Hi guys..I just got home from work..Friday afternoon here..it was total caos with the kids and in the midst of this,I had to help my colleague break open her locker by force..after having helped search for her keys everywhere in our 9 departmental pre school. YES! I am tired..and I have waited to write you and ask you my question here for quite a long time..maybe because I am afraid of your straight answers? But I want your honest thoughts now. I have reached a cross road in my relationship..and I am ready for what you have to say.

I live with my SO who is 35yrs old and I am 60. We have lived together since June,2001. We worked together and "dated" since the fall of 2000. I dont think age is the issue here..he is from the North of Sweden..a quiet type..comes from a relatively secure background in the country. They hunt moose and fish there during their free time and the women talk recipes, etc. I am a city girl first from the Czech Rep.,then raised in the US (my last home there was near Cambridge,Mass...the Boston area). I moved to Sweden when I was 21 and married to my husband with whom I had 5 children. And we divorced in 2000. I have 4 grandchildren between the ages of 10 to 2. My chidlhood family and background is academic mainly. I am not the quiet type..I enjoy good discussions and people around me..to a certain extent. I do like my space and quiet too..need it, almost daily at this point.

My SO,R. as I will call him here, has gotten into computer games in a big way. He plays World of Warcraft and is almost addicted to it. I feel that it takes the energy from our relationship. I feel that his life circulates around this game..his time and above all, his thoughts. We used to have lively discussions about things as he has alot of general knowledge that I don´t have. But that only occurs now when we go to a cafe or somewhere. Our life together has lost its content..its gusto. I know this to be a problem for couples in his age group..so as simple as it sounds..it is a real problem. We have talked and talked about our need to relate more often..but it kinda doesn´t happen. Of course, to a great extent, I enjoy the space I get in this way..but there is too much space now. We are not working sexually either..which we did well before. And I still have a need for real sex. Some of the problem with sex is also generated by the fact that my 18 yr old son lives with us and it´s not easy to find the opportunity. R. has had one relationship with a woman that has real problems and is perhaps alittle mentally needy. He has one son from this relationship who is 12yrs old now and visits with us everyother week-end and stays for about 1 month during the summer.

Now the crossroads as I see them is that we live in a one bedroom apartment with a big walk in closet. In this closet,my youngest son,18yrs, old has his sleeping area. His computer is set up in the kitchen When R.s son comes to visit, he sleeps above my son in this closet space. Believe it or not, it has worked well until now. Because the other day, my son siad that he needs some sleeping space of his own as he wants to bring girls home. This he has done in the past, but now everyone is older. The girls coming home is a normal thing here in Sweden. And since my relationship is the way it is..it seems maybe this is the time to take action..and split up. My son and I would have more room, if nothing else. Of course..my thoughts are not all this simple..it´s difficult to get everything down on a post without writing a book..which I am doing all ready.

And I am considering what many of you say..the grass is not greener on the otherside. Or, it´s ok to live alone and some of you prefer it. But it´s tough to be on your own and get old? My economic situation would probably be unsteady for awhile..but I think I could manage in the end.

Don´t get me wrong..he ia a good man..very gentle and kind..lots of understanding for the weaknesses and differences that make up mankind. I love this about him. And this part of him is VERY VERY important to me.

I feel a bit silly writing about my problem..a computer game problem..or so I see it..but I DO need help. It´s kind of an accomplishment for me to write so openly about where I am right now on this forum.

Anything..anything at all that you ladies can/want to write will be most appreciated. Thanks! I took a deep breath here, ladies! I actually wrote this and got it done. And now I am going to push the send button!!! Boy do I need some wine after this!!!

To be reared in North Sweden and live quietly must have formed your R in his important years.In rural Scotland things were much the same a generation ago.Reading biographies and testimonies until ww2 things were slow and easy here.My Aunts lives were so different from mine and perhaps the way I live is quiet compared to some on the forum

Is it out of the question to move...?Have enough space to spread yourselves.Enjoying home life and having a goal for R.Even a new start somewhere.
I am your age and my goals have changed..for me harmony and love and comfort head my needs. I like my home to be clean inviting and my cupboards with enough.I came to this conclusion and surprised myself.
Please keep sharing and realise that the women here are kind and knowledgable .
I was thinking about you today knowing you are opening a long held wound and at times like this we are vulnerable.
Love MA

Humlan, I don't have any wisdom to share yet, but just wanted you to know that I'm listening, caring and "with you" in heart, prayer and spirit...and with love and understanding of what courage it took for you to write.

