For the first time during the whole ordeal with Dennis, I am finding myself mourning the loss of what we had, and fearing what we will have.

How have you dealt with this type of loss?

How have you escaped the fear of the future?

I won't even pretend to know what you're feeling, because I don't. While I have had fears of a different nature as far as the future is concerned, they are so small in comparison. So I won't offer any "sage" wisdom here because I have none. I can only tell you that staying in the moment, in this day, in this hour, has helped me beyond measure. I don't try to borrow trouble, as my granny use to say, and just take it one day at a time. If you don't, you might miss something precious.

For what it's worth, I'm here!

Anno, I'm learning as I go...one day, one step, one crisis at a time. The loss of what used to be against what is now can be as excruciatingly sad as the loss of a person. At one point in the ongoing discussions about grief here, somebody (Gims?) coined the phrase "stolen forevers" to describe how death or a health crisis, or any life-changing event doesn't just alter our here-and-now, but also changes whatever "forever" we had envisioned for ourselves. So it's very much the loss of a dream, and forces us to change plans and direction.

As you know, I'm still immersed in that journey myself, but I'm at the stage where I know that even though my "forever" has changed, I still get a say in how it will look. I still get to move the rubble around and decide how to rebuild my life toward a future that I can live with and enjoy. Every single day I have to be diligent about not despairing about "what's not" and keep my focus on "what IS" and build on that.

When the future looks too frightening and overwhelming, it's time to stop and take life in smaller chunks that are more do-able and more within your power to change and adapt to your needs and ever-evolving vision of what you want your new future to look like.

With you in the journeying...

Live in the grace of the present moment, Anno. It is of such short duration considering that life, whatever circumstances it may be, comprise of present moments. God is with you and Dennis right now. By your side and His company is always dated: present. Entrust your present moments to Him. Your future triumphs are prompted by your love in the present, the latter which passes ever so quickly and for a reason: it leaves very little time to worry.

And, yes. My family has dealt with a similar circumstance when my sister's grandson was born and diagnosed with severe disability.

As we are all inclined to behave with human instincts, apprehension, not fear, reeled its head occasionally with us. How did we cope? Stopped for a moment, when apprehension came. Allow yourself to take stock. Swimmers raise their head for air. And, so should you.

We are all here for you, Anno. It is greatly appreciated that BWS opens to different time zones. There is always one of us on board. Much affection to you and Dennis from where I am.

Anno, great advice from the gals above.
Keeping you and Dennis in my prayers

Anno
Lola is right in my book.Keep busy. I think I save sorting craft stuff and cupboards to allow me to live in the moment.Also growing little seeds which need me for survival in my greenhouse.All the divertions.Indeed it may be any clutter is a complicated way humans have to cope..a safety need so it detracted from the impact of loss.
Its not only the front issue..Dennis (and anyone else who has an illness which is named) its the unknown..the faith.. the hopes... the wishes.The might have beens.
remember this..you have moved from a place you cared for..you too are in transition..It is not possible to be strong 24/7.
In my case I soldier on.whether a student had a terminal illness and I was the "Strong team member" or in a personal issue when I cannot loss "IT" because I am needed.When my Grandparents were in their last days I kept stotic because that was what they would have valued.Then I was young and well.. gutsy..had little one depended on me.
As we grown older some of us grow more tender..Myself I so see each day as a bonus..God given and allow those less evolved to discover there is a calm kind way of living.Often as I have said this is taken for weakness and when needed I can rise high and have been known to sort out situations you here would say "thats not Mountain ash's acting"

I have more than 100 of my poems published but may many more where my journaling has taken wings..some will never be seen
and my daughter has instruction in the event of me dying.They are my counsellor my judge and my release.
Recently two have been used in nursing staff magazine (anon) and the Director of nursing was contacted re them by the proffessional.So I have an outlet which in its way is helping many..most of all myself.

Anno you know we all care.We all have something different unique andloving to share wih you.But ultimatly its you who does the daily doings..and this is sore...
Thinking about you as I go about my day here and do remember PM or indeed telephone any time.If it can help.

