I have a son and daughter at home with me. My eldest I have posted about and he is temporarily staying with me for a few weeks if all goes well.

My daughter does not work, does not seem to have any hobbies other than watching boy bands and hanging out with her friends. She is an incredible artist but is not doing anything now that school is out.

My problem. She is 16 1/2 and has been quite good up until now. She is not a bad or saucy kid but wants to go downtown at night to watch bands with her friends. She is really into music which is normal for a teenager. All the friends that she hangs out with seem to be allowed to stay out late and take the bus. I always pick my daughter up and end up giving these kids a ride home. I say to my daughter, how would they get home if I didn't drive them? She said walk or take the bus. Now we are talking about 11pm to midnight here. I should mention that we live in a small city and I see lots of teens out late at night. I walk my dog at 11pm and have never felt unsafe. It is a fairly safe city but things can happen anywhere. I think the kids feel too secure. We have only had one child abduction in the history of the city that I know of so it's that kind of place. But we do have tons of street people and their is street crime, drugs, gangs etc.

Lately my daughter has not wanted me to pick her up, she says she will take the bus, I say no way. The other night she said she was at the movie and when I wanted to pick her up she said she is going to stay at her friends house. I said no because I know her friends parents don't care what time she comes home. She has no curfew. Anyway my daughter argued with me which is out of character and said she is going to take the bus to her Dad's house then. I said no, you can't live with me and go by your Dad's rules. ( he has none)

So, I went and picked her up. She was not at the movie but down the street and walked up the street all by herself smelling of alcohol. She wasn't drunk but I did talk to her about it and told her that she cannot hang out downtown and she cannot drink. I am calm and cool these days. No yelling, just matter of fact. I've learned not to over react as it doesn't help.

So, the next day she went to her Dad's house and said she was going to stay with him for a few days. She has gone out every night and I have no idea if she goes to his house at night or to a friends. Today she came home to get some clothes and said she was going to a concert. She said she was going back to her Dad's after. She is not spending any time with him. She is just manipulating the situation so she can stay out late and party.

I am stuck as to what to do. I raised the two youngest from diapers on plus my other son with no help from their Dad. He is always in and out of their life and has a new family. He works away from town three weeks out of every month. She will come home when he leaves again. I don't mind her wanting to spend time with her Dad and I know (feelings hurt mind you) that bonding with her Dad is a good thing. But she is being a little manipulator.

What have others done? What should I do. She is really angry with me for no reason other than she doesn't like my rules. Says I'm too strict, that she is almost 17 and I treat her like a baby.

We have always got along and now it's like she is turning on me.

Any ideas about my situation would be greatly appreciated. I can't see the forest for the trees :-)

Kate

Kate,one thing I would do is make her get a job. I believe busy teens are easier to manage. If she had to get up and go to work, she may think twice about drinking the night before. Our youngest who just graduated from film school shared that he hardly ever drank while away at college because he always had class and too many freelance projects, and he knew he had to be at his best. He was drinking with his buddies the week after graduation while home because there "was nothing else to do at night." A few nights they hung out and partied together. He shared that as soon as his internship begins and he has to be there at 9:00 AM, it won't be an issue. He values his work. He's brutally honest with us, as are his freinds, so we pray they are all safe and looking out for one another, and not behind the wheel of a car.

What are some consequences for this behavior? Try setting some boundaries that she has to adhere to, like you can go downtown, but I must pick you up. That way she knows you're going to see (and smell) her and she may refrain. If she doesn't listen, she can't go out the next night.

Another thought: what if the two of you have lunch out together, or even a meal alone at home. During the meal, talk to her about your concerns as though she's an adult. See if she'll open up. Sometimes they get in over their heads with their peers and don't even realize it.

Another thought: could you have your son who recently left rehab speak to her from personal experience?

Sounds like we live in similar towns. Just the other night, we were walking our dog and saw some teens trucking through the neighborhood. As soon as they got by us, they threw a beer bottle against the curb and it shattered in a million pieces. Ticked me off, but I was afraid to say anything; little brats.

The whole under age drinking is an issue. How do you expect kids to go to college and not drink until they turn 21? They're surrounded by it. I wish they'd drop the age to 18.

My daughter and I do go out for coffee and dinner alone. Up until now it has been ok. Going out together is the best thing we can do as parents. It's a natural that they will open up. Usually she starts it.

I think she feels I am pushing her to achieve (get a job, interests) and she is digging her heels in doing the opposite. I remember that so well with my Mom, whatever she would say I would do the opposite. My Mom was always in my face though. I give my daughter space because of that.

Your right about the job and that is why I'm pushing it.

I thought of something the other night too and wondered if maybe she is wanting to see her Dad more as I just lost mine. Could be although I called him last night and she was sleeping over at at friends house and was not at his place all day.
He uses her for babysitting and she knows it so I know she doesn't want to live with him, just get away with stuff.

I guess after going through everything with my eldest I am not prepared to put up with much from my other two. Guess that's not fair as they are all different. I need to think about that one. It's like ok kids, your brother put me through hell so don't even try anything, you need to cause me zero grief. Not fair really as the teen years are tough ones and I have to expect some turmoil.

My other son is in no position to give my daughter advice, just yet. He is struggling and may have relapsed again, not sure but I suspect.

Kate

You said that your daughter seems to be interested in art. When I was her age I was deep into doing art...ie. stuffing as many art courses (much to my parents disapproval) at high school.

