I'm wondering if any here have experiences with having had a step-parent and how life was as you were growing up.

Since my parents never divorced (only separated thru death), I really don't have an understanding of what it's like for kids to experience divorce and then, step-parents. Maybe you all can help me have a better view from the "other side" as a child of a step.

Hi DI...and thanks for the questions. This is long, but hoepfully, worth the read.
I've been a step-child since I was ten years of age. In the beginning the problem wasn't my step-mom as it was my dad. He was 36 when he married my step-mom...who was 17!!!! She was only 7 years older than me. Of course to a ten year old anyone 17 looks ancient so I didn't realize how young she was until later...and I know this isn't true in a lot of cases but in my dad's case...he was a pervert who liked young girls and so that's why he married Dot. She was an innocent and naive little thing from way back in the bottoms of NE Alabama. Poor farm people who were dazzled by my dad's city ways. To get to the step-parenting part Dot was just a child trying to deal with a perverted, controlling husband and raise two step-children...me 10 and my sister Debra, 6. It can't have been easy for her. I was so happy to have a mother figure that I embrased her and asked if I could call her Mother...must have freaked her out at that age.
Things were cool until Dot had her own children...then the favoritism came into play...suddenly we could do no right and her children could do no wrong. There were lots of struggles and unfairness and abuse.
This memory is the hardest time she and I had...but I guess it had to happen for it to never happen again. I was 11, 6th grade, and my Father, a radio announcer in Piedmont, AL, was having a Christmas party and mom had spent the day getting everything ready for his guests. Dad brought home sugar cubes in a box...it was the first time I'd ever seen them and asked if I could have one. I was met with the usual first response...'no'. I sulked off to my room. My sister and I weren't allowed to join in the party but I snuck back into the kitchen and stole two of the little sugar cubes. One I ate and the other I placed under my pillow to eat later. My sister Deb and I shared a double bed and before I could eat the 2nd sugar cube I dropped off to sleep. When I came home from school Dot was standing at the door, her arms crossed and looking very angry. I'd not yet remembered the sugar cube that I'd forgotten under my pillow. She asked me if there was something I needed to tell her. I wracked my brain trying to think what I may have done for which I was about to be killed for but for the life of me couldn't remember. She dropped one hand down to my face and opened her hand...there lay the sugar cube that I'd left under my pillow. I must have turned the color of crimson. She asked where it came from and I started lying..."Maybe Deb put it there." Of course she knew better. Then I really tried became desperate. "Your friend Tammy hates me and I bet she put it there to get me into trouble." (I was desperate at this point because I knew the switch was coming no matter what I said). Then she started yelling about me lying and hadn't they said I couldn't have the sugar cube and on and on and on. Then I had to go out and pick a switch off the tree and bring it back to her. It was never big enough for her and she came back with her own...I was so scared. She took me to my room and when she stopped I was on my bed crying, rubbing the sting on my legs where she'd hit me with the switch. Then she the "stop crying or I'll give really give you something to cry about" speech followed and I tried hard to hold in my pain and tears. As she walked out the door I said under my breath very softly "I hate you." Unfortunately, she wasn't out of ear shot yet and oh my goodness, was that the wrong thing for her to hear. She came back in and snatched me up and when she was finished with me I was cowering in the corner with bloody switch strips all over my legs, my back and my arms. I was told to stay there and when my dad got home I was getting more of the same. Well, I couldn't imagine anything being worse than I'd just gotten so I was scared to death and didn't move from the corner. Fortunately, when Dad did get home and saw the condition I was in they had it out and she never, ever did that to me again. I still got the switch from time to time but she never beat me that way again.
For the rest of my years with Dot they were hot and cold...she would not let me wear a training bra when the other girls in school got them...true, I didn't need one, but it was humiliating to be the only girl in gym who was bare chested...I used to hide in the closet in gym to change into my outfit. I had to beg to shave my legs...one time she thought I'd shaved my legs and almost tore into me again. I'd learned when I was 11 never to make her mad...I knew what she could do and I didn't want that to happen again. I was the last girl to wear makeup, too. For some reason she just did not want to give me permission to do anything that was normal during my teen years. And it made me look like a fool at school and didn't do a thing for my self-esteem. Now, Robin, her daughter, could do no wrong and got to do things without any resistence from her Mother. When Dot had an affair and left my dad I walked out of her life completely and never, ever communicated with her until I was in my 40's.
Having a step-Mom like Dot helped me be a better step-mom with my own step-kids. I've been on the bad side of a step-parent and I promised I'd never treat my step-children the way I've been treated and I never have.

On my step-Mom's death bed about 7 years ago she called me and asked me to come before it was too late. She asked me to forgive her for everything she'd ever done to me...we both cried and of course I forgave her. She was just a child herself when she became my step-mom....true, she didn't have to be the tyrant that she turnd out to be...and I don't understand why that happens...but, she died knowing I no longer held anything against her and in that moment I loved her. The relationship came full-circle...with me as a child hugging her neck asking if I could call her 'mommy' and years later me holding her hand as she took her last breath, telling her I loved her.

