Five days after my Granmother died we had the funeral.I was in her bedroom and all our relatives in the sitting room along the hall even on stairs.The time came for her to go in the car..I had this moment of...

I must now tell all these people this is a mistake..that they have come in vain..that I alone could wake her up.

of course the event went ahead and we all followd in a procession.
This illustrates the "Maddness" grief gifts.An unwelcome Universal package for some.
Rationally a small part knew I was mistaken...that passed and I entered a period of inertia.Just for a few days.My husband bought me an old car..I took my son to a creche went to a typing class...collect my daughter from school ..took my son to the park collected my daughter from school took them to the library..and on and on. If I had not had the children I may have curled up and hoped to die just to be beside her.
It took 25 years to write the poem LOST which doesnt start to tell Eagle what the grieving was like.It is huge scary and awful,But it gift also compassion for others in that place and a desire to do good in her memory in her name and because she gifted me good life.
Gary gifted you a good life.Dont be guilty..that is supersticous and totally understandable.Just the way you see the fact you got a legacy.I am not guily that Gran adopted me just eternally grateful.

We need to share a few confidences like I did with you yesterday..
Books do not have all the answers..they have clues.The only real book is each's own testimony.whether written or experienced.

We share so much on this forum..In writing this I realise one difference is I had my babies to tend for immediatly after the funeral..they gave a focus so there holds one difference anbout being a parent.They were part of my darling..Gran and therefor precious.
Also I was young you were mature when Gary passed and knew more..also the other private issue you shared..

Other may read this and undestand or it may incite yet another private nasty missive to me.
Know what ? I can handle that.Because Eagle you deserve to reach a place of healing.
Mountain ash

quote:The only real book is each's own testimony.whether written or experienced.
How true Mountain and may I add well put.

Quote: Other may read this and undestand or it may incite yet another private nasty missive to me.

MA, Am I to take from this that someone is PM'ing you a nasty message. Hopefully I have misunderstood that this is what you are saying.

Yes nasty messages but on a server not through here.
I did get one cyptic PM and therefor connect the two issues.

I have sympathy for anyone who does these "green ink " things.
However I have boundries and share with caution.Due in part to being from a small country and anyone with a mind to could identify me.Knowing my name alone also a no no....I can google myself..easy as pie
.I do this to allow privicy for loved ones as much as myself.
But the support PM are continue to be appreciated.I changed my email address.and trusted people have that.
and with my poetry site..a pen name which means artistic license.

we are all different.

Mountain Ash, your beauty shines and your wisdom radiates and touches so profoundly. It's incomprehensible that anyone would attack you or your immense generosity of heart here. When people do that, it speaks much more about them and their smallness of heart. But I know it hurts nevertheless to bear the brunt of that pettiness. I hope and pray that you remain safe, supported and appreciated here, because you are an awesome woman, and a miracle from God for so many of us here.

I too love your phraseology about the only real book being each person's own testimony. How profoundly wise and uplifting that is.

Today my heart is so much lighter and "sparked" than it has been in many, many months. I've been soaking in the wisdom here, practising positive focus, exercising forgiveness of others and self in regard to tired old regrets and am resolved to face the sun, fill my mind and life with praise and beauty, and move ahead with the power of renewed faith in God and self. Much healing over the past few days. Becoming aware of how easily my mind can still be influenced by what I allow to fill it has been an immense step forward. I had become complacent, but realize now that I cannot afford that luxury.

I also recognize that my faith - in God, in others, in self - cannot be dependent on feelings, since feelings change with the wind and cannot be depended upon as solid ground. My faith has to be steeped in KNOWING, not feeling, so that no matter what I feel today or tomorrow, my faith will withstand the roller coaster ride and carry me through on a much steadier course. That's not to deny the feelings, they will continue to come and they will go; it's just a conscious choice now to not rebuild my days, hope and self on such shakey ground, but to remember that faith-based-on-truth is a much more trustworthy foundation on which to rebuild this new life and future.

Onward and upward! On Eagle's wings, no less...

Eagleheart..but truth is a changing thing,too? Or what do you say? I find this very exciting and not threatening..but that´s me.

They say that the only thing you can count on is change..and death, I guess. What do you think??? And my truth doesn´t have to be your truth..

HUUUGS! And just thinking with you..I hope that´s OK?

The sermon today was about
David and Goliath

The Minister sais "Lets learn together.."
and after the text he spoke about how our Giants(Golaiths) are all different.Some may be a bad marriage a bad relationship ..boss..etc.It could be debt or every which ever.
He talked about being armed with then "Truth" our Faith.
So is the task seeking and finding our truth?
I've kinda worked out my values and put to rest any past issues where I may have been confused.
At this moment evening here I am already loking forward to another day where I may paint my bench or weed a flower patch.
Eagle what a journay..from lsitening to that song to clearer thoughts.
Think of bigotry and how people march to songs and drums and have killed others in their belief that the words are true.
I site..the Catholic/Protestant marchs which happen in Ireland and Scotland. Not my way at all.
So lyrics are words which can hurt or heal
Mountain ash

Something from my folder
.................................

The Wonder of Words ©

Fife, Scotland
2005

Some words when woven are blankets
They allow warmth to penetrate bones
Others are crystal clear
They are the testimony to the poet's
Clarity of seeing
Yet some amuse and tickle the fancy
Of children to be remembered with
Fond smiles and passed down for posterity

Seductive words joined by red roses
And champagne serve their purpose
Descriptive words enhance the seeing eye
For me forget-me-not says it all
A flower for my heart

The wonder is how from those early
Cave messages tantalisingly obscure
We have progressed as far as to
Dissect emotions, code them and pass on
Through a poet's eye all life's drama

Beautiful, Mountain Ash. I learned the hard way many years ago what a "two-edged sword" words can be. As I've evolved into increased awareness, so has my sense of responsibility to take better care that I use whatever "gift of words" God has given me to edify, encourage and empower rather than to diminish, destroy and debilitate. When you know words and how to use them, both are equally possible.

That reminds me of the year that I gave up "gossiping" for Lent. I had fallen into the habit of participating in the office gossip sessions at work (they could get very malicious), and was becoming very uncomfortable with how it made me feel about myself. So I gave it up, and it made an enormous difference inside of me. When Lent ended, I resolved to make that change a permanent one. I still get sucked into gossiping once in awhile, but bad-mouthing others leaves such a bad taste in my mouth now that I can't do it anymore. It's hard to be strong, especially when I'm so lonely, but I find that now I have to stop the conversation, say that I cannot participate in this kind of discussion and, if it continues, I walk away. It doesn't make me very popular, but I like myself a whole lot better!

Words are powerful entities. That saying: "bricks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? I don't swallow that for a moment...the ability to detach ourself from the woundings may be something we strive for, but in my experience, words do indeed impact on us and resound through our brains and being long after the scars from a brick or stone have disappeared.

Sixteen people, is a lot of people! After I read that I began to count how many close family and friends I've lost over the past few years; I had to stop counting when my heart fell to my feet. All you ladies who've lost loved ones, please remember boomers are praying 4 U! And remember 2 that someday we'll all rejoin our loved ones 4 all eternity: That's my belief, anyhow!
Prayers and blessings...