Thank you, Pam. How wonderful that your last image of your dad in his uniform is so positive. I remember your dear sweet Toby - you were his guardian angel.

Thank you, Eagle Heart, for sharing this part of my life. You have taught me so much about the various manifestations of grief. You have reinforced for me that there is no one right way to grieve. You, too, have blessed me.

Vi, weird. I have been journaling about this kindness you are speaking of except I refer to it as love. I am learning that life is love, and the more we love, the more we are loved. Also figuring out at age 47 that I'd rather belong the the human race than the rat race. I wish I could have learned sooner.

I appreciate this thread more than you know. Everyone is bringing something different to the conversation and it's so rich. Thanks.

Dotsie, thanks so much. I never had any idea when I started posting this stuff about my sister, that this thread would turn into something so beautiful. You're right, everyone is bringing something wonderful, something that seems magical to it. It's a blessing, a true blessing.

The reason I use the word kindness instead of love is because the word love carries many connotations, some misconceptions. So many people have been hurt by someone who claimed to love them. In my opinion the word kindness does not have the potential for the same kind of negative load.

A little kindness from person to person is better than a vast love for all humankind. Richard Dehmel

very good point Vi

Eagle Heart - I used to believe that it mattered -until one day I realized that it was keeping me stuck in a dark world. I've been asked, more than I care to count, what happened that caused my split -- and I tell them the same thing -- I don't care anymore -- all I care about is that i've been "validated" and it's time to move on. Being abused as a child is horrible --but the bottom line is -- we aren't children anymore -- and you have a choice to continue to live your life under that cloud or let it go. I don't know what happened between you and your mom - but she's gone now and there's nothing you can do about it - maybe it's time you close that chapter and start a new one -- as an adult -- remember what feels good about childhood and let the rest slide -- and you know what -- YES -- IT CAN BE -- JUST THAT SIMPLE but please let me say -- that I DO understand what you're going thru -- I don't mean to minimize it in any way !!! it's just that at some point in our lives we have to just ----- let it go ----- for your own sanity

Dianne - I used to work at a funeral home/cemetery. I drove in every morning and said good morning to everyone and liked to walk around the grounds to read the names out loud -- some of these people had been buried there since the late 1800's and I had to wonder if the generations of family since they died even knew they were there anymore -- so by acknowledging them -- I felt that they were still "important" somehow -- that someone still remembered that their life was full and important to someone at one time.

I dont care for funerals however -- as Pam says - its just the shell laying there and I feel closer to the person outside -- asking God's angels to help them adjust to their new surroundings

Dotsie -- I prefer to be a part of the HUMAN race instead of the rat race myself -- though I'm afraid we may be in the minority

Vi -- so many times I've started to respond to one of your posts and I sit there and say ???? what more can I say ???? she's said it all and so much more eloquently than I could have but I want you to know that I too appreciate this thread and your sharing with us your journey --

Dotise, I loved what you said about being a part of the Human race rather than the rat race. And Lion, your words are so important. We all have sadnesses and even terror in our past, but we have to just walk through it then walk on. To stay there only empowers the negative in our lives.

quote:

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Originally posted by Vi:
A little kindness from person to person is better than a vast love for all humankind. Richard Dehmel

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And Vi, I love your quote. Love does include both the bad and the good and it's still a powerful word, but it is so overused sometimes I fear it will become nothing but a meaningless cliche.'

Another truism I have heard, and I don't know who said it, is "Being nice is not always being kind." Sometimes it seems as if we are more focused on being nice in order to be accepted than on being kind in order to help. Almost always the truth is kinder than the nicest words.

Thanks ladies for making me think.
smile

lion, I believe that is exactly what God wants us to do. He wants us to shed the old self and put on the new self. He makes all things brand new. Amazing when we listen and choose His ways instead of our own. A daily prayer of mine is:

More You
Less me

Some people find it hard to believe that we aren't supposed to be like ourselves because they are so in love with themselves, or think they are all it and have it all together. Unfortunately, this isn't how God wants us to live. He wants us to deny ourselves and follow Jesus.

I don't mean to sound preachy, it's what I believe and it works for me when I have the mindset to live like that.

Smile, I've never thought about being nice meaning not always being kind. I agree. I like that.

Thanks for imparting your wisdom ladies. YOu're all great. Ienjoy grasping new thoughts about faith, life, and death.

