It’s so heart warming to see you all still posting here.

Hi Humlan, haven’t heard from you in a while…but I got to catch up as well with all posts. I just did that breathing thing…it really helps. I think I do breathe irregularly when I’m upset. I just realized that.

Chatty your post was very comforting. You are right, many of the women here have overcome much worse things in their childhood.

I am feeling better lately too, because like Anno and MA said…we gave "A" the love she needed. She has such a bubbly sweet personality, and is truly a bright child. So I am begining to realize that with time she will be all right. Your words have helped me see this.

We have had frost here! It's insane. So we are doing inside things and redecorating a couple of rooms. haha

EW, I've just read this whole post through for the first time. Just a few thoughts... your DIL sounds sick. I wouldn't spend time owrrying that you won't see A for months. I can almost guarantee you that you'll see her sooner. There's no way her mom will be able to keep it together for that long. She'll need a break. This may sound odd, but if I were you, I'd try to check A's body for bruises when you see her. The mom sounds abusive and she's only been with A for such a short period of time. IS she now a stay at home mom? I'd also keep a journal of all this because you may need it in the future.

You are wise to take anti-depressants because this is very sad and heartbreaking. Keep taking care of yourself.

While reading this, I was thinking it would nave been helpful for you to be on the NABBW Empty Nest call yesterday. Much of what you're experiencing is similar. You are grieving the loss of your grandchild.

But if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much. I have a feeling it won't be too long and she may be back in your care. Are you ready for that?

Like jj said, one who sleeps at a family gathering is not well. Does she have many long hours alone with A? Is your son still traveling?

I will keep all of you in my prayers. I'll pray for your son to stand up to her, for her heart to soften and to grow into motherhood, and I'll pray for you and your hubby to lighten up and make the most of each day in spite of your sadness. I'll also pray that whatever you choose to do will be in the best interest of A.

Thank you Dotsie for your prayers. You are right on all accounts. I don't understand my son. He has so much back bone when he talks to me, but he's puddy in his wife's hands.

I have made a decision...I am letting go, and moving on. And I'm concentrating on people that treat me right and don't make me unhappy;...family or no family...It's the ones who treat you with respect and truly care;...Those are the people that matter.

One thing; … all this has bonded my husband and me closer together. So I suppose there are blessings in everything that happens, even if those blessings are hidden at first.

People who dont make you unhappy.
YES
and bonding again is wonderful and fulfilling for you both.

I live like this Edelweiss and life is as stress free as I can make it.
You still love the wee girl..and you did sterling work with her.
Mountain ash

Exactly what I chose to do. I've basically become a recluse.

DIL - she is a hurting person. To me, she sounds like someone who has been seriously rejected and hasn't learned how to cope with it. What appears to be withdrawal (sleeping at a family gathering, a family who loves together, something she's never truly had for herself) and self-preservation (seeming selfish and spoiled) could very well be her attempts at coping with the emotions she, herself, is experiencing. Not making the Olympics probably pricked deep rooted feelings of rejection. She's not been taught how important she is as a person, not so much an athlete. Through athletics she gets the hormonal 'happy' rush she so desperately needs, plus a 'close knit family' of sorts.

Son - He is to leave his mother and father, and cling to his wife. He obviously loves her... is blinded by love... and in his turn, desperately needs a close family of his own making. He must bide DIL's feelings in hopes of keeping her. Support this. The truth will rise on its own. Simply say, "Son, I love you no matter what." As our children age, they see more clearly. And, even though they don't admit their seemingly childish thinking and ways, you know that they know as wisdom takes residence in their thinking and their attitude toward you, the parent - no longer the antagonist (as you may seem in their eyes at this stage).

A - love her from a distance, for the time being. She has become a pawn. It needs to be made clear by your actions (to your DIL and son) that you will not allow this - no matter how it hurts personally. For DIL, A is a symbol of "I've got something that someone else wants" compounded by the 'rejection' she must feel from her child wanting you and your hubby so badly, playing on the rejection of her past life events. When you brought A to the states it might have scared DIL (and your son) beyond reason. Their actions of late may be their knee jerk reactions to the fear of a realizable loss. Something my therapist told me, after I explained to her how much I wanted my parents' love and how hurt that, after I'd squashed all past feelings to get it, they still seemed to not SEE or LOVE me. I wanted to feel loved by them before their rapidly approaching deaths. The therapist told me I could chase and chase but never catch. AND If I stopped chasing, they'd stop running enough to see why I was no longer chasing. At that point, if I was unavailable, they would start a 'chase' from their end to seek me out, missing my chase. Her advice to me was not to pick up my chase again, but to be at a place in myself not to need to chase. What I've quoted from you (above) is where I am because of what the therapist said to me. BUT, it's a lonely place, because I find that even those who love you will make you unhappy at times.
My own withdrawal and selfish self-stroking (as described in reference to your quoted words) may appear as something unreasonable to some, while in actuality, it's my way of trying to cope.

EVERYONE is trying to survive in this (what seems a) God forsaken world.

