Eagleheart, yes..life is a tapestry..yes yes! And it´s time to take the decision I made to be with this man seriously and stop ridiculing myself to myself. Why should I do that? We have been thru quite alot..he and I. Both good and bad. And coming from this basis..where I stop questioning what I was thinking when we hooked up..will allow me to think forward. Where do I want to be and who do I want to be? Perhaps I should ask him the same questions about himself? And see how we tally..yes..I think so.

Eagleheart..computer game addiction..you have probably heard that term. It´s real. And the problem, for me, is above all, that it sucks in all his thoughts and plans...which most addiction does. Before he would say, "I have to think about what you said and get back to you"..not anymore. We have discussed just this many times. We have made new plans to do other things and curb computer time..but it doesn´t work. Our radio clock by the bed is always turned toward his computer when I come home from work. Meaning he has been on his computer. He doesn´t always do the housework that we agreed was his..and I see it as part of his computer time. He starts work later than I do and works later into the evening. 2 evenings a week he comes home after 11pm or 12pm. So he has computer time in the mornings and in the evenings as we are night people.

Humlun I just love your natural and sweet vulnerable way of describing your situation. You are so real to me, and first of all I just want to send you a big sisterly hug.

The first thing that came to mind when reading your post is how on earth do you do live a “normal” life with an 18 year old sleeping in your bedroom closet? Seems to me that all of you need some of your own space, but the space is not there. What if you moved to a larger apartment before you make such a drastic separation move? That may solve a couple of problems within its own. Then the computer thing: If your SO isn’t willing to cut it down for your sake then I would tell him either that or me. It’s his choice. You could suggest set times. Set an alarm clock, and when it rings, you both meet at the kitchen table for a glass of wine. Who knows, if he is addicted, he may be grateful to you that you are finally drawing a line, and telling him to get a life.

I haven’t read all the replies, so if I’m repeating someone else’s thoughts, then that’s why.

Thinking of you in Sweden, dear Humlun.

Anne327, I think, at present, that the underlining issue for me is the lack of sharing.

But I do hear you about keeping him at home and away from bars,etc. He loves being at home..as does my 18yr old. The latter can just sigh with relief when he comes in and say, "Ohhh how nice to be at home finally and totally chill". So, as a couple, we are doing something right. Creating an atmosphere of complete relaxation and acceptance is important to me!

Humlan
my adult daughter and I have a pact..never decide anything important on a Friday night.Add to that January.she and I have shared values.
When we air our concerns its like letting the birds out of a cage.Thoughts flutter.Be calm and the worries can be handles.
The grief of your Susan will always colour your life..but I hear a strong woman when you advise others.Passionate too.
R. has settled into a comfort zone..he does need to recapture some romance.Think about it anothermaole in the house..wonder is he isnt being argumentive..Your son needs space..being the wise woman you are you want to give hime this.Are you worried if he doesn't have space he will find it elsewhere.This feeling is the empty nest and it hurts.
When we were in fertile years we had hormones to blame.The ebb and flow forms such a big part of our identity.
Your job requires energy and insight..you are being recognised(your rise and the whiskey!!)
Can you explain to R. that you are feeling low...and even if he wont go to a film..light the candles and watch a whole movie..
you say his sons mother is restricted so he R. will have little experience of a strong woman who is as developed spiritually as you are.
Personally I realise that my husband understands me better than anyone BUT only because of having listened to me huffing and puffing on my high horse.
Allow R. to evolve.If he can understand children he can transpose their development into the adult domain.
Rest your weary thoughts Humlan...I care.
MA

Hannelore..yes, and he doesn`t complain at all, my SO that is, not ever about my 18yr old lurking behind our wall! I must the world´s greatest b.... to be b....ing!

The next step is not to swarm down on R. when he comes home late this evening with all the suggestions that I have received here on this thread. He is working until 11pm. He has a headache and I have a stomach ache due to our "discussion" this morning..we do some of it by messaging on our phones.

How did you know that we would meet in the kitchen for our glass of wine..if we do it????? Because we surely would meet just there. But not at the table..there is no table. My 18yr old has his computer set up in the kitchen. Ours are in our bedroom. And yes, my SO has mentioned that he sometimes feels like so much time has gone by and that he has somehow missed when he plays his computer game.

I have alot to think about and discuss with my SO (R.). Essentially, I suppose we shall have to consider getting a bigger place (money??)..but this would give us something to work for, plan for and dream for. Maybe we are ready for it now..hmmm. We LOVE this apartment and the area we live in..but we are outgrowing it. I can see that now. I was immediately looking for a place beside the couch, by the big window..for his son to sleep in. But that won´t work. I mean his kid is 12 already..how long will it take before he will want his space too???

Ok..and the sharing and caring and considering of eachother´s thoughts and feelings..that´s very very important..but one may facilitate the other. I can see that...

Hannelore...one big sisterly HUG back to you!!!

Humlan
dont feel bombarded with all that has been said.
Same as when counselling the faciliator allows ideas and breakthrough to evolve...perhaps a walk tomorrow...?

Thinking of you not so far away..
MA

Hannelore..just a quick PS..my son plays the guitar too. In the kitchen. He just found/discovered a really heavy riff (he makes his own music too)..something like "I heard it thru the grapevine"..only much heavier, 2008 style. I love it!!!!

Who am I kidding..who else could live with me and my 18yr old in this crazy cramped household? Certainly not a man of my age?....Add to that that I have IBS..the runny kind..so when it rears it´s ugly head..I have to RUN to the bathroom. And we only have the one!!!

Are we still on sisterly hugs??? If so.. One real big one for you again!

Humlun are you sure you are 60? I think you are the youngest 60 year old I've ever encountered. Maybe your SO is too old for you? I totally agree, just looking for a new place will keep you two busy and renew some bonding.
I'll keep my fingers crossed that you will find an apartment with two baths, at least two bedrooms and all for the same price. You might have to move out a little in the outskirts...but it is worth it. We moved out of the city limits, because we decided a home that meets our needs is more important than location, and have no regrets.

I just saw this thread and read it through. Wow.
The needing more space issue is what it is, it needs to be addressed for two growing boys.
The relationship? I do agree with the comment that if the game is where he has a relationship, it may be time to get some space from him. He may have a decision to make regarding addiction and his life.

Humlan,
You need to "feel," this one with your heart and give your heart time to be clear. However you connect with your heart, it knows what is right. It's really not a matter of what we think about your love for him, it's what you feel. I have read a LOT of "thinking" but you, and only you, can feel this one through.
Take your time and follow your heart.
I am an Italian artist. Say no more there, right? I would tell you what I am telling you. We love, or should, from our heart, and our heart only loves when it is loved back or we are not loving, we are yearning. So ~ whenever you get in touch with your heart, your deep feelings and if you feel loved, and loving, you know what to do. Yearning is not love and is no life for anyone. If we are yearning, we are not in reality, we are in fantasy.

What does your heart say? Find it and let it answer. You have nothing but time, really

Dancer9