orchid, I appreciate your thougths and comments about my chldren. I really do. And I agree with you about my son, and also my daughter researching thier roots later in life. I have this feeling that should my son marry, it might be with his wife that he begins his search. Maybe around the time he has children, if he does. I'm hoping to do my daughter's search with her. It's one of my dreams becasue i think she would embrace meeting her birth mother, especially. She was also with a foster mom for a couple months. She arrived in Korea at three months so she wasn't with her for long. We have a picture of her with her foster mother, and when she was young, she loved that photo. It's framed and in her room. Due to the regulations of foreign adoption, I believe she could meet the foster mother, but probably not her birth mother.

I've read a lot about foreign adoption; about the kids who are adopted and how they often feel that need to connect with their birth parents. I totally get it, and it often saddens me that my kids haven't had, and may never be able to have that connection. My heart also aches for thier birth mothers and fathers.

Sorry to hijack the thread.

Your heart is big Dotsie.

They will explore more on their own time. And they will each come back and tell you the stories /snippets over time. Maybe one day ..do something to express it.. a video/photo exhibit, fusion cooking, etc.

EW--what a saga. It seems like your son and DIL's lives are taking their natural course. Luckily the court there has some sense. I don't know that US courts are as rational but this isn't the place to talk about that. Anyway, young humans are very resiliant, and certainly A will become stronger through it in the end, especially as she has a strong figure like yourself in her life. Her mother's experience is part of who she is. She'll definitely need you around in coming years to help her negotiate that relationship. One of the benefits, and maybe burdens too, of being grandparents is we have the capacity to see the end in the beginning -- it's a burden because it we can see potential peril in every moment, because we can foresee a possible outcome and want to protect. But the benefit is that you know A will become a woman and has already bonded with you so it's a bond you can build on. And as others have said, you can hunker down and be patient. What's a decade, after all? Seems like nothing at our age.

Dotsie -- Where I lived in the Chicago area when my older kids were little, there was a family who'd adopted an Eskimo (Inuit) girl. I baby sat for her when she was little, and she babysat my kids when she was older. Her family was Jewish. Her mom was a good woman but rather self centered and overbearing, and she didn't really understand the needs of this daughter. It's a predominantly white Christian area, and in high school the girl became Presbyterian and dyed her hair blonde, desperately trying to "fit in."

In her 20s she started trying to contact her birth mother and sent letters to small towns in Alaska. A local paper there did a story about it, and they ended up flying her out there for a reunion with her mother. Well, it was a nightmare --the birth mom was a terrible alcoholic, very immature, and actually threatened and accused her. It was a very sobering experience (no pun intended) to say the least.

In the end, she grew to understand her adoptive parents more, and never really said more about her "origins."

EW -- Obama identifies as both. One problem he had during the campaign was being accused of not being "black enough." Race is such an odd thing. It's one of the cool things about sites like this is that we have a meeting of the minds, without knowing what each other looks like, what are our colors and disabilities, etc.

orchid, due to your posts, I'm going to be more alert to my adoptive children and their heritage. Thank you. That's if they're interested, or when they're interested.

DJ, I've read about similar search stories. Fortunately, our kids are already young adults so I think they are much better able to psychologically handle a search at this time or later in life. How is Jewish today? Do you still stay in touch?

LOL Dotsie =her name is Tanya, she was raised by Jewish parents.
She's actually had a rough go of it, has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, had problems with drugs and drinking, had a gay marriage, then a hetero marriage. I was in touch with her regularly but now every so often, though my mom goes to her same dentist and gets the latest updates. But she started having these issues in late adolescence and probably does have biploar illness or severe depression. She also has older siblings, the bio children of her parents, who are "perfect" in every way.

That was cute, Dotsie. You thought her name was Jewish? That made me chuckle.
DH, I quote you and soooo agree.
Yes, we're sort of like brains in separate glasses...conversing with one another. Lol …That's not my idea, I stole it from some crazy book I once read.

