Wow Dot... you know - YOU'RE SO RIGHT... sorry .. that was a gross out moment. Surely there must be some analogy that would be appropriate... I'll come up with one and let you know.. however, in the interim... when Molly Shannon was on Will & Grace one night she said something that I loved - "Yeah, I was thinking of having a butt lift - but not the surgical kind. I just want a guy follow me around and hold up it up." *LOL*
Okay, seriously now.. I just happened to have a bad experience with the sugar-free stuff and will forever be truly careful - IF I ever eat candy again in life. So here's my story - I was at the store with a friend of mine who's been on Atkins and doing well and we were looking at the sugar-free candy and I said "Hey look, I can have that candy" so she proceeded to tell me about the different kinds, because she has actually READ the book. So she's telling me about the sugar-alcohol content and if it has that, which I think a lot of sugar free stuff does (why, I don't know) (don't ask me that stuff) and it could give you a stomach ache.....and I heard "CANDY-CANDY I can have"... and then she droned on and on about being careful with it and don't eat very much of it....and (again) I heard "CANDY-CANDY I can have"...
and she said "believe me, I know" and I'm choosing the sugar-free Reese's Peanut Butter Cups off the shelf and reaching for the Truffles.... hearing only......what? What is my mantra at this point? All together now....."CANDY-CANDY I can have"...
Yeah... well that CANDY I can have? It took about two hours - I went to bed at 1 a.m. and by 3 a.m. I was woken up by a distinct "HOLY CRAP, there's a machete in my stomach" feeling........I hobbled to the restroom praying for the knife to come out of my stomach, and my stomach.....oh my god, I'm not exagerating at all here... it was hard as a rock and HUGE, it looked like I was pregnant. I sat there for two hours. And it's not that I had to "go" it was just that I couldn't be sure. I could hear air (?) moving through what seemed like intestines that could have stretched the full width of Texas.. I could hear it move at every turn. I fully expected something to (and I AM exagerating here) an alien to come screaming out of my stomach. Really, I thought I would die. I actually hoped that I would die. I prayed I would die.
I was afraid to take that little home remedy, 1/2 tsp of baking soda in water, which usually relieves stomach upsets.....but I thought I would (seriously) explode. And then, funny thing, you think about a lot of stuff when you're sitting there for two hours holding your gut so it won't do some truly weird thing and freak you out .... I was wondering - guys always joke around about lighting a match - and truly, I do not find jokes about human bodily functions amusing in the least and quite inappropriate... but I have to tell you - while I was sitting there I did think about it. Light a match and what? Would I be the next Lethal Weapon scene? Would we be selling our house with a detached bathroom? What?
And you probably want to know "well how the heck much did you eat anyway?" - I ate 7 pieces out of each little bag. I know. I probably deserved it.
Any other questions now that you know all about me now? Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, you can hate me because I'm sometimes an idiot!
DreamrKate