Support for the Survivor

What can you do? BE REAL

B Believe her and believe in her*

E Educate yourself; share your knowledge

R Reassure her that is was not her fault

E Empower with information and resources

A Ask what you can do and do your best

L Listen without judgment to what is said

*It is estimated that at least 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will be a victim of sexual violence in their lifetime. The female pronoun is used for both genders. Acronym created by LCT

Princess..I am lifting something you wrote from the thread on "boxes" and bringing it here. I don´t know how to work the quote thing on this forum, so I am quoting you from memory here,.."incest is never a random act like a car accident..it is a about control".

I was told that my incest experiences were due to the use of whiskey by the adult and the situation he was in at the time..but this wouldn´t wash for you, right? Can you explain what you meant by your quote above?

Humlan, liquor is never to blame. Drugs are not to blame.

People are to blame. Everything else is just an excuse.

Abuse is not an accident -- it's a conscious act. The abusers know they're hurting you, but don't care about anything except themself.

Yes, I can explain more. I appreciate that you are asking and trusting to share here. People often talk about what "happened" to them in terms of sexual assault, including incest. I say that SA doesn't just "happen" like a random fender bender on the freeway. SA, including incest, is calculated, deliberate, and forceful. SA is about the perpetrator taking power and control over a victim, using sex as a weapon and vehicle for force. Intoxication is not a reason, excuse, or explanation. Nor is mental illness. My father was an alcoholic, drug abusing paranoid schizophrenic. He molested 2 of his children that I know of, 1 I'm sure of but can't say, and a sister he hit on, or more. One cannot say, "Oh, he was mentally ill, he did not know what he was doing." Actually his mental illness served him in clever manipulation of his victims. In your experience(s) may I ask what situation that he was in that you are referring to? Feel free to email me. Also, Dotsie has posted the teleseminar on the front page so you can click and here the interview via your computer. Meredith, thank you so much for jumping in here. PL

I heard you,PL, say that 19% of females that have been sexually abused as children, end up in clinical depression, which extends into suicide attempts. And the program host, interviewer didn't know the percentage was that high. I believe there are many women out there who were abused in childhood, but refuse to talk about it. And it eats away at them. Generations before us thought it taboo to speak of such issues. But those of us that vent not only are helping ourselves heal, we're showing others they're not in that painful boat alone. I'd like to say to others on this forum, who've experienced any type of abuse, many of us know the flashbacks and the hurt. And we understand fully, the torn emotions, which result from those awful experiences. And you're in our prayers!
Blessings...

P.S. I agree with the Divine Ms. M; abusers use all types of excuses for their behavior. But it's about power and meanness and selfishness. And believe me, some of them are not mentally ill. One of my abusers was a well-educated,
pillar of the community, professional! The other was my adoptive family's trusted friend. Both of those men were
intelligent, conmen.

Princess..it was a bit hard to write here this time..I even deleted my post once..but I think I am on the brink of being able to talk about this on another level..so I want to try... if I can´t..I´ll go pm.

Ladies..this is a whole new concept for me..this business of controll..premeditation, etc. I have been abused by several men among those that I knew and trusted as a teen-ager..and even before my teenage years. But the most difficult was my father. And he is the one whom I talked to years later..because he wanted to. I didn´t really want to. My parents were living in Calif then and I in Sweden. My father said that he was sick and didn´t have all that much time left. So I took 2 of my children and made the long trip out..in 1983..a year after my daughter died. He said it happened because of his misuse of whiskey and the fact that he lost a very important job from one day to the next..not because of drink, but during the McCarthy time. My father´s psychiatrist from Harvard Med. gave me the same spiel. My father asked me to talk to him before I got married..my father thought I might be using marriage to run..and maybe I was. I bought it, ladies..I bought it all..and I have ever since. So this is new to me and I need it explained..where does the control come in? I don´t see it.

P.S. My father went on to live for many years and travel around the world 2 or 3 times with my mom.. He died 20yrs later..so much for that crisis!