I only did art at that time, when there was an assignment or happy purpose/contest to do it, but I went at it with gusto. It is difficult to expect even naturally artistic (and bright) teenagers to pick up their artistic tools and ..just do it. the Muse doesn't function like that on demand/command by oneself.

In my opinion, many teenagers still need a goal, structure or course to give them incentive/motivation to create. Goodness, I still need this formal structure even ..now.

This would cost more money, but an art course/studio based course ?

Is she finished high school now? If so, then definitely she needs to encouraged about the (reality) of a job.

She is ONLY sixteen and needs to be subject to your good sense as most 16 year old kids have little of their own to rely on. But having said that we as parents can't protect our children from the world they live in. We can guide them asnd yes, curtail some of their activities but can't lock them up and throw away the key until they are 30. I wished I could have at times! Use your good sense and loving heart to govern her and pray she listens to you. It is really all we can do. What will be, will be...

I cannot imagine trying to raise a child these days...just cannot imagine how hard it must be. Kids are so different than when I was a teenager or even my kids who are now in their 30's.
I think the normalness of being a girl at 16 if to try to distance herself from her mother...to show she's growing up and doesn't need to depend on you (although you know she does). You picking her up/dropping her off at her age is probably embarrassing around her friends (my son used to ask me to drop him off a block away from school...it wasn't cool...at least until I bought a new Plymouth Lazer...then that was okay...LOL). But, irregardless you are the Mother and you need to remind her of that and that you love her and care for her. Give her consequences for stepping outside of the boundaries you set down...give her rewards for doing what she's asked to do. But, I would not tolerate the drinking at her age nor the late nights or not being where I asked her to be when I pick her up. She's going to test you...don't be her girlfriend...be her mom...she'll thank you for it later.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Hugs

The first thing I would do is get together with the X and discuss what is best for the child. You have to have the same guidelines, or your daughter will play you out against each other.

If she sees the same rules apply in both households, then she has no choice and has to comply. Be calm throughout this ordeal. Try to be above it all. You have the power of authority, and there is no need for you to get angry or upset. Let her whine. She’ll get over it.

Another thing is to be in contact with the other parents. You need help in order to be in control, and let her know you are doing this.

My ex is not, and will never be on the same page as me, will never have the same guidelines etc. I had to have a restraining order against him at one time. And, he could only see the kids with supervision due to his drinking and violent temper. Plus, he has no parenting skills. Left my eldest when he was two in a parking lot unattended while he went back into the hotel to get his bags. Luckily my son didn't get kidnapped.

He is just loving the fact that my younger two want to stay with him and believes it is because they want to be with him. He has not done much for them over the years other than cause them and me alot grief. He has moved over 20 times in the last 10 years and had numerous relationships and is not very stable. Still he is looking like a cheshire cat.

I am dealing with my youngest son not wanting to stay with me because he doesn't trust or even like my eldest. My daughter is pretending she wants to stay with her Dad so she can get away with murder and he is letting her. He never knows where she is and she doesn't even spend the night with him. She sleeps over at her friends house.

I am feeling so many things. Hurt especially and overwhelmed as I want my eldest to stand on his own two feet and stop going in and out of treatment centres and using my house like a revolving door.

Today I lost it with him as he has been lying around for two days (not going out once) playing video games. He doesn't lift a finger. Is staying here rent free, making a mess and not cleaning up after himself.

I feel totally used by him and my daughter, or should I say taken advantage of. I have done everything for them putting my needs on hold for so many years. It appears to be back firing.

I am a Mom who has done absolutely everything for my kids. I've raised them on my own and now that they are teenagers it's like their Dad who has done nothing is looking like a good guy and I'm the bad guy. Really ticks me off big time.

I'm really stressed out today and not being rational.
Just a vent.

Now that made me feel a bit better :-)

Kate

I think it is harder to discipline a child when parents don’t agree on how to do it, than if you were to discipline all alone.

Maybe the fact that your daughter is already 16, (in Germany that is considered an adult) …you should just have an adult to an adult talk. If she doesn’t comply, then let her go. What else can you do? Lock her in her room? It’s hard, but by letting go, she may feel like she is being treated like an adult, and will act more like one.

You have so much stress going on K. I feel for you; I really do. And I know how kids can get under your skin, transform one into a man-eating monster, or a bundle of tears. It’s terrible. And when I look back, I think dealing with my teenage sons was the worst time in my life. You aren’t alone on this…parents of all teenagers go through some stress one way or another.

Now, just 8 years later…that’s how long our house is child free….I can say I’ve done my best. Each son has gone his way, and is happy with the path he has chosen. It may not be the path I would have chosen for them…but who cares. My conscience is clear. All you can do is guide your children, love them and teach them independence. If they don’t accept your wisdom and advice,…it is their problem. Don’t let it ruin you.

You're gretting great advice here Kate. What others say is so very true about the teen years. It's just hard to know when to dig in our heels on certain issues, and when to let it go. Pick you battles. That's what I was always told.

I liked orchid's idea of focusing on your daughter's artistic ability. Is there a way to get her in a class with an instructor who could mentor her?

Someone else mentioned talking with the other parents; another good idea. Are the parents friends too? If so, you all need to ban together and set limits. It's always better when friend's parents won't let them do what you don't want them to do either.

One of the ways our kids have made it thus far is because they ended up with smaller groups of friends who have like-minded parents. It helps them to have friends whose parents set the same limits.

I'm praying for some inner peace for you. I know several women going through teen issues and it's really hard to rest when relationships aren't right.