Today we picked up Anaiya after she spent a week with her Mom in Switzerland. For those who don’t know, Anaiya is our 2 year old granddaughter who we are taking care of, all together for a year and a half. while her mother is training for the Olympics.

Although I may have appeared on the forum as more than a willing and ready grandmother to take care of precious Anaiya, I also had my doubts. My doubts as to what this will do to the baby. I love her more than I can say, but this isn’t about me. It’s about what is good for the child.

Anaiya spent an intensive week with her mother, living in one room, sleeping in one bed, their bonding was as strong as ever. When we picked her up, she was all smiles and happy, but then in the car, her little heart broke in two. “Mommy mommy”, she sobbed almost non stop for two hours. We couldn’t distract her or comfort her, she was a little bundle of grief that was so heartbreaking, I have to hold back tears while writing this.

While her mother lived in the States, I think Anaiya didn’t miss her Mom, and just accepted us as being her parents. Now the mother sweeps in over the weekends, loves and cuddles her daughter to pieces, and then suddenly disappears out of her life. This can’t be good. Anaiya isn’t a doll to just cast away.

I would love to tell my DIL, either you stop your sports and act like a responsible caring mother, or you stop visiting your daughter and breaking her heart every weekend.

What I’m afraid may happen is that my DIL will say, she’ll take her daughter with her to training camp. That means our sweet Anaiya will be pushed from one care taker to another while her Mom is travelling all around the world chasing that stupid ball. That is not good for Anaiya either.

What should I do? Not only does it upset me, but this is a huge trial for my son’s marriage. What father would be happy with such a situation? I don’t know of any. He hasn't been able to convince his wife to quit and just be there for the family, so I don't think my chances are good either.

I’m venting, and I’m asking for advice as to what I should do. Three different doctors have told us that Anaiya could carry strong psychological problems from being torn from her mother again and again. I have told my DIL this, but she doesn’t believe me. She thinks Anaiya is too young to realize what is happening.

Would you agree with me? How would you handle the situation?

Hannelore, I sense your strong concern through this post. While I don't have the answer, I do think you should do nothing for a couple days. I also think that when you choose to address this, it should be done without Anaiya's presence, and with your son, hubby and DIL all present. This way, it will not come across as you asking or telling them what to do. It will be a discussion about what is best for your granddaughter. You won't come across as preachy and pointing the finger, which is important for everyone involved.

Give Anaiya a great big hug from Aunt Dotsie. I give yourself one too!

Hannelore
I cared for a little boy from 10 months till 2 years.He was dropped off in the morning and collected after his Mother finished teaching.It was an informal arrangement.Some evenings it was me he cried for..
They moved to Harvard had another child.
I missed N..
They came back after the man finished his studies.
By that time he was school age.
I was part of his life..saw his first teeth his first steps.My two children gained from the relationship.
N. and I would make fishing rods...little woooden boats and launch them.
N. is now a doctor in Australia.Heis hobby is sailing and fly tying..
They take your nurturing and no one can ever remove that.
In your case being family it will be different.
When the parents in my case seperated N. was a young adult..he and I had deep conversations..he could not talk to anyone else.The bond is there.I played a little part in his life.. He will always be special.The trust he had..Boo hoo I have a tear.
You have had a golden time...I wish the little one the best.
Keep the golden ties.
MA

These are her most important years, her formative years, so the decision does matter.

If you feel you can give Anaiya a solid foundation, don't hesitate a minute to take it on. The rewards would be many.
What she is getting from her mom may be more of the weekend-X care, you know the parent who takes a child to Disneyland, doles out all the fun. In no way am I implying that your DIL does not love Anaiya in the fullest mommy capacity and is not treating her by way of that love. It's more to make a comparison between a disciplinarian and a fun-giver.

While focusing on the ball, Anaiya's mom may be juggling what comes first - child vs. Olympics. Pursuing the Olympics might bring big rewards which could be beneficial for the family in the long run. At the same time, it could break the family apart.

I can feel your frustration. If something like this were to happen in my family, I'd think of the grandchild before myself... and that would be so hard. I'd have to put myself in a position of being a parent again. I think I'd have the feeling of being used and feel I'd be repeating a job I'd already finished. That would be hard for me, really hard. When you love a little being so much, though, you have to put that consideration into place. It's not their fault things are as they are. They need an advocate for their wellbeing. You have wisdom that your DIL doesn't.

