Jabber, that's the reality of aging, isn't it, one loss after another. Because so many died around the same time, I didn't really have time to process. Recognizing now that there will be more to come, I have to come to peace with this cycle of life...to mourn but without allowing the losses to derail me to this extent again. And to celebrate life!

Hello. I came to BWS tonight with full intention of getting caught up on the posts. I've only read this thread, which is quite profound and thought provoking. Except I never thought of God as unworthy of our love. I've thought in terms of me being unworthy of God's love, or that I had no love to give God, or that my love was not pure enough. One of the thoughts that keeps me going during suicidal thinking is that I learned to love God, and learned that God loves even me, and God gave me life for a reason, and therefore if I destroy life, I am destroying something God created and loved, and what right do I have to do that? Anyway, truth has changed. In my twenties I had an affirmation, "I know all I need to know for my soul to be at peace." However, even as I said that once in a while, I knew there was truth to be told. It took 2 decades to know the truth. Much like it takes 2 decades to write a poem that you know is there, but ... And the truth is scarey, but I would never go back to before the truth. Yes, truth changes. What I once knew as the truth was someone else's truth, my family's false truth, which I took on as my own. So much better to know your own full and authentic truth. Well, I ramble. And I am too tired to go on reading. But I'm glad I came upon this thoughtful and supportive thread. Love and Light, PL

Hello PL
Its good to hear you again.
I dont understand what you mean.


"Hello. I came to BWS tonight with full intention of getting caught up on the posts. I've only read this thread, which is quite profound and thought provoking. Except I never thought of God as unworthy of our love. I've thought in terms of me being unworthy of God's love,"

Mountain ash

Mountain Ash, Princess Lenora might have been referring to my earlier post about my truth...I had mentioned my realization that my faith had to be grounded in KNOWING, not FEELING - and my recognition that God was worthy of my love and praise even when I didn't FEEL like loving or praising Him. My statement wasn't really about God being worthy of my love, but more about withholding my love and presence from Him because of how I feel, which of course changes on any given day, or even moment by moment, meaning that my Love for Him, or at least my profession of love and praise, would be subject to however I happened to be feeling. I realized the other day that that was wrong (for me) to treat God (or any loved one) with such fickle respect.

I'm wired to operate out of emotion - that will never change. What has to change is how I manage those emotions, how I learn to mature my emotional base so that I'm not defined or ruled by such unreliable roller-coaster feelings. I thought I had figured it out, but grief has a nasty habit of relapsing us into ungracious chaos for awhile, doesn't it!

Anyway, I think that PL's statement "I never thought of God as unworthy of our love" might have been a response to my post about realizing that He's worthy of my love even when I don't feel that love. I was very angry with Him for a long time - I never stopped loving Him, I just withdrew from him, not knowing how to approach and talk with Him through that rage and utter sense of betrayal of trust. I HATED that He didn't give Gary back. But we're working through it together...He's mending those holes, slowly but surely, with great tenderness and understanding, and has helped me to understand that He yearns for my companionship and presence, even when I'm too angry and/or wounded to speak.

Poor God, we do put him through a lot, don't we?
One of my favorite Dolly Parton songs (don't watch the youtube video; it takes away from the soundtrack):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRzrHB2qhNM

Gims, He told me once that He had big shoulders and didn't mind me throwing stuff at Him...the image that came with the words was too funny. One of the things I love most about God is how He breaks through my anger with stuff that makes me laugh...it's sort of unfair, in a tender humourous way.

Just another short story about how He uses humour to break through: I clearly remember one day about 32 years ago. I forget why, but I was angry over something going on in my life at the time, and took it out on God (well, He was/has always been my most constant companion, so isn't that who we usually fling our bad moods at, the ones closest to us, even if they least deserve it?!) Anyway, I left home very early in the morning and told God I was too angry with Him for not fixing things, and wasn't in the mood to speak to Him today.

So the day goes by, very busy. As I was walking home, I so wanted to talk with God about the day, but I was too proud to break my promise NOT to talk with Him today. Suddenly one of the most gorgeous sunsets breaks out in front of me. The entire sky was bathed in brilliant oranges, reds and purples. It was indescribably spectacular - one of the best I've ever seen. Well, I just had to laugh right out loud and tell Him - that's not fair, Lord, you know I can't see something like that without thanking You!

We've had a lot of fun together. He must miss it as much as I do...

Gims, thanks you so much for posting the link to "Hello God"...I'm listening to it now, and am getting a goose bump attack.

Eagle Heart, You are precious.

Gims, I'd never heard that song before. It's giving me goose bumps too.

I finally found this one, wanted to share it here too... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmXPfGzfqWU

Don't you think a wise Father lets his children react in the given moment..
From this authentic feeling (at the time) we are taught balance.
Do you ever feel God patting you on the head..?
I do.
Thank for pointing me to the queries answer Eagle.
Mountain ash

Eagle,
I know about being angry with GOD. I cannot understand how GOD allowed such unseemly things happen to my aged friend. 4, 40 years I admired her Love of God and Christian Work. I admired the way she reconciled women who'd been floundering back 2 their Heavenly Father. Then God allowed her 2 B destroyed by satanically motivated people? I don't get it! I thought perhaps He'd restore double 4 her trouble, like He did with JOB. That hasn't happened. And I've been arguing with GOD about this for 3 years, now. I know God is all knowing. I know I don't know what He's up 2. But it's a hard pill 2 swallow. I said that, 2 say this: "I understand why U question The Lord in times of loss! I understand 2,
why 1 day U think 1 way and the next day U think differently about the same subject. I do that, 2!
Prayers and blessings...