Amen!

Vi -

I sure do relate to your entertaining all sorts of possibilities -- just shows how creative you are ;-)

You have to keep wondering about life, love, and death -- or you might miss something reallllly special --

He walks alone now.

He returned to the mall where he and Anita walked before she became too sick - morning walks before the stores opened. He walks with, yet not with, the others who also come to stave off infirmity. After the walks he stops for breakfast . . . so he won't have to cook. He did so much of that for her, for her special needs. He doesn't cook for himself much now. His former daughter-in-law, a gourmet cook, brings dinners and treats.

He returns to an empty house. He senses Anita with him. Tears touch his eyes when he talks about it. His pain is evident, but he does not display it. He is a man who has always kept this kind of thing to himself. His children and grandchildren invite him over, to help keep him busy, to show their love, to comfort themselves. But he is alone when he goes home.

He keeps the house very clean, because she did. He does many things because she did, because they did them together. His son stops by mornings sometimes to spend time with him, goes with him to seek out areas for the fall hunting season. His daughter and son-in-law search for property with him, so he can purchase land for a permanent camping site. Overcrowding is such a problem; it is hard to find a place these days. He and Anita and the family loved to camp - to enjoy nature and each other. Soon he, his daughter and son-in-law will take the trailer to the ocean and spend time beachcombing, like Anita loved to do.

Yes, Dan walks alone now. And it is hard to see him in such pain.

Thank you Dotsie and Lionspaaw for your words and the love behind them.

What a terribly touching telling of Dan's life as it is in this moment in time Vi. I can't help but think that he truly doesn't walk alone though - I'm sure Anita is right there with him....I also am sure he feels the love of you and his family and while it doesn't take the pain away, I know that it helps.

I know you are right, Pam. He knows it too. But when a loved one no longer has skin you can touch, the one who was part of your 24 hour day, when they are in another dimension, it feels like you are walking alone. The heaviness in the heart is close to unbearable. I see that in his eyes. And I remember how it was for me after Gary died...only Anita been part of his life for so much longer.

May the Good Lord bless and keep him, and everyone who is now experiencing this kind of pain, and remind him/them that the relief of time is on it's way.

Love to you,
Vi

Vi, your post about your brother-in-law is beautiful. It reminded me of my dad after Mom's passing.

We do all we can to help those that mourn, but unless you are that person we can't grasp the severity of isolation they must feel when unlocking the door to an empty home. I'm sure you're a refreshing spirit for him to connect with because you have shared about the loss of a past love in your life. Keep blessing him.

Thanks, Dotsie, for your sentiments, your ongoing kindness.

Anita died a month ago today. I remember after Gary died, for years I was aware of the day he died on the monthly-versary of that day and the exact time, what I was thinking and feeling. At first it was very intense. So I send Dan an e-card. Which seems so inadequate. I know this is part of his growth. Loss is all about growth for the ones who remain behind.

Yes, blessings - a very good thing.

Vi

Vi, what a beautiful message and so well written. It's very powerful.

I have a question for those who have lost a spouse. How do you get through it? How can you live with the pain? What kept you going? I guess it's this aging thing when we start thinking about it more often.

Vi, your continued journey from your first post about Anita to your continuation a month after her passing is touching. My best to you and her dear husband, Dan.

Dianne, You have posted some interesting questions. I am still in contact with Linda(who lost her spouse in November.) I think it is still to early to ask her outright, but I just might mention your post. If she offers any feedback, I will ask her if I can use it in my reply.

chick

Dianne, thanks for your words about my posting. I'm grateful.

Although Gary and I were not married, at the time we were both burned out on marriage. It was something neither of us wanted. However, we were just as committed to each other as if we had been married.

The way one makes it, is a day, a minute, and hour at a time. Ten minutes can seem like an eternity, because the person is not there, in the physical sense. I sat and cried a lot. I moped a lot. I walked until I was so tired I barely had enough energy to get back home. I reexamined my spiritual beliefs. I talked aloud to God, and all my words weren't nice. I nearly killed myself. Most of my friends pulled away. I read books on the subject of loss. I went to a support group offered by a woman, Kelly Osmond, MSW, who lost her son when he was twenty. She and I had the same prof in college. He told me about a book she had written about the loss of her son and her group. I made friends at the group with those who were going through intense losses of their own, though none of them were their lifemates. It took a long time for me to be okay.

Basically, I can say it was hell, but it helped me grow into a kinder more loving, more compassionate person, a person who is open to spiriutal possiblities I considered implausible before his death. For all this I am grateful. I love who I am now...even though I still have a lot to learn.

When it comes time, you will make it through. And with the support of the women here at Boomers, it will be easier.

Chick - thanks for your support, for saying my experience has touched you. It helps.

Love and blessings,
Vi