Eagle, do you have siblings to share the load with? I remember sitting in front of the fireplace one night this past winter with my sister. We talked about Mom very openly and honestly for a very long time. It felt so good! It was refreshing to talk about her for so long and really remember the person she was.

Why do we often stop talking about people after they have died? I've been to lots of funerals. One of the pieces of advice this one minister always mentions during the service is for poeple to keep talking about the person who died. He reminds us to call and visit with the family who suffered the loss. He tells us to tell their stories with their loved ones because it's possible they've never heard them.

Whenever we get together, my three brother, three nieces and I always tell Mom and Dad stories. Most of them are funny, tender and wonderful. But my brothers, especially the oldest and the youngest one, are always very quick and adament about reminding me how much Mom deliberately hurt me, emotionally and psychologically, over my entire lifetime, how she was always able to figure out my most vulnerable buttons and push them without mercy until she got the reaction she wanted from me...which then set her up to be the injured party and victim, and me to be the wicked daughter.

So essentially, they've been trying to drill it into me that I was the victim of her mental illness, not that she was the victim of my regrettful behavior (which was defensive and mercilessly provoked almost 99% of the time).

Still, there are some responses that she provoked from me that I wish I hadn't given into. The one that haunts me big-time is slamming the phone down in her ear. There is an ugly story behind that slamming of the phone, but I wish with all my heart now that I had just counted to ten, or "accidentally" disconnected the phone mid-conversation. It was the only time in my life I had ever slammed the phone down on anyone, and to have done it to my Mom has been such a huge source of shame and regret to me, no matter what my brothers say. She had just lost my Dad only months before, and was grappling with her own grief and depression, and for me to have done that, regardless of the provocation from her end, was in my mind, incomprehensibly wrong.

Yes, I know I have to forgive myself. She would want me to. I'm trying. But obviously it's not "taking root", is it!

Have you forgiven your mom? My husband had a similar experience with his grandmother who lived with his family and acted as a tyrannical parent. He said once she was gone, he had to forgive her for all the horrible things she had done to him. After that, he was able to release his anxieties.

People who pass on to the next level can still hear us. Even after they are gone, it is not too late to tell them we care, that we are sorry, that we forgive them.

One day I was walking around my driveway - 8 times is a mile. I thought about my first husband Joe's grandparents, how much I loved them. I was sending love to them. They passed away more than 30 years ago. All at once a face appeared in my mind, the face of Loren, Joe's father. He'd been deceased for 15 years and I hadn't seen his family for longer than that. Loren's face was sad, and he said, as a whisper in my mind, "Forgive me." I said, "For what? There's nothing to forgive." And he said in ways that were not words - For the things that I did to Joe when he was a child that caused your marriage to fail. Loren was an alchoholic and was sometimes violent with Joe. I said, "I forgive you." Loren smiled, and his face faded from my mind. It was beautiful.

Like I said, those who have gone on to the next level can still hear and feel the love in our hearts. Ask for God's help with this, speak to your mom with your heart. She will hear you.

Love,

The emptiness is here today for my sister, for my cat Fleggie who died last fall. Sometimes I wonder how one can be fine with something and not fine at the same time.

Vi

((((( VI )))))

2 am is usually my worst time too

i havent found an answer to the roller coaster of emotions yet - my head says it's okay - but my heart weaps

remember that she is still with you -- sit quietly and listen for her voice - wait to feel her hug -- dont allow the emptiness to keep her from you --

and know you arent alone

carolyn

Carolyn, thanks for your encouragement. I have felt Anita off and on lately. You're right, the emptiness feeling can put up barriers. This has happened with others who passed, and as the grief lessened I was better able to feel their presence. When I needed the assurance most, I was standing in the way of it. Sometimes I've worried that maybe the person can now read my thoughts, and what if all of those thoughts aren't exactly diplomatic. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not a loved one I care so much about. And yet...to grieve it would not be good for me to block those thoughts. All of them need to come out, so I can release them. But lately, even with those kinds of thoughts, I've known she is with me.

Thank you, Eagle Heart, for your ongoing thoughts and prayers. It has been my experience that no one can fill up that empty spot. No one can replace another. Each has a unique niche. And, yes, it is both a blessing and a source of distress.

Love to you all,
Vi

Vi - I'm not sure every word we say or all our thoughts are actually "heard" by those gone before us -- I think that power is reserved for God but I do think that our "mood" is picked up on and responded to -- like when we really need to feel their presence

or perhaps they are always around and it's US that picks up on THEM ????

For every one of "those" thoughts that we feel a bit guilty about thinking -- just remember that they had the same thoughts.

Sisters are allowed not to see eye to eye over everything -- you just add to your heartbreak by worrying about something like that -- say what you need to say -- out loud to her -- yell at her like you would have a year ago or tell her your sorry -- which ever the case may be and then do like you did when she was physically here -- forget it --

and then love her and enjoy her company

Vi, you don't have to worry about hurting anyone. There is no pain in heaven. Only sweet bliss. Imagine it. Can you? You are dear to consider her feelings at this stage of the game.

Lion, you are SO wise! Lovely response.

Thanks, Lion and Dotsie, for your reassurances. As a writer, or maybe I should say a participant observer, my mind goes to lots of places, i.e. I entertain all kinds of possibilities, some of them valid, some of them off the wall, some verifiable, some impossible to verify on this level. So, I consider all the things I do and how all these will impact others wherever they are. Love is, love does, love heals, lover never harms another soul in anyway...if it can avoid it...for the highest good.

Vi