BTW, what does your son think of all this?

Dotsie has a good idea. Get all your thoughts on paper, give it a day, reread them, re-evaluate the situation, then have a family meeting.

I would be interested in knowing how your son feels. Where is he during this? Could he be with Anaiya and work? I'm asking because I am not sure I read about him in this although you may have already provided that info.

I have always felt that Anaiya belongs with her mother, but then again Hannelore, I've never been involved with the Olympic dream, have I? So how can I judge the DIL? I cannot.

I will say this, in my humble opinion, there is only one question that needs to be addressed and that question is:

What is best for Anaiya? Not the Mommy...not the Olympics...but Anaiya.

Obviously the parents need to make the final decisions concerning Anaiya's care during Olympic-chasing dream. No doubt Hannelore, you will express well and carefully what..a grandmother would. The question would be AFTER the Olypmics, would things be for Anaiya reunited with her parents? Ok, the Olympics are this Jul./Aug.? Then the discussion and problem-solving could be focused on a temporary situation vs. after the Olympics.


Where is your son in all this? Could he also look after the child solo or presumably he has a full-time job? Important that the child is with one of the parents -from a long-term perspective.

The Olympics do not happen often and one can only participate within a narrow window of a person's life,..ie. peak of their physical performance...so it's not surprising your DIL seems very driven and high focused.

My son is deeply disappointed in his wife. The conflict he is facing is the fact that he doesn’t want to have to tell his wife; … quit and come home. He wants it to come from her. And as long as it isn’t coming from her, he seems to withdraw from the situation and is extremely bitter about it. This is not the way he wants his family life to be. On
the other hand, he doesn’t want his wife to ever accuse him of ruining her Olympic dream, so he’s at a stalemate. He is also aware that if they split, then he will lose his daughter, and since he loves his child above everything else, he will stay in the marriage for her sake.

Oh brother. This is exhausting me. You are so right, JJ when you say the only question here is what is good for Anaiya.

And that I don’t know. Is it worse for her to see her mother, and cry for her afterwards…or would it be better if she didn’t see her mother till September? I don’t know. All I know is she seems happier when there aren’t so many good-byes.

Dotsie and Gims, I read your post too late. I had the talk with my DIL, and told her exactly how I feel. You know what the answer was? Anaiya is only two. Can you remember what happened to you when you were 2?
Oh please.

MA, giving up the golden time for Anaiya on my part is not the question. I only want the best for her, which is Anaiya being with her mother. But if the mother isn’t willing, then what?

At two so much has already been absorbed..its how they learn..does your DIL not realise this?
My heart goes out to your son and you two of course.
MA

Your son is wise, Hannelore. If she did come home to be a mother and wife, the effects of leaving her dream, could ultimately (most likely) affect Anaiya, anyway. DIL yearnings could bring something worse to your granddaughter's life... worse than your DIL not being a present mom.

I know I have no "real" input as I am not a mother, but from a daughter's point of view...and having LOST my mother at a young age (18 is young enough!) Anaiya's situation sounds very similar. Like a mommy "dying" over and over. It is very traumatic, I'd say, and will carry on for years. Her mother is playing "bouncy, bouncy" on her. She does not give a hoot about her rearing. And, how does SHE know it will not effect her? Did HER mother do the same EXACT thing to her? Has SHE walked in Anaiya's shoes??

She is a wife first, then a mother. The other things, Olympic stuff, really should be secondary, in my opinion. Your DIL is VERY selfish and wants it ALL. But when a child comes along, I hear the selfishness stops! (is that right, mothers?)

What does your husband think? Also, all the things I've read about when a situation arises regarding an in-law, allow your son to handle it. And, if he is not man enough (sorry to say that but it's how I see it) to be THE man in the household, the family unit will continue to suffer.

He married an equal rights kinda gal it seems. He'll have difficulty later on.

You never did say where your son is? Does he live near you? How often does he see this child??

In addition, I'd say if the mother wants to take her to camp, she Anaiya should go. Then she CAN do the mothering she thinks is best. If she goes from caregiver to caregiver, at least, maybe, your DIL can see her more often.