I need to vent...you know my hubby, Larry, is one of the sweetest guys on the planet...yeterday was Father's day. He FINALLY received cards from his oldest son G and the grandkids, which delighted Larry to no end. Larry's middle child (son...25 years old), LW and his daugher D (30 years old), did not send him a card, no gift AND no phone calls, despite the fact that they live within 15 minutes from here. Larry kept his phone with him and would check it once in awhile to see if he'd missed their call. He got called to work around 7:00 p.m. and when I called him at 10:30 p.m. he had not received a call from LW and D. He is hurt and heartbroken.
I have finally had enough of these two adult children only coming around when they think it's going to benefit them, which is normally, Christmas, when they come for the 'family' party. They show up a few days later to pick up their loot of presents we give and walk away without giving their dad not so much as a christmas card.
Last night I told Larry that this year Christmas gifts will not be given to D and LW. They've ignored Larry's birthday, and Father's day for two years or longer. Last year I called them on Father's day evening to remind them , 'hey, it's Fathers' day...give your dad a call." D sent him an ecard (no phone call), and LW just ignored my request and didn't do anything.
Larry's step-sons (my boys) called him and sent him emails and got him a gift-card for his favorite store. Even Ray's girlfriend sent Larry an email wishing him a happy Father's day.
I should not be surprised that this continues to happen but it burns me up to see the hurt look in Larry's face each birthday and Father's day without a word from two of his children. What I don't understand is LW has called him often lately for Fatherly advice on how to work on a truck LW is working on...so, it's not like they're estranged from one another.
D is just selfish...in her own world, wrapped up in her own importance...she'll drive to within 3 miles of here to see friends and Larry's mom but she won't step a foot here to see her dad.
Larry told me a month ago he wanted to have a BBQ aroudn the 4th of July...it's going to be the last weekend in June because of everyone's schedules.LW is supposed to be here and we don't know about D yet (she's got to see if her work at wal-mart will interfer or not). I love my larry but part of the problem he has is he's so afraid of the kids getting upset with him that he's allowed them to pretty much do what they want/or not want and he is the one with hurt feelings.

Question..should Father's day be brought up in front of everyone or should I talk to them in private and ask them 'did you forget Father's day? do you care that you hurt your dad?" I'm going to say something, so don't try to talk me out of it...I just need guidance in when/how I should do this.
UGH!!!

Dee, I'm going to speak from the heart. I don't think you need to get involved, at all. This is something between Larry and his children. It may not be that the children are so much selfish as they are harboring deep rooted emotions from the past. Only the children and your husband can uncover and heal those feelings, whatever they are, or stem from. The healing should be between them and Larry. The best thing you can do is be available to not be available when the time comes, if it ever does. Larry may have to deal with LW and D, one at a time, separately and in different manners. There is some underlying problem that needs to surface, make itself known. Larry may not be able to see it on his own, but he is the DAD... maybe you can help him in that way... trying to discover the missing link.
Hope I haven't offended, but I'm living the child's side of a similar situation, and I'm contributing my thoughts from that angle.

Dee in my world, "YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE." These two adult 'children' need a wakeup call. I would hold steadfast to the NO Christmas etc. for them until they act differently to their father. BUT Larry has to stand strong with you on this and not weasel out cause he's afraid his kids won't like him... Do they act like they like him now? I think not. Remember once before when this came up, I suggested you and Larry take a cruise for the holidays or a trip somewhere just you two alone... Don't even tell these two you're going to be gone. Thats the way I get the attention of thoughtless people who don't seem to understand kind words.

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Question..should Father's day be brought up in front of everyone or should I talk to them in private and ask them 'did you forget Father's day? do you care that you hurt your dad?" I'm going to say something, so don't try to talk me out of it...I just need guidance in when/how I should do this.
UGH!!!

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Okay, since you're gonna do it anyway perhaps, there could be some way it can be done without causing WWIII I'd suggest that perhaps the BBQ could be turned into a joint celebration of Father's Day and 4th July whether one or all of the children turn up. And, if anyone should ask why Father's Day is being celebrated as well, just say that (gently or teasingly) it is an opportunity to grasp albeit belatedly because occasions when everyone comes together to celebrate it has become rare. Then, I would just leave it at that. Because the dynamics between Larry and his children are such (and Gims has given good advice) then the opportunity of a get-together could indeed be one to grasp and celebrate. Better than none, I guess.

