Mustang,
Chatty's idea sounds like a good one. Let them remember what they did and let live through sleepless night after sleepless night. I know some victims of abuse that haven't had a good nights sleep in years. Turnaround is fair play!!!

http://www.beyondthetears.com/products.html
If anyone wants to help me continue with my cause, please visit the above links for either a copy of the book OR a wonderful crystal pendant that is a fund raiser for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide. Buying the pendant helps me put gas in my car to go to centers to speak (for free) about these topics. As far as disclosing to the perpetrator, and confronting his abuse, anonymous letter writing is a cathartic technique. How do you confront a dead perpetrator? Write a letter, put it on his grave. Write a letter, send it to the cemetary, with no return address. I don't even know where my father is buried. I wrote a letter, sent it to his last known address (30 years prior) without a return address. When I confronted my brother 30 Years after the fact, it was by letter, and he did have plenty of sleepless nights. My stepfather said my brother "looked like a walking cadaver." My brother's redemptive quality is that he had a conscience, and he went to counseling. Anyway, that's what I was, dead girl walking, because my spirit had been killed while my body went through the motions. In fact, a writer about sexual assault calls it "soul murder." By the grace of God and presence of mind, I was able to resurrect my spirit. But, like we are saying here, "it" never goes away.

Humlan, what you are describing about your father is actually a typical characteristic of perpetrators of abuse. What I understand you saying is that he blamed the abuse on 1) whiskey 2) McCarthy 3) job loss. What is typical here is the inability of the abuser to take responsiblity for his actions. He says he lost a job because it was the McCarthy era. So the train of thought is 1) it's the McCarthy era PLUS 2) he lost his job = abusing his daughter. He has blamed McCarthy not only for losing his job but also for abusing his daughter. This is a pattern of the abuser, a convoluted blaming system. Education has nothing to do with the competance of a psychiatrist. And why was your father going to a Harvard trained psychiatrist in the first place? Then, your father tries to control YOUR decision to get married by second-guessing your motives for marriage. At that point it is not his business WHY you get married. It is only up to you. He played a mind game, and playing games with your mind is a form of control. Getting the psychiatrist on board is another matter of control, controlling you with the theoretical expertise of the psychiatrist. Your father lived 20 years past the crisis? Was the crisis a hoax to manipulate you? There is a lot to think about here. It is probably hard to hear. It's amazing that you say you are on the brink of talking about this on another level. Talking is a huge part of healing. Unfortunately, talking isn't easy. Healing isn't easy. But it is possible. healing means different things to different people. Empowering yourself by recognizing the truth is part of healing. L, PL

I'm pulling this forward so that Humlan has a chance to read it and I don't know if she did and also it might help anyone else.

Thank you for your reply, Princess. I´ve had a crazy busy week..including a head bonk that gave me a concussion with aftermath for 2 days! And yesterday I had my eye op. So I am a bit battered and torn..and haven´t had the energy or time to check in.

But now I have read your answer and given it some thought..mind games. My father was VERY good at mind games! He could turn and twist anything I said..which was very difficult since I was his daughter and so much younger than he.

Sexual abuse, for me. entails 2 people..when it happens in the near family..both the person who does it and the person who turns a blind eye..in this case, my mother. She also, then played her games..as I now see by what you have written. She "organized" so that I was sent to boarding school..a Catholic one, run by nuns..to be away from my father. She never talked about what happened. Not during the time..or anytime after. I have tried to talk with her about it..to somehow understand how she could let my father remain as a part of our family..living at home. I am the only child, by the way. I sincerely wanted to understand her thinking..but we never talked about it..as she never wanted to. It was almost as tho it never happened as the years went by.

My father did talk about it..as I wrote..HE wanted to and so we did. But I see now that he was just trying to excuse himself..not really own up to what happened and what it did to me..and still does.

"Soul murder"..I have called my experience just that. Interesting. I remember discussing "sin" with my x-hubby..I maintained that actions that kill the soul are more serious and deadly to a person than physical acts..like unfaithfulness..I never really realized where I was coming from..but now I know. I had my "soul murdered"..my spirit..many many years ago. And it´s a very tough thing to live with..with part of your soul always bleeding.

My father lived many years after the McCarthy era..he died in 2003 or 4.

My father went to the psyciatrist because he was suffering from depression..the reason my mother gave for why he drank and did what he did..whatever it was. My father stopped drinking when I was 18..but his personality and the man he was, remained.

It´s not hard to hear, Princess..it liberating. Because I am going deeper and perhaps able to see and feel how my parents have manipulated me..and given me oh, so many guilt feelings..along with the Catholic church..and another religion, later on in my life. I am often riddled with self disgust and guilt and self-judgement..I am working on getting rid of these feelings..but they come when I am tired and out of sorts myself. But maybe this is true of many people actually?? I don´t really know.