She lived a hard, sad life with my dad...and she's the one that I now feel sorry for having to go through what she went through.

Dee, after reading your story, a deep sadness overwhelmed me.
The goodness in your heart has enabled you to forgive your stepmother, and even make an excuse for her. You have such a good warm heart, and were treated that way, just for a sugar cube? My heart goes out to you, because you were abused in a horrible way.

The table has turned for you though. Thank God you have a wonderful loving husband, who can hopefully make up for the lack of tenderness and love you so needed as a child.

Allow me to be a mother to you for a moment,a fantasy moment, and hold you dearly in my arms. It's time for a group hug.

Hannelore...I'm having trouble typing for my tears...omgosh...you could not have said anything more touching than what you said about being a mom to me for a fantasy moment...I take it...and embrace it...and thank you...I feel your love from across the pond...you are such a special woman and I truly love you. But, don't worry...I'm really okay now and have been for quite some time...and yes, I'm extremely lucky to have Larry in my life. He's such a gift of love and I am blessed...it's like God saved the best for last. Between Larry and my angels on BWS...I'm the luckiest woman on the planet. HUGS ALL AROUND!!!!!

Now I'm welling up. Really...this pond is too big. But I'm still holding you.

I have to tell you there are times when I wish someone would adopt me..
MA

Oh my...no wonder why step-mothers have a bad "rap". How horrible for you to be a child and have to be ON GUARD in your young life. That poor "Dot"...she had no idea HOW to be, so she just did what was natural...be EVIL! Like they say, babies/children/we don't have to be taught to be BAD, they/we have to taught to be GOOD!

My own mother had an "evil" stepmother after her own mother died when Mom was 10. I wish she were around today to help me in that department. The sad thing is: I don't even know how to be a parent...but I know what wonderful parents are. I had them!

When I married DH, his kids were 24, 26. The 7 year old (now 19) I've never met yet. As I've mentioned here before, my observations have been that divorce is hard on many children. However, since I am in the "protective" mode regarding DH, I've spoken up on a couple of occasions to my step-daughter and apparently got her upset enough to cry. The only things I've been concerned about were that DH is always feeling slighted. Even though he has said time and time again to them..."if you have to choose which parent, don't worry about me. Choose your Mom". He's said this hoping that someday they'd "get it" and not WANT to hurt him. But that has not happened. They just don't SEE that he is hurt if not invited to something or another. And, yes I did get in trouble with DH about my "boldness". Now I do not say one WORD. I just shut up. This is why I really won't want to get attached to them OR their new babies. Why set myself up for disappointment again?

Just recently, he heard that she flew to see her Mom in another state while she was pg with #2...leaving #1 home with her husband. DH mentioned something about that like "she's never come HERE"...but I just wonder if he has asked her. I just don't know.

It's so hard, I think, to watch it all happen when you hear it from your husband. But then if he wants them to know, he's a big boy. Not long ago, I did overhear him mention to his oldest son (whom we have not seen in seven years) about seeing his kids. So glad he did! But what gives? Do I need to start wondering why they don't include their Dad so much..is there something "hidden" that I do not know? Or, is it just the "divorce thing" that has ruined this family???

Very, very sad to watch it all happen and you cannot do anything to help!!

Mountain Ash...I'll adopt you.

Hannelore...yes, the pond is too big but thank goodness for the internet. It's given so many women the opportunity to have someone in their life when there is no one else...I can still feel your arms, Hannelore...dear, sweet lady.

I fully understand cults...tapping into the yearnings of converts.In fact I have been told...that TA counselling somewhat did take people into the area of reparenting.It did not when I trained In fact I have a talent for guiding people without making them dependent..Many can have a following to meet their own need.
MA

Hi Di!
I have a step mother and have had one since I was 13. I really, really liked my step mom and still do! She was a lifesaver when my Mom got ill and she stepped in and was kind to my mother, they became friends and she helped me finish growing up. I had wished I had knew her before she was so helpful!
Of course, we matched! She was a pretty woman who had a career in Vegas when she was younger and had my colouring, dark hair, light skin. She was a bit like me as well when I was a teen, she like shopping for clothing and she enjoyed other things I enjoyed.

As a step parent she was "there," she was there when we needed a mother figure and even to help my mother when her health got the best of her. Most of all, I could talk to her.

She was one year older than my father so she was not a young step mother and strange that way. She had 5 children so some of them moved into our 9 bedroom home with an apartment on the side and filled it UP! It was a Brady Bunch experience. Food shopping was like stocking a grocery store!

Most of all, again, I thank Barbara for being there. To talk to, to listen to when I needed to learn, and to explain things that were mysteries to a 13, 14 year old girl. I saw her a stroke of luck.

My son loves his step father as well. He has three parents, his father, myself, and his step father whom he trusts on all points!

dancer