These are my opinions and not expected to be taken as the truths by anyone else. Just thought I'd add my take.

I pray for nothing less than happy endings for all in this trying life lesson.

Wow there must be an epidemic going on! I too have pulled away from my dear son and DIL and there kids. They have separeted and each call me asking, whos right ma? Like I'd be dumb enough to get in the middle of that. I did tell them I was thoroughly ticked off that NO one ever calls me unless they need me for sometrhing and I am sick to death of that. Either be there for me as i am for you when its needed or go away and stay away, i have had it. So besides you all and a few social friends here in town I may as well be a hermit. Not fun but at least I can sleep peacefully at night, and another reason I want to move far away from here. I guess the saying is right, we come into this world naked and alone and will go out the same way...

ChattyLady you are one GRAND LADY and a hoot to boot

And I agree with you all here..sincerely. But don´t forget to "wait" or put yourself on "stand by" mode for your kids. They are in the busiest time of their lives right now..and life is very very high powered and high speed today..much more than when we had our kids. So maybe they are just in a whirlwind of responsibilties..and therefore, they sometimes don´t act as they should..don´t get to that phone call to you..or maybe they overreact because they are so stressed out..feeling like robots. And yes, maybe they are making what you see as big mistakes. Hand on heart..you never blew it with your parents when you were in the midst of your child raising years? I sure did..still do..eventho my kids are have all flown the coop now (boo hoo ). And I have followed some paths during those years that were a BIG MISTAKE..I can see that now..not then, I didn´t have the time.

So..draw your boundry lines..make your point..but wait for them..stand by..they just might come back..in time. Hopefully before we croak..I know

with Love! Peace! and Understanding!

And all this is just a thought..an opinion, from yours truely.

This is one of those threads where I think a book is in here somewhere.

Got to quote you again MA "life is as stress free as I can make it." Yes yes...that is what we all have to do for ourselves. Bravo Gims and Chatty for recognizing not to chase, but to care for your own souls. I am in that transition period right now. It is a learning experience not to chase those I love. I try to keep myself busy, but sometimes it wells up inside, and I ask myself "why", and especially "am I not worth more to them?" I have to stop questioning. Stop feeling unjustly treated, and just be my own best friend.

Humlan, you are right. Our adult children are in a busy time of their lives, but hey...it's no excuse to be rude and arrogant to those that love you. I’m a pretty busy lady myself. No matter how hard I try, I can find no excuse for my DIL's behaviour. Her b- day is today. I honestly don't know what to do. I didn't send her a card, and I don't think I will call. For then I am doing what Gims said,...”chasing”...or am I being as bad as she is? Ugh.

Chatty are you really as strong as you sound? You know, I think it’s also because we ladies tick differently. We take the time to think how is the other person really feeling? We are more compassionate and giving. And because we are that way, we expect it in return. So it is all about our expectations, right? Okay, now that I just self analyzed this, how do we lower our expectations to avoid disappointments?

We don't, EW... because we'd be a 'lesser' us.
I don't think being 'busy' is a good excuse, either. Like you said, you are busy, but you took the time to mother their child - not a small thing! You have every right to feel slighted, because you have been. I wish you could get away to come to the states again so we could all go have a drink or two... as a night of friends, not to get soused . Hang in there! and we'll hang with you. I understand what you're feeling. I watched a grandson and granddaughter on the spur of a moment week before last. When my daughter came to collect them, she busily gathered up their overnight things, rushed them out the door and I was still telling her what we had done. I found it rude, even though I know she didn't mean it to be... but I let my speech fade as she walked further down the walk to her car. I guess it hurt the worst because if felt as if she didn't have time for me - after I had given close to 48 hours up to support her needs. I felt slighted, AND, like you, had a right to feel that way. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm too convenient... but I love my grands soooo much and want them to know and love me too, I'll take what I have to.

Is there still time to send a card? belated I know.Tongue in check EW.
That puts the ball back in her court.
Otherwise she has new ammunition.And boy she wil feed that .
Only leave sending the card if in your core being you believe this is what you want.Not because it is like a swip at this girls behaviour.
I may be wrong.Just an idea.

.....I know its game playing and I dont do that in my life but all this is new and raw.And the child is the pawn.

Recently I was supporting a friend who had inlaw troubles.This was crunch time and I advised that she "keep herself in the right..act from a place that showed all she was above their behaviour." because she is a special caring person.We were with a church Minister who was giving support also.
She was congregant in her answer.
"No..I have done nothing wrong.They have.The clock cannot be turned back on how they behaved."
she was relocating and would not tell them she was going nor where.Leaving no address.Thats a big message.
Next day I contacted her.Told her I was wrong.she knew what she was doing but I had been "Devil's advocate" but only because I cared for her and the long term implications.
I had not walked in her shoes when over a long period they ignored needs she and her late husband had.Neglect that caused knock on effects.Yet asked and received financial help from the couple.
This allowed us to further discuss issues she had not shared and I continued to agree she was doing what was right for HER.

Have a happy weekend