Mountain ash.
PS
What does Dennis find omforting..funny..spritual..sharing.What kind of guy is he.
Music..golf animals gardens..or like my guy..technology (mine is a radio ham that gets him going)Also each Sat.night an hours music(Traditional Scottish which he discects and compares whilst listening on earphones as I watch Lyold Webber search for the new Nancy for Oliver)
Maybe then I could contribute..perhaps a wee dram???do you know what that is??

Thank you for the reminder to live in the moment. Each of you has said the same thing in different ways. I, myself, have said the same to others. Yesterday was simply a difficult day for me and I guess I was mourning all the losses we, as a couple, have had lately.

However, I am one lucky gal in so many ways, and we, as a couple, are a great couple and have so much. What I want to spend my time and my thoughts on is his, my and our happiness.

Thank you for the gentle reminder.

Mountain Ash,

For those of us that read between the lines, we know your strength. You are like the gentle giant, quiet and strong.

A wee dram? I have heard the term and have always assumed it is a small bit of whiskey? Am I right?

Dennis loves tech, too. This very afternoon we are going out to purchase a new monitor for his desktop computer. He has the 2nd bedroom in our new place as his office. It is full of electronic toys. And he loves 3 stooges type humor. It is so easy for me to get him to laugh by just saying the dumbest thing, or making up a silly song.

Lola, How are your grand nephew and niece? I am not surprised that your family found the strength to live in the moment and notice when apprehension reared it's ugly head and did something about it. The analogy of a swimmer coming up for air is perfect.

Today I will practice cherishing each moment and put apprehension and fear aside.

Diamond, thank you for your prayers. I almost booked a cruise to the Hawaiian Islands, and thought of you. And then, I thought, oh, she is probably in Asia right now anyway.

Ann

Anno,
Everybody heretofore has said it, "stay in the moment," as much as possible. Many of these boomers have hard hills to climb. We'll pray 4 U. Dennis and your prayers will be greatly appreciated by the boomers. I know! I got a magazine in the mail yesterday; 1 particular article caught my attention. "Take time to play!" Little kids get such joy out of life. We can take a lesson from them. Find something U really, really like to do and then find time to do it!
Blessings and prayers...

A wee dram

yes a small glass of whisky.

my husband has a boyish humour..even the cartoon in the daily paper..and when political satire is on the radio he laughs at the joke so much he doesn't hear the next one.
Mountain ash

I have been where you are Anno, and watched my young husband waste away so fast with a terminal disease. God, prayer and laughter got me through it all. Living in the day is the best advice. Last night I rented and watched a movie called THE BUCKET LIST with Jack Nicholsen and Morgan Freeman, its about two men in their later years, both terminally ill, and they make a list of things to do before they kick the bucket. I never laughed so hard, and cried too, I bet Dennis woulds enjoy it, I know my Eddie would have...Praying for you both.

Gabriel passed away nearly 15 months ago, Anno. He was 7 1/2 months old and was born with holoprosencephaly alobar. My niece was told that the baby would be born with severe disabilities. The entire family looked forward to his birth and prepared for his care. Gabriel was blind and deaf. He also fed through nasal tubes. That did not stop my niece from taking him out to the parks. Even when people gawked because Gabriel also had a facial deformity. He was born without a nose and had a wide cleft where his tubes entered.

Despite the immense hardship which came with the care of a child who was physically unresponsive, except for seizures which increased in frequency and duration: not to mention that his life would be short, not to mention the "what ifs" brought about by the presence of other children in our big family, my niece and my sister lived each day as it was blessed them. The present kept them busy enough with Gabriel that to think of the yesterdays and the tomorrows would have been an overload. Gabriel's life was lived in a succession of present days.

My niece can no longer have children but continues to live in the grace of present moments and tries not to take up residence in it because it passes so quickly into the past. Where the future is not today, she entrusts to God.

Yes, Anno, I have experienced mourning a loss before it actually happened. And I have experienced the fear of seeing my father suffer under great pain and how our family coped with it.

That was when my father was so very ill. I cried day and night, seeing this man who I had held high up on a pedestal become less and less each day. He represented strength, intelligence, and love for me. I thought I would die when he passed away. But that didn’t happen. And although I mourned when he died, I didn’t mourn as intensely as I did while he was alive.