You know, Princess..I thought I was healed from this..but I see now that alot of what I have been feeling stems from this "soul murder". I suppose that even some of the problems that I had in my marriage come from this time..my poor x-hubby!

And then I want to forgive..be free of it all..and just go on. But it rears its ugly head more often than I have understood. Should I think that my mother knew no better? After all, she was mothering me in the 50´s and 60´s..and then incest was NEVER talked about. My mother did her best..in her own way..is that it?

Chattylady..I am going to sound like a total jerk here..but I LOVE your spirit..and your clear thinking..and your sense of humor. I am serious. Please just tell me..I am a psychologist by education and thought, I guess..so I just wonder..we read in so many different forms that we must be able to forgive to be FREE, etc etc. What do you think about that concept??? I am serious here. I can SOOO identify with what you are saying..and yet, I am stopped by all this that I read..about forgiving and loving, etc etc. I don´t think I´d expect anyone to love me if I had abused anyone sexually..now that I think of it..

You seem to be free of so much junk that I am carrying along the way all the time..thought junk or whatever..so tell me..what´s your secret???

HUUUUGS!!!

Humlan, no matter what your thoughts or where they lead you, no matter what kind of a day you have, no matter ANYTHING; please know you are loved!

Wow, Humlan, you are growing right on this forum! The fact that talking about this and having insights is liberating for you means that you are on the path to the freedome you are talking about. I thought I was unlovable, but I did not relate that to the sexual abuse. I thought I was abused because I was already unlovable. There are affirmations in my book that may be helpful to you for when the guilt and shame rear their heads. And they do rear their heads, especially when stressed. You certainly had an eventful week. You had a concussion? That is a bruise on the brain. Hmmm, a wound in your heart and a bruise on your brain. How is the concussion healing? By the way, forgiveness can mean different things to different people, and it can manifest in different ways. Hard to explain here. You realized that your father wanted to talk about it for his own sake. How selfish! But very common. Yes, sexual abuse (or any abuse) contaminates all of our other relationships. (in reference to your ex-husband) How could it NOT contaminate? I'm so glad my book will make it all the way to Sweden for you. You will read the similarities between us in regards to going to Catholic school, as well as mothers being "complicit" via their silence. More later, L, PL

I just want to add my two cents worth here. I am so shocked by the thought that so many of you wonderful ladies have had to live through sexual abuse. What a horrible statistic, Princess; 1 in every 4 women have lived through this? Just terrible.

I had one tiny incident in my life happen to me. I was only 9 or 10. My mother brought my brother and me to a lake on a summer day. A young man approached me, while I was up to my neck in water, and asked me if I am ticklish. I said no. He said let me try. And fumbled around where he shouldn’t have. I remember being struck like lightening. I couldn’t move I couldn’t scream mommy. Anyway I told him I’m not ticklish, and am going out of the water. This is what I don’t understand about myself. I didn’t go to my mother. Instead I went to the dressing room, and wanted to get out of my bathing suit and into my clothes. Suddenly the young man swung over the top of the dressing room wall into my tiny cabin. He then told me to undress. I think I peed, I was so scared, but I couldn’t scream help. In that moment, my mother’s panicked cry resounded throughout the cabin. The man jumped back over the wall. I answered my Mom, and she scolded me for not telling her where I was. To this day I never told her what happened. I can’t figure out why I didn’t ask for her help? Or why didn't I tell her?

So all I want to say through this message is; let your grandchildren know there are bad men out there. And tell them loud and clear that if anyone should ever touch them to scream their head off and go to Mommy. Maybe if they need help, then they will come to you or their mother for it.

My world was so pure and wholesome; I had no idea how to handle this situation. And although this was just a tiny incident, compared to the hell you ladies have gone through, it haunts me to this day.

Hello EW. I am really sorry this was done to you. In term of statistics, the 1 in 4 pertains to just those incidents that are reported to "authorities." The number is actually much higher, like 1 in 3. Trauma is trauma, and I understand what you are saying that yours might sound tiny in comparison to others, but trauma remains with us forever, like you said, it haunts you to this day. Do you think you remembered all that you had to remember? I think the shock of it renders us mute. Or it's like a dog being hurt that plays dead to protect himself. The dog shuts down. You shut down, mute with fear. Even those of us who did not grow up in pure and wholesome households don't know what to do. I mean, even after what we may have witnessed, when we are touched and we know it's wrong, we just do not know what to do next. Your instinct did tell you to protect your body with clothing. When we don't tell our mothers it is sometimes because we feel we are to blame in some way, and we don't want to be scolded, or we are afraid we won't be believed. Maybe just talking about it here will help it to haunt you less. I hope so. L, PL