Diamond, thank you for your prayers. This has been a long road, but I'm finally at the point where I can begin to appreciate the good that will come out of this.

Mountain Ash, your wisdom and voice are always a comfort to me...how I would dearly love to walk through your countryside with you...I surely believe that miracles would happen just in the companioning of each other.

Music has ALWAYS been my companion, comforter, nurturer and my best way through any and every patch of road. Dad used to love telling the story about how throughout my earliest years, he would lie on the couch and I would lie down with my head on his chest and we would listen to music together for hours. He couldn't fathom how an infant/toddler could lie still for so long, but could tell that even at that age the music was clearly soothing and speaking to me.

I don't know why I repeatedly listen to some music...I enjoy exploring all the nuances of the instruments, the lyrics, the harmonies, and this particular song had so many layers of harmonies that I couldn't get enough of it. But once I realized that the one line had started to take on a life and meaning of its own, I stopped listening to the song for now.

I continue to seek that point in the healing process where I can look past the sad memories of Gary's last days and see that legacy of presence that you speak of. I suppose one of the reasons I fill my mind with music these days is that I'm seriously haunted by the memory of his eyes during the several days of seizuring just before he died. Getting past those images seems to be the last hurdle to getting myself through to the other side of this grief. I fill my life with beauty, flowers, music and lyrics to detract myself from those memories, but I have yet to figure out how to either put those images out of sight and out of mind or come to peace with them. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. Wanting and choosing to rise above without my heart being ready to be there too isn't working...it seems I have to allow my heart to make its own way through in its own time and just steer it along in the right direction with the help of uplifting music, positive mantras and the love of caring friends like you.

Thanks Dotsie. I was so excited to find John Michael Talbot's music last night. I started listening to his stuff way back in 1979, and found much comfort and edification through his lyrics, most of which come straight from the scriptures. I'm looking forward to hearing his music again.

I do listen to mostly uplifting music...I have one playlist with over 400 Christian songs that's often playing while I'm on the computer - Amy Grant, Imperials, Silverwind, Michael W. Smith, Sandi Patty, 2nd Chapter of Acts, Matthew Ward and many others. I guess I underestimated the power of lyrics right now in the space that I'm in these days. Now that I know, I'll be more careful what I listen to.

I've had some difficulty finding what brings sustainable joy...I continue to trust that eventually something somewhere will break through and rekindle that spark. The laughter and care we share here sparks me, as does my rose garden, music - and shopping for shoes (who knew!)

Onward and upward...with the love of caring friends, good songs rolling around the head and the lights turned on, there's only good stuff to think about today!

Dear Eagleheart..you don´t think that Gary is trying to explain to you why he had to go? When you see his eyes..in torment? It was his TIME and he saw that..he wanted to go..and he wants you now to know why he went when he did? And your desire for beauty as a result of your repeated memeories that give you pain..perhaps he is showing you how to cope..how to go on?? He is there for you..walking every step with you. And he knows you so well..and SEES so much more now..at the other end of eternity..there is so much beauty..and he wants you to see, too..because he sees so much beauty where he is now..

Just thinking aloud with you..

My heart is with you continually, Eagle. Your words always inspire me and make me think. I find it so hard to respond to your posts, tho. Whatever I say never feels adequate. I know this is my issue, no one elses.

I know you will continue to heal in your own special way.

Go forward with love and grace.

Ann

Eagle
music mirrors life

Imagine a sonata or long piece and go with it..these composers knew something.
When there is calm in a piece I store this up to be a balm on the next step.Which may be thunderous.

Indeed when the going gets tough I compare the event with the process in an interesting composition.

As with one chapter of a book...it is part of the whole.

My lovely Phil Cunningham composed a piece for his brother Johnny.I posted it here.
He described the composition as his regard and love..then the finality of Johnny death.
I have it bookmarked and when I play it..YET AGAIN..Richard says "I see you are in need of Phil."
There is a pattern...it never fails to touch the heart.Much Scottish/Irish music plays on this due to the enforced emigration and how violin could be carried aboard ship.

I have analysed the concept Identity..and within a course I wrote used music as a tool.Scottish folk music so often speaks of loss leaving parting..never returning.

Eagle keep this post going..this is a hurdle..
and whats stopping you...hop on a plane..come for that walk you could sing for your supper.(sweetly I know)
Mountain ash

http://www.myspace.com/philcunningham

A Bright Star in Cepheus.

Listen to this Eagle...

Imagine having the talent to write this music for a loved one.Phil did this and I look to the night sky where there are many stars...as you know.

Thank you, Mountain Ash...Phil Cunningham's music is beautiful...I bookmarked it and will keep going back to listen through his other offerings as well.

I'm pondering your invitation...it wouldn't be the first time I've sung for my supper LOL. It used to be sweet, but might be a little rusty nowadays! And the memory ain't so great either...I can't remember the words anymore!

But we're about due for another trip soon...I put some of Gary's money away for a grand once-in-a-lifetime trip to Africa; don't know if we're going to be able to make it this year; if we don't, maybe Scotland?

You do understand, Anne! And those are heavy losses. I'm so sorry that you're going through this...it really is difficult to get one's bearings in such a new (and unwanted) reality.

Hubby and I figured out the other day that between the two of us we've lost 16 members of our families since 1998. And because we've spent so much time with each other's families, each loss is heartfelt by both of us.

All we can do is keep moving forward, trusting that all is as it should be, and like Gims says, that we're learning something crucial in the journeying that will someday help someone else along their way.