When I was 26 years old, I found out by accident that my father was adopted. Why he never told his children, I don't know. We were stunned. We got curious and started to investigate, but without any results. Actually I like to fantasize. My Dad usually called me his little gipsy. Hmmm,…. I wonder why?

DH, you have made some brilliant comments about being a grandparent, and seeing everything more or less over a decade. How very true. Last night I awoke because I thought I heard " A" calling me. This happens a lot. But the strange thing is; - she called me this morning at 8:00, something her parents never allow her to do, and the first thing she said was, Oma I love you and pray all day for you. OMG… I could choke up.

EW why wouldn't you have some type of psychic link, many couples have and id say more between adults and kids biological or not. I did with my male boy A that iv spoken about for about 1.5 yrs, i have it with L to this day well obviouslie when hes at school of playhut a few times iv been right to go get him earlie not that anything bad was happening just he needed me.
We may be seperated by time and distanses but in matters of the hart energie or the soul we are all linked in the strangest of ways its just a matter of relising that and allowing it to be....but don't fall foul to your fear at same time and becouse your harts in your mouth becouse of A then think she in danger, if you know what i mean (i hope you do).

iv just read this from start to finish as this happend in my MIA mounths, i had wondered what had happend in september with the olympics and "!was it worth it" i can't belive she stayed when she wase't on the team! yea what a atmosphire to be around but first and formost as mums we have to be parents, in my view anyway. I still rember the debate about weather it was good or bad she "got to live her dream" if onlie we know the truth!

This storie of your grandoughters one close to my hart on manie levels i can identifie, my A bveing taken and given to his biological parents, i was in imidiate shock and so was he for awhile then as i think you found out little A found some of her owen strenth (yep even at that young an age, iv even seen it with lucien with his seperation anxieties I know A must have went through it)

i kinda missed the part which was written elswear about why the court intervined (took A's passport) but i surmise the marriage must have disintegrated. Weer did you right about that and i go read up on it?!

one thing thats been said consistantlie heer and has been proven true is that historie repeats itself to some degree and the being a mum "just for show" ends up with holes all through it that are clearlie seen eventulie.

i hope some of those holes can be mended for your DIL sake and for A sake. If they can't or those holes are too big, then i trulie whish the best course of action be taken on behalf of little A, and the DIL just cope with the outcome.

Hows your son in all this? as you said he loved and was often blinded by his love regarding your DIL hows he doing?

Have they split up has it gone a stage further than just a need for counselling. Iv just read about how your christmass is going go ie you going to theri house and now it makes sense the goings on on christmass day. I hope i am not being too nosie and if you do not want to repeat it all just give me the link either publicalie or privatlie and i go read up myself.

i didn't know it was like this for you at this time and i trulie feel for your pain, keep your chin up.

DJ, I thought that was an unusual name. I'm laughing at myself here. Some people just have a tough go at life. It's so sad.

EW, you must be carrying her in your thoughts while sleeping. I do the same when I'm worried about them. The split second I wake up, they're still on my mind. It's exhausting.

To hear a little one say they pray for you is beyond adorable. I think you're creating a sweet soul within her.

celtic, I can relate to your connection to L. Parents have a second sense when it comes to our kids. I think it's one of God's gifts. You are so in tune with L, you know his mood when you leave him, and I'm sure that aids in considering when he needs you.

yea and when to leave him, push him or cradle him.

i also think its common amounst parents and kids or amonst any adult with a strong conection to a child.

i also waqs a little moved by A saying she was praying for them, thers is something beyond sweet in that and also what a wise wee soul

I just have to share with you ladies the good news.
"A" stayed at our house over the weekend. It was a wonderful precious time. And the best part was,…no tears when we dropped her off at her Kindergarden in Muenich! Her mother picked her up a couple of hours later. And "A" ran into her mother's arms, telling her all about her weekend with us and how nice it was.
I tell you, 100 tons have been lifted from my shoulders.
As for my son and DIL they are going to marriage counseling, and it seems to be helping;…at least a teeny weeny bit. So maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
The main thing is our little "A" is her sunshiny self again, as you can see in the photo. Oh happy days. I don't need anything else for Christmas.