I think mourning before a loved one dies, is a way of saying good-bye. It’s a way of learning to let go. And when that time does come, I hope for you that peace and quiet will surround you, and at the same time lift you, as it did for me.

My father’s death was not the end; it was the time for a new beginning. It’s all a cycle.

Chatty, I have thought about you often during this past year and how it must have been for you when your husband died. Yes, laughter suits me well. I am so happy that Dennis has that "boyish" humor, as Mountain Ash says, because he can make me groan and laugh at the same time.

Lola, that story is full of dignity and love. And a good model to follow. Thank you for sharing your story.

Edelweiss, the most difficult for both of us, is watching Dennis be treated with less respect than before all of this began. He, too, was a man with a high ranking position for years, and now some people look at him and talk to him as though he is an imbicile (his word). It's tough watching him deteriorate.

Live happy and live in the moment. Pray and meditate and live fully. That is what I will take from this discussion. Thank you all, once again, for helping me out of my funk. You gals are terrific.

So much is unfolding on the forum at this time.
My life is like that Good things come in threes'

Anticipating parting is a big hole.

In order to cope we all adopt personal strategies.

Anno I know you will manage..and you way is stop on for you.Paris...love and Dennis.Then plan the next visit.

One 17 year old girl was in the last stage..of cancer.she was scheduled to sit exams.Cooking was one I did with her.She was lossing her sight.Cuting veg. was way off.But together we made her test piece.Because we went through the usual procedure.I did this in a classroom just D. and I.
The other staff asked how I managed.It was pitiful This girl was high IQ and had fought so hard to live.
I managed because my gift for to give her normality..not to kid her.pretend.The normality enhanced her life.Actually I was able to do thi with no bother.Yes I had deep feeling inside but like a nurse isnt sicked by poo etc..I just cope in that situation.

This time on the forum is transiant.Soon we will be taliking about other thing.Lighter things.
But I think of Chatty wo has been there done that.Of Humlan who too has walked that road.And others.. Thats what Boomer women are..living legends.
Mountaina ash

Anno..hello! Now why did I check into the forum today? Did I hear you somewhere in my muddled brain/heart? I am cleaning my apartment after my son´s departure..reinstating my kitchen..listening to music like Shaggy and Janis Joplin (CRY)..and drinking vodka..probably time to check in to the AA ..

Anno..I am enveloping you in big big warm bear hugs..and I am sort of big and mushy..so you are getting smothered here Your funk is over now..as you wrote..and this is the what it is..it comes and goes. But LISTEN..FEEL your dear loved Dennis. He is with the angels..he has lots of them around him all the time. And they KNOW. with him, what is important and what is happening... Are you living by the hour or by just 15 minutes at a time? It´s a gift to be so near to someone that you love that lives on so many levels..that levels that you and I can only experience with them. I wanted to recapture that time later..but I never could. I guess that I am like everyone else now..stressed out and trying to make sense of life. But there was a time..when I had an angel in my life..and she showed me heaven..with her joy, gentleness and great great unconditional love. I was tired sometimes with 3 other children..I wasn´t always all that I wanted to be..but she loved me and saw my sadness..in my eyes: You smile, mommy..but your eyes don´t look happy. And then, a few days before her death..she called me from the hospital in the middle of my hectic day and told me: Mommy..don´t worry..God will take care of me.

These moments are precious..soo precious...and the dreams I had of our future together..as mother and child..were NOTHING compared to what she gave to me..NOTHING! I still don´t know how to dream they way she could..and the way she showed me.

Your dear Dennis is a messenger from heaven..he has always been just that, my dear dear Anno. And you have been blessed to receive him. And this is your dream..has always been your dream. Without the excruciating pain that you feel in the dark moments of the night..without that..you would never be able to grasp and make your own..what Dennis is giving you now. And you, him.

Dream new dreams, my dear Anno..but don´t resist your pain and your tears..they are a part of those dreams. It helps you to touch the angels..and my tears are rolling down my face..mixed with incredibile pain and joy.

All my love..humlan

Anno..hello again..Enja is playing..Who Can Say?..we have a cd player that plays selections from 25 cds at random..on one side we have my partner´s death metall selections and music from the 40´s..real blues..and on my side Janis, Enja, Springsteen and Metallica, ACDC..quite a mix, right?

