Dearest Gims

I can feel your hurt and sadness, combined with the understanding that you are loved, through the posts on this list. I don't know the background or history, and know that you are a perfect Amazing who gets to feel, or not feel, as it fits the moment in time. Guilt is such a nasty place to live...it seems like no matter what happens, there is some of that attached. My prayer is that you will be kind to yourself, gentle with who you are and where you are at this time, and treat yourself with the precious gift of kindness that I feel you carry within you.

Sometimes "numbing out" is the only way we can walk through what we are facing. I've done it more times than I care to either count or admit to. And please know I would be happy to listen if that would be of service to you...like another poster said, I'm used to getting calls at all hours and my number is yours if you want it. You need but ask ...

I will keep you in my prayers and hope you feel that light energy and big squishy hugs I'm sending...

Meredith, is that to suggest a crown of thorns is for a martyr, or in some way sacificing one's own true feelings for the sake of making another feel better? I don't know. Gims, when I read this I sense that you are feeling conflicted. Conflicting feelings can co-exist. There are no "shoulds" except those shoulds that are imposed on us by society and religion. Honor thy father and thy mother. In my opinion, you have done and are doing what you need to do in order for you to be at peace at some time. You have honored him by visiting, by leaning over, by being nearly face to face, lifeline to lifeline, and by breathing the word of love. Feelings are universal: we all experience love hate joy despair. But our frame of reference for the emotions cause us to have different perspectives on the same events. That is why we grieve in different stages, no one grieves in the exact same pattern as someone else. This is not a math formula. It is subject to interpretation. Perhaps his death will not be a relief, a resolution, or a deathbed reconciliation. However, Gims, you are a person who is seeking peace, and one way or another, your efforts will come to the fruition in terms of peace of mind that you have done your best in adverse conditions. You have survived, and in moments of stress, you can turn to a coping mechanism that worked for you before: withdrawal and numbness. Perhaps your seeking peace and asking quesionts at this time will eventual lead you to open your heart, and feel, because when you are numb to the adversity, you become numb to the good that comes your way too. Sharing on this space with your boomer sisters is a great great method of coping, because you find like-minded and like-spirited women here that care about you and support you. Life and death is never black and white, is it? I am learning to not anticipate my feelings because I have learned that I may not be able to control all the events that cause the feelings. I mean, I have gone to an event to expect to be "on guard" with my feelings, only to have something completely different evolve. I'm glad you come here to share. L, PL

My last little comment was a serious statement tempered with a joke. (And 2 seconds after I posted, I wondered if anyone would get it.) Princess, you got the serious part although probably not the joke.

Gims, in no way am I suggesting that you want to be a martyr. But in some aspects, you have elements of that. I'm thinking of those guys who wore and bled from abrasive metal shirts, because they didn't think they were worthy. Intellectually you realize your value, but emotionally you're still torn.

BTW, you're pm box is full.

Meredith, you made me laugh. Not only would it muss the hair, it'd create major headaches. Everything you posted makes sense. But, I do love them - my whole family - that's why it hurts so much, I think. If I didn't, it'd be easy for me to just blow them all off without another thought.

Lynn, I'm feeling conflicted in that I don't know how to feel. I've seen, heard, learned and experienced so much these past (going on) five years, my whole person has changed. I don't know if I like what I'm becoming. I hope you are right about finding peace... I would love to find it before my parents pass.
*Speaking of conflict, I even find one day's feelings and/or thoughts can collide with the next, and then come back around after that.... no telling what I've posted one day, to contradict myself another. You all will just have to overlook my craziness, if that's the case.

Let me clear up any indications I might have given that I do much, if anything. I don't... not anymore. I've released myself from the self delegation of what became (last year) an over-involvement. I've not seen my mom for four weeks. Had I not gone to see Daddy Friday, it would be a month, or better, of not seeing him. I do have occasional bouts of guilt over not helping, but after what I went through, I just can't. I know that needs explanation, but (again) this is too public a place. I am not a 'good' person. I am being very selfish in guarding myself, becoming a borderline recluse. I see my DH, my children and their children, and one aunt. But, that's it (outside of library, post office and grocery store employees). It's easier for me this way... at least, for the time being.

I will say, after the responses on this thread, I experienced a very strange day. I have never, ever, in all my life felt such ... what word can I use? darn, there isn't one... because I felt love, hugs, caring, understanding, support, listening spirits, sincerity, frankness and honesty...and so much more, all rolled into - 'agape'?... at my age and to have never experienced something like this, well.... what's it like in person?
But, my day was full of self-reckoning because of it. I saw things so differently.... bizarre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(chatty, I still have your number)
lj, meredith and lynn - what wonderful follow-ups to the rest of this, MY!, thread. Ya'll don't mind me claiming it, do ya? I feel a bit feisty... ((((HUGS TO YOU ALL - sneaking in a special one for Mountain Ash))))

THANK YOU ALL TIMES A KAZILLION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN IT!

Is the word you are looking for
Acceptance
Gims. If so may I repeat you are accepted and loved.

Gims, a phrase I read once and perfectly articulates my own bizarre re-juxtapositioning of emotions and insights from one moment to the next is "a writhing mass of contradictions". At times it's much more than a roller coaster, it feels more like a cosmic battle for my very soul.

What have I learned? That we DO win, and not just in the end, we are winning now, even when it feels like we're sinking into dismal failure. Every single moment has its treasure, and we DO find it and we DO evolve from all of this writhing and colliding and bouncing around. And we ARE and are becoming amazing, breath-takingly beautiful works of art, or as I like to say now, "works of heart".

We all see it in you, Gims. Believe it or not, you RADIATE life and light. You can't see it because you live inside of your own writhing mass of contradictions. But we see it. And I know that you're making it through, step by excruciating step, winning through. And we're here to love you you through each inch and step along this rocky way.

To echo Mountain Ash, you are accepted and loved - and celebrated - and WINNING THROUGH THIS. It may take a long time before your eyes can see it, but hold on to the hope that this too shall pass and that you ARE an amazing work of heart!

gims,
These past three years, due to circumstances beyond my control,
I too have become a borderline recluse. Someone in authority advised me to look out for myself, first. If we neglect to protect ourselves, no one else will. I fully believe you are a good person. But sometimes things happen that make us stand back and rethink other peoples' actions. Life gets complicated. I like Divine Ms. M's advice; I'm confident ladyjane had good ideas. Take care of you!!!! Selfish, insensitive, abusers miss out on the true, loving relationships we have to offer. Don't let your spirit break; and, God will turn the negative stuff into positive stuff. IMO
Prayers and blessing,