Both of parents were/are highly educated and so is my x-hubby, so I know that education is not a clear pass for anything..it can enrich your life, I think..but it guarentees nothing. There are all sorts of different "IQ´s" these days..a high Intelligence score certainly doesn´t also mean a high Social or Emotional IQ. I am so glad that there are some nuances in the scores today..

Love Winnie the Pooh and Tiger too!

Hello Jabber and Humlan, I am sorry for the abuse you endured. So sad that abuse exists. Statistics pertaining to child abuse, incest, date rape, domestic violence, and more, well, those statistics are not an exact science. When statistics are compiled, the researchers use REPORTED events. So for every incident that is reported, how many go unreported? And, for every one incident that is reported, how many other incidents did the victim endure before filing that ONE report? Jabber, you were listening to the interview with Dennis Griffin. He is a former detective turned crime writer turned author promoter. He would not know the statistics for child abuse, was he shocked by what I said? I don't know. He writes crime, and like I said true crime occurs in our own families. 19% might as well be 25% if we had a margin for all those unreported incidents. 25% is a quarter of our population of women. A quarter of our population of women attempts suicide after sexual assault. That does not account for those who attempt suicide after an attempted sexual assault. Phew! So it is staggering to me to understand that we are losing a quarter of our females potential to sexual violence. No wonder it took so long for women's rights. 25% of us were missing. In terms of perpetrators, they cross all socio economic groups, states of mental health (or illness) educational accomplishments (or not), use of alcohol/drugs (or not)...it does not matter. One of those who committed incest in my family was a city councilman! He was caught, but by that time his daughters and son are already ruined, oh, and his nieces too. No one knows the number of those outside his family that he molested during his many years. "Elected official charged with sex abuse of child." Another was a fireman, putting out fires in the community while abusing his own children until they were just ashes of their former selves. I don't have the notion that everyone who was abused has to talk about it openly in order to heal. I speak out so that others know they are not alone, and if that helps them heal, then, thank God. Many who were abused don't even know that it was abuse. Or, as in my case, she refuses to talk about it until it is suppressed in the memory, only to erupt like a volcano later. But speaking out publicly is not a condition of healing. It is a personal decision. Humlan, I said in the interview with Denny that I had torn up diaries as a child because I was so afraid of what I was writing, and I did not even know what I was writing was child abuse. So if I couldn't handle my own diary, I can just imagine how difficult it was for you to share here. I understand that you would delete it. Did you hear me say that it took me 2 years to tell anyone I wrote a book about surviving child abuse? How's that for deleting a post! Anyway, your spirit wants to unravel what has been all twisted up in knots so that your soul can flow, be free, and soar. That is a meaning to opening up here. I'll talk more about control in another post because this one is so long. I have a lot of extra information and education on my blog, which is attached to my site. I had to close my blog to comments because of hideous spam, but you know how to reach me. Love and Light, Lynn

PL, thank you for posting this subject matter. So many people 'ignore' it and hope it will simply 'go away' with time. Time does not really heal all wounds.

To this day i'd like to expose my uncles for that which they did, how us girls have suffered. Yet, about 35 years later they are pillars of their communities, professionals, wealthy, and are putting their children through college.

That's why so many victims are silent b/c when they speak up they are not believed. I wish more folks would BE REAL.

Mustang, I hate to, but have to agree, time does NOT heal all wounds and with time some wounds actually get worse and affect those suffering in sinister ways. I hate child abusers with all my being especially those commiting sexual abuse. Maybe a typed letter sent confidentially to the slime ball after these many years, when he/she has something to lose, telling him/her that they haven't gotten away with anything, that you remember and Gods gonna get them for what they've done. Just imagine the sleepless nights that could cause waiting to see what comes next... Let them do some remembering and suffering as well. You wouldn't even have to sigh it, let the sick SOB wonder...Payback is a bitch and can be uplifting too.