Hello, all,
I am relatively new here, and have posted my story under the topic, "He's Just Not That Into You." I am now dealing with the stages of grief, and striving mightily to recover in quick time from a devastating hurt. I am age 54, divorced 8 years now, and certainly don't want to spend more of my precious time wallowing in hurt feelings from being rejected by a lover. I have many, many books on the subject, and have just ordered many more! Since the relationship is truly over, and I KNOW IT!, I am working to get past the pain in every way I can. But I find myself okay for a few hours, and then lapsing uncontrollably into wanting to cry. I am a middle school art teacher, and I can't be doing this! Also, at this point, I look forward to nothing, just wanting to come home from work and hide in my home. Also, I think it is too soon to try to meet someone new, feeling it is better to learn once again to be alone. I just spent three years in solitude, after yet another disastrous relationship.
For those of you who have been thru the recovery process, I would like to hear your stories of success!
ARI

Also, last night I had dreams of a male figure coming after me with sharp knives...and being held hostage! I recognize this as part of my "victim" mentality, and, yes, maybe I need to seek therapy. I just hate it!
ARI

Aria,
I don't think it's too early to begin seeing people again. There's nothing wrong with dinner or a movie with another person. They don't all have to be "potential" boyfriend/marriage material. Having dinner and "ex free conversation" with another man or woman for that matter is healthy and enjoyable. Sometimes getting out is good for the soul.

I don't know anthing about analysing your dream.
Keep us posted.

chick

[ April 23, 2005, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

Thanks, Chickadee,
It's all very tiresome and I just want to move beyond this. Anytime we extend ourselves lovingly to someone, there is the risk of hurt. I realize that time alone is a big factor in healling, but at the same time, I am doing all I can to think clearly, reading, praying, attending to my studies and self-care. The stages of grief are apparent to me, and I try to work thru them, acknowledging their presence, and then moving on. They come and go, sometimes overlapping, with no neat order. I guess it's all part of recovery.
Thanks!
ARI

Dear Ari, I am going to post a passage from my book because I think it pertains to what you are going through. Not that I have any expertise in dream analysis, but your dream sounds like a serious message to you. My question is: who was in control in the dream? What visualization can you do to take your power back? In this scene from the book I am telling my counselor (Karen) that I was thinking about a friend who had just died.***“I was obsessed with thoughts about him. Why did it take me such a long time to get over his death?”

“You were grieving. Mourning doesn’t come with a stopwatch; it takes time. Grief is a powerful emotion with many layers, like denial, anger, and acceptance. His death represented the other losses inherent in trauma. Focusing on his death allowed you to grieve the loss of your childhood, the loss of protection by parents, the loss of your sense of self.”

“I was grieving accumulated losses that I hadn’t acknowledged before.”

“That sounds about right,” Karen agreed.

Excited by insight, my arms flew up as if participating in a wave at a baseball game. “I just hit on something,” I interrupted.

“What?”

“I couldn’t control Christopher’s death, just like I couldn’t control Heather’s life. I couldn’t even control the loss of my own virginity. So I was also grieving the loss of control.”

“So much in your life was beyond your control. What do you think you could have controlled?”

“My friends,” I realized. “I befriended everyone who seemed to like me, or I did anything to get him or her to like me. It did not matter if I liked them, as long as they showed me some sign of the affection and acceptance I craved.”

“What does that remind you of?”

“My own family. I was used to a family out of control, a family that took control of my body. My so-called friends used me in ways that I was accustomed to, physically and emotionally. It’s like I automatically put myself in harm’s way.”***

Thank you, Lynn,
I have family history in which I too was not allowed to express any emotion, opinion, or grief. For me to express that in any manner, it must be an overwhelming feeling, which I did with the Ph.D., and then was promptly rejected.
I was not sexually abused, but from early childhood, I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother. My father was an absent figure, turning a blind eye to it. A female counselor once asked me, "How did you ever, EVER, manage to accomplish the degree of success you have done, and have you ever considered how much MORE you could accomplish if you weren't focusing your energies on these dysfunctional relationships with men?" It has been thru sheer will power and drive that I have managed the degree of success I have. I have good rapport with my students, and as an artist, I sell all the work I produce. If I had more hands and more time, I could be very successful in that area.
Chickadee has suggested getting out and dating, but I think time alone assessing my behavior and responses in this last dating experience is required. I was too accommodating to the man...something I do out of being the good girl "fixer."
ARI

Yes, Chatty, I took it back, along with a gift of a lamp! I just realized today that I had given him several gifts...a lamp, an piece of my art, antique coasters featuring sports cars (which he favors), an expensive art easel, and probably more I can't remember now. I have nothing in my home here from him. This is why I need to assess my behavior...too accommodating!
ARI

Arie, I didn't mean dating as in looking for someone. I meant going out with people/friends i.e. girlfriend for coffee or male friend for dinner. Sorry for my misleading post. I re-read it and got the same message too.

Hang in there

chick

Oh, I saw your intended message, Chickadee, and you even stated that I should get out with girlfriends! You're a sweetie.
Thanks,
ARI

Hi Ari, thanks for sharing about your childhood. You must have done a lot of "inner' work with a therapist. You gave so much of youself to that stupid Ph.D and got so little (nothing) in return. When you give your art away, you are giving a piece of yourself away. He is a manipulating fool to not see how much good you have to give. You probably had to be accomodating to your mother to keep her from being abusive, and it sounds like your father gave you nothing in return, just like what's-his-face. I'm sorry you are grieving so in the wake of this lost love affair. I have a feeling that you will come out of this stronger. Where can we see your art? Love and Light, Lynn