Lionspaw, thank you for the affirmations. I agree with all that you said about the need to move on from sources and places of pain. Those who hurt us need not have power over us anymore. I, too, allowed those things and persons who had caused me pain and despair to control me. And finally, I thought, I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm sick of being miserable. I can spend the rest of my life being miserable, or I can find ways to climb out of the toilet I'm living in. Yes, it is as simple as that - simple but not necessarily easy.

Smile, I love "Being nice is not always being kind." I never heard it said that way before, but it is true. Sometimes being nice is just good manners, when the person is thinking or implying something else. Being kind sometimes doesn't always sound kind. Sometimes a lie is required if one is being "nice." Being kind never requires a lie. In the long run lies are counterproductive to the liar and the liee.

During my search for ways out of my toilet I explored many theologies. In each I studied, there was validity, underlying truths, beauty. The followers, of Buddha, Krishna, Jesus, Mohamed and so many other wise ones, have found what they need in these men's teachings. There's a wonderful book by Huston Smith, The World's Religions. It is very enlightening. He brings respect and honor to the subject. His parents were Methodist missionaries. Each seeker finds enlightenment in the ways that are right for her/his heart.

There is oh so much validity in the words of a writer called Shakespeare - This above all: to thine own self be true.

There is beauty in each of us already, waiting for us to acknowledge it. It is unnecessary to look to anyone else. The answers we seek are not in the mountains; they are not in the desert; they are not at the ocean; they are not in a building. We are each connected to All-That-Is - the essence of the Universe - what some call God. There are so many paths winding their way to this place that is not a place at all. It is within. To look externally is to miss a profound blessing. All that we need is available to us right here, right now in a way/ways that are right for each of us. My way doesn't have to be the same as your way, for it to be right for me. Your way doesn't have to be the same as my way, for it to be right for you. Respecting, allowing for the difference, is the key to peace. It has always been so. And if you remember this was my reason for starting this thread in the first place - that my sister had the right to choose her own way of dying, and we have the right to choose our own way of living. This is a wonderful thing.

Much love, much kindness,
Vi

Today, I took Mom for her quarterly visit to the doctor. I made sure my sister's name had been removed from the person to contact in case of emergency list. I didn't want Dan to receive a call asking for Anita and have it hit him hard. Then I took Mom grocery shopping, or rather I shopped for her at Walmart, while she sat in the McDonalds part of it. Walking very far is too difficult for her now. Back at Mom's house Phil, my husband, was housecleaning and setting up Mom's new computer in hopes that she can develop Internet skills, and this will take her mind off of her pain and improve her memory. She had said she wanted a computer and wanted to surf the Net. She told me this repeatedly. So when we got back to the house, he gave her lessons. She wasn't much interested. Phil had spent 3 days preparing the computer so it would be simple for her to use. It was frustrating for both Phil and I.

Basically the day was a affirmation that neither my sister nor my brother(he's in jail) is available to help with Mom. Not a problem except for the things that have always irritated me about my mother - her learned incompetence as a form of manipulation is always there. And it bugs me. I love her, but . . . That's how I'm feeling today.

Dan dropped by today for the first time since Anita died. I think it's been over a year since the two of them were here - she'd been too sick to visit. He and his kids and their spouses had gone early this morning to the river, not far from here.

So Phil, Dan and I sat in the living room and talked. We didn't mention Anita. Even though I've had all this training on how to talk to people about this kind of thing, training is irrelevant at times. It's kind of go by what feels right. So we talked of Mom and caring for her and my frustrations, and about what Dan has been doing. I showed him my latest painting of my husband when he was a young hunk, and a variety of other things. We are both glad he is getting out and doing things. He is taking his travel trailer to the beach this week for the first time with out her. His daughter and son-in-law will join him for a day. One of his granddaughters be there for a weekend. But other than that he will be alone.

It still seems so odd that she's gone. Odd is the operative word. One can think these things over and over, and I know in time it sets in. But there it is. Odd.

The reality of our world was different for Anita in some ways, I think. She accepted it. But her way of seeing things was old school, as a teenager during the 50s. So in many ways I am glad she doesn't have to be here with all the violence and unrest.

She is in loving place now. I'm pleased for her. And Dan will make it somehow...like we all do when we experience loss. Love of others helps.

Vi

It does sound as if Dan has lots of love in his life, and although it doesn't help now, I can honestly say that while time doesn't remove the pain entirely, the edges do soften. That's what I wish for him, and for you. To have softer edges.

Sending warm thoughts to Dan and to you.

JJ