probably appeared to be the golden boy to his brother..

YOu have tried everything, short of your life and other children.

Eagle Heart, I tried to respond to your PM but it says you are not taking private messages.
Let me know how else to contact you as I would like to respond.
thanks,
Kate

Sorry, Kate; I turned it off when we went away for several weeks. I just turned it back on...

My son is doing well and has been in a treatment centre for the past three weeks. He has connected again with the church.

He keeps in touch and so far so good. He asked me to read the AA Big Book so I am reading it as luckily a friend had a copy of it. He wants me to understand how hard it is to stop using and also wants me to know that relapse is part of the process. The book explains all of that.

The book also says when they relapse to just be supportive, not enabling and not to get mad at them. To encourage them to do what they feel is best. Hard to do as a parent but I am finally letting go and allowing him to make his own choices without putting my two cents in there.
Kate

glad to hear he's trying hard.

Does he have a hidden passion/interest that is lying dormant or just hasn't gotten around to cultivating other interests?

I don't know about that. He has been doing drugs heavily since age 15. He has ADD and has not had much luck succeeding at much over the years. He gives up quite easily because every time he has put himself out there he fails, in his eyes anyway.

I remember he finally got in with the "in crowd" in grade 8. He wanted so badly to fit in and joined the basketball team as he loved playing sports but he got cut. He got confused and put the ball in the other teams basket one too many times. He was so humiliated. Also that year he was surrounded by a group of teens who cut his hair all off in front of about 40 students. They were laughing at him. His hair was quite long. This was so devastating for him. The principal didn't want to make a big deal out of it as it would ruin the schools reputation. He expelled the boys but didn't want the police involved. I also caught my son on the phone with these guys telling them he won't let me call the police. He was still trying to fit in with them, very sad.

I'm afraid his early years were often traumatic as he rarely fit in and often (due to his ADD) stuck out like a sore thumb.

I'm sure when he is clean for a good length of time he will find his passion.

He loves animals, the outdoors and is a great reader. I read to him every day from an early age and he developed a love of reading even during his most difficult times