Gims...you have not offended me...I am posting because I get different views and that's what I need...dialogue is a two-way-street and I value your opinion even though it differs from mine.
Let me state what I know about. Larry was raised by a Mother who continues to be a doormat to two of her children (in their 40's). Larry, as sweet as he is, is also a doormat when it comes to his children. Part of his children's problem is that he allowed them to walk all over him and remained silent instead of speaking up...Larry's children's Mother was and is a dominating woman in every sense of the word. She did not teach her children to value their father (so I shouldn't be surprised that they still don't)...all she saw Larry for was a means for her to spend, spend, spend. Her needs came first and from what I hear from Larry's sister and mom, she would berate him, hit him on occasion and humiliate him...Larry would remain silent through most of it because he was raised by a Mother who taught him to be submissive and nonconfrontational. Larry's wife walked out on him after 24 years of marriage for a much younger guy she met in a chat room (that didn't last once the guy found out she didn't have any money)...she dragged D and LW with her (they were teenages) and Larry kept G. D (his daughter) eventually tried living on her own but, like her mom, can't control spending. When I met Larry, D had been living with him for 3 years (she was 25)...he didn't require her to pay for anything...again, she did what she wanted, when she wanted. LW continued living with his Mother and bought his own home...his mom stayed with him and because they both are unable to control spending, LW lost his house, truck, and went into bankruptcy. LW went into the navy because he really didn't have anywhere else to go...when her son went into the Navy she moved down here to Mobile and moved in on her daughter in her 1-bedroom apartment. After a year and a half LW gets out of active duty and because he hasn't saved his money, he also moves in with his sister and Mother in the one-bedroom apartment.
From the time I met larry's ex, she has berated him and trashed him...she even tried to bulldoze her way into my home and I put a stop to that and her slamming my husband around me.
I think a lot of this stems from me. Because I've come along and his kids are not allowed to bully him the way they could before. Every word that spews from their Mother's mouth is hateful and spiteful about Larry...how he was a bad father, how he didn't love them, on and on and on. Despite the fact that he's loving and kind and would give his kids the last shirt off his back...doesn't mean anything. They're choosing to be like their Mother when it comes to him.
In my view, larry has done nothing to deserve this. Larry did, however, help create this behavior from his kids because he did not step up and give tough love when it was needed...perhaps that's why he isn't now...he doesn't know how. Even now Larry would let the kids walk all over him if I didn't run interference when I catch it. They've backed off for the most part and perhaps this ignoring of their dad is because they know it bothers me...I called them last year to remind them...LW ignored the request, D did not call but sent an ecard...G called. This year Larry asked me not to remind his kids and see if they would do anything on their own...you now know the story. He's pretty crushed.
I just find it ironic that the two who totaly ignored him yesterday are still under mommie's roof and influence. Birds of a feather....
I realize nothing I say will ever matter to these kids...even though my intentions are to get them to see that they have a Father whose feelings should matter to them, they will choose to ignore anything I say because I'm the outsider. So, the only recourse I have is to make sure that Larry doesn't spend one hard-earned dime on kids who are ungrateful and show no love for him when it matters.

Lola...sorry, didn't see your input until after I'd posted mine, again. Larry will pretend like nothings happened and I'll be sitting there starring at the brats wanting to strangle them.

Yep. I'd like throttle them as well, Dee. Worse, I'd probably be unable to talk because I would have chewed my tongue so badly. But, if the get together makes Larry happy...what to do, Dee?

Oh Dee…ugh; families….we just can’t choose them. What a wonderful wife you are to Larry. And I know how that must hurt to see the man you love treated like that. In a twisted way I see a similarity to how my mother is treated from my Hubby. The difference is, I have a right to say my mind and put my foot down. If you get angry, they will probably say you should mind your own business, and the whole thing could escalate.
I think Lola’s suggestion is an excellent one. And also what Chatty said, about just not being there for Christmas…and not letting them know, is like slipping the rug from under them. Maybe that’s all they need.
You know what might really get their goat is if you have friends who just love Larry and praise him to no end; and that in front of his adult kids at some BBQ.

I agree that larry is the one who needs to talk to them about this...but, that's not going to happen. And I know that my opinion doesn't mean a hill of beans to his children. In the end, it's their loss and I can only hope that they grow up before it's too late and Larry is gone.
The Christmas exclusion will happen and maybe then they'll find out what it feels like to be forgotten.

Dee, I don't know if this will help, but, here I go anyway.

Dennis' sister was told of his new diagnosis and his hospitization and is needing to go to a nursing home for rehab. She did not call. She did not send a card. Finally, I sent her an email, and told her that Dennis really needed her to call. I layed out the worst case senario and everything. She called and he felt sooooo much better.

Now she is not young, like Larry's kids, but it worked. I butted in and she called.

I admire you for wanting to say something to them. It's tough when kids don't seem to care. My best, my very best, to you both.