Anyhoo..you know, Anno..Dennis will never truelly leave you. Matter cannot just disappear..the famous scientists have confirmed this. Dennis will be in your midst always..and in your heart. He will be in the trees..in the song of the birds..in the rush of the rivers..or the quiet of a sunset..he will be playing among the children in a park..and he will be sitting alongside some kid trying to fix his computer. He cannot just go away..nothing..nothing does that. We are drinking water that the dinasauers drank..the circle of life..my dear dear Anno. He will be in your flowers..and in the sent of them. He will come to you in your dreams..and he will help your heart beat..as he always has.

LOVE LOVE LOVE..LIFE LIFE LIFE!!! And he loves life, doesn´t he? Despite everything...

Anno, I know what you mean about treating a patient, who is ailing and who is not able to fend for himself, with disrespect.

Once I took a nurse aside, and fired her on the spot. I was only 23 at the time, but I would have spit fire if I could have. My Dad witnessed it, and was very proud of me. I could see it in his eyes. So that is how I handled people who were disrespectful towards him. I didn’t swallow it, I let them know. I was my Dad’s spokesman and bodyguard during his last 6 months. ( My mother didn’t have any fight left in her. She was depleted.) And I can only imagine that Dennis would swell with pride if you reprimanded anyone who has the (beep-beep) nerve to treat him like an ‘imbicile’.

I’m sending you big sisterly hugs that give you strength and determination to pull this through as well as you can. Just don’t forget yourself in the process. And allow anger, bewilderment and sorrow to enter your life as well. You need that as an outlet. Life takes the course it wants to anyway, no matter how you handle it. It’s just a question of riding the waves as well as you can, without falling too far and too deep.

I love you, girlfriend. And if you need any help in Paris, remember, I’m just a country away.

Thank you Humlan for your thoughts. And such a heart wrenching story. I know you are a great mom.

Hannelore...oops...Edelweiss, come and join us for a day or two. We could have a blast! Dennis loves meeting new women.

Mountain, I agree. Time to integrate some lightness into the forums. Into life.

I guess many of us R going thru difficult times. We're just going thru different difficulties, that's all. But nobody promised life would B easy. And it isn't. That's 4 sure.
But hang onto whatever faith U have! Hold on tight! I believe that's all we can do!
Prayers and blessings...

You are right, Jabber, many of us are going through tough times. Here is to all of us tough gals.



Gims, when I remember, it's easy to celebrate and be grateful for all that is working in my life. It's just that I sometimes need to be reminded.

I do feel loved here. What a fantastic feeling!

Anno, I'm trying to catch up here on the forums and have just read this entire thread. All I can really say is how wonderful that you come here to share and vent. This is such a wonderful group of boomers. In my work I've seen so many women in your current position and I have nothing but total admiration of the strength. It seems you're taking good care of yourself which is vital to being able to cope and keep up. You're in my thoughts and prayers always.

Thank you LJ. Good to see you back here. You have been missed.

Dear Anno: I'm so sorry for your pain. I pray the Lord strengthens and leads you during this difficult time. Please know that I'll be praying for both of you.

Life is full of surprises, not all of them good. But when we face such circumstances, it's so comforting to know that we are not required to walk the journey alone. God promised to not forsake you! He does truly understand all you're going through. And only He can bring full reassurance and inspiration to carry on.

Praying for you and yours...

Thank you Anne and Songbird. Today is one of those days I feel surrounded by love and grace. The women here are one of the reasons for this feeling.

Thank you.

Anno, your love and strength are such an inspiration. Paris will shine more brightly with the light from you and Dennis.

Thank you all for your wonderful words, thoughts and support. I love you all.

Anno,
U and Dennis R loved! That Kim McFarlane "Cheers" is a cutey! Blessings and prayers 2 R boomers, everywhere!

Yes, Jabber. To all us wonderful boomer women, all over the globe!

Anno,
That makes me laugh!
Oh, boy; I didn't mean to put that happy face up there along with "mourning a loss." Forgive me. It just went there by itself! Now, we ain't 1 bit conceited, R we!
We sure R clowns, though...