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#124116 - 07/23/07 12:39 PM
Re: Son on the scene again but now there's two of them
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Member
Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
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Kate, I read myself in your story. I have been battling the same problem for the past 3 yrs. with my son who just turned 23 last month. Until last month I didn't know drugs was the problem. Over the past three years I have paid bills, bought gas and food, clothes, etc for my son. A large portion of every check despite my pleas and warnings that I didn't have a lot of extra money seemed to fall on deaf ears.
He always worked and was a good worker yet suddenly couldn't hold a job. He had a girlfriend that I thought was the problem--she may be a part of the problem but there is much more.
I finally got some counseling for me and they have helped me tremendously. First since he was still living with me, I had to set some strict groundrules and we went over them with him--me, the counselors and my pastor. My son knew there was no excuse if he messed up. Within 3 weeks I had to ask him to leave and he did so without a problem.
I have counseled with these folks several times since because this 'tough love' thing goes against every fiber of motherhood. But it is the best thing for him. My head knows that. My heart breaks when I see him getting so thin or living in his car.
BUT he is 23. These are ALL his choices. Not my fault, not my problem. There is liberating freedom in understanding that. I have decided to move away from here for several reasons. 1. to get back on my feet financially by moving in with my sister. 2. to get away from him, so he can't easily try to manipulate me for money. 3. So I don't have to watch him go through this.
My son has already acknowledged that he understands what I am doing and why. That is a big step.
I know will be hard and he may continue to harass you but you must not give him any more money--just cold turkey, that's it. It will take a while but once he realizes the gravy train has stopped he will begin to change. I also highly recommend some counseling for you--it has really helped me. One thing the counselor told me was that I had a high level of mercy in my personality. When mercy people doesn't have the ability to temper their emotions they become doormats for others who play off that gift by using them and manipulating them. I am currently learning the techniques necessary to temper my mercy giftings. This will be invaluable not only for dealing with my son but will play into all other areas of my life--work, volunteering, etc. Sounds to me like you have a lot of mercy in your personality as well.
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#124119 - 07/24/07 11:10 AM
Re: Son on the scene again but now there's two of
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Member
Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
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Kate, I hope you are continuing to get support from Nar-Anon, a counselor, pastor or someone. It's almost impossible to do alone.
Glad your ex- is stepping up to the plate! (yick -- I hate sports metaphores and use them all the time :-(( !) Casey
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Casey Dawes Wise Woman Shining Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.
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#124120 - 07/24/07 02:25 PM
Re: Son on the scene again but now there's two of
[Re: Casey]
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Member
Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
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Dotsie, moving Sept. 1 have already started packing. Next week I give notice at work (scary! with no job to go to yet! Trusting God in that!)
My sister is in the forums already. Can't think if her tag name--maybe ktz? does that sound familiar? She had conversed with you about bird feeders and gardening I believe. Small world huh?! Got your check in yesterday's mail by way. Thank you!
Yes I will still stay in contact. And FYI if anyone is in need of Mary kay, just go to my website and order. Even with the move I will be checking there and taking care of everyone's orders. No cost for shipping, remember! (website listed below)
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#124123 - 07/25/07 06:58 AM
Re: Son on the scene again but now there's two of
[Re: Edelweiss]
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Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
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wow hl thats an exilent bit of verse and can be applied in so manie situasions, its one i gonna copie thanks,
kate, keep being strong, keep doing what your doing its for the higher good....and thats not to say you still won't feel c**p at times your still humane but its the actions and not the feeling one has to go on in this situasion. I know how hard and horrible it all is, praying you keep your strenth and good course of action on this one
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"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn
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#124124 - 07/25/07 10:33 AM
Re: Son on the scene again but now there's two of
[Re: celtic_flame]
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Member
Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
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Hannelore, that's great!
Kate, you did the right thing. Somewhere, I know, you'll find the ability to love your son again and let him know that you love him and still be able to keep your boundaries strong. Hannelore is right -- lost for now doesn't mean he won't be found again. I will keep you in my heart prayers.
Yes, paying attention to the other children AND to you is very important right now. HUGS
_________________________
Casey Dawes Wise Woman Shining Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.
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