Eagleheart, thank you. I mean that. I feel like a silly teenager in an old lady´s clothing. Yet I am not..which I think you can see. I am serious about my relationship, as we both are, and its been very difficult to share. I am so afraid of being dismissed and laughed at. My life´s decisions have been taken with much thought..well, most of them...but I am stumped now. Really stumped. Thank you for "thinking" and replying..I hope that you can post when you can and will do so. I am still shaking my head and feeling like a fool. Such a fool..but at the time we both thought..why should we give up something so beautiful and that gives us so much..just because it´s not the "normal" thing to do?

Anyhooo...

Humlan, I just read this and like many, I usually need some time to ponder a big decision. I liked that Mountain Ash wondered if a move would be good for both of you...to another, possibly larger living area. Has this been discussed with R? Sometimes that brings freshness and change in a good way and the space would be welcomed. If there are other things going on inside you about the relationship then those things need to be thought through in time. Would you be more content alone at this point? A lot to think about and I'll be back to check in. Just know I'm with you all the way!

Humlan, I can feel your deep, deep pain with this issue. I wish I had easy answers, but I don't...

I'm sending lots of hugs and courage your way to sort through all of this in a way that honors yourself, R, and your relationship. Somehow, I believe, you will find a way...

Mountain Ash, I had to get up and walk around after reading your post..and my first thought was,Bless you, woman! There has been this little tiny voice today whispering to me: wait awhile..wait until the summer comes. Because this time of year is tough..the toughest for me, as you know. And yesterday I met some angels on this forum...

Your idea of seriously looking for a bigger place and therefore giving us both a goal to work for..is, well, worth considering. We live in a lovely area that we both love. Our veranda has sun from morning until..well, until the sun sets..which is quite late here in Sweden during the summer..maybe like 11 or 12pm. And then comes the lovely dusk that continues until the sun swirls upwards again...and because we are in a place filled with villas and gardens..the perfume of the evening is undescribable. It is also a safe place for R.s 12yr old son to play because the housing area is closed off to cars. So, with the cell phone age, R.s son can play outdoors as long and as freely as he wants. Yes, many pluses for this area. An apartment, by the way, that my daughter sold to me when she broke up with the father of her first 2 children...because she knew that I would love it..a big sunbathed veranda..her mom, me, being a sun worshipper. That´s not too dangerous here because we get so little sun..even in the summer it can be scarce. ANYWAY..it may be time to move on. Thank you, Mountain Ash..unless some larger apartment opens up here in the spring.

R. himself is not to eager to make a new start as he has a job that he really enjoys. He also works with children..with very priviledged kids..but above all,he has quite a few male colleagues which is unusual in our branch of work. However, a move within the larger Stockholm area is ok for him..eventho he loves our current area as much as I do. Hmmm..have to have a think here again.

Thank you! And thank you for taking me seriously.

Yes, Mountain Ash..our backgrounds are very different. R. has a natural security and positive outlook and patience..that I don´t have. He is satisfied by very little. He once cautioned me that I might be "bored" by him..I remember that now. And maybe I would have been even more"bored" at a younger age..but today, I am not as energetic or strong..and I do like my peace and quiet. I think what I miss is the "sharing" because I feel that we are living parallel lives. But maybe the question is..what do I want to contribute to our life myself??? Hmmm..but that´s not totally true either. I want to take walks sometimes..which he doesn´t always enjoy..but sometimes he does, too. I want to watch a film with him..perhaps a "chick flick" or a new Anthony Hopkins film..but he chooses to play his computer game. And so it goes round and round in my poor head...

Sounds like the computer game has become an addiction, so you're not just wrestling with changes in the relationship, you're wrestling with a third party in the relationship - addictions do become third parties - and can be deal-breakers. He may have to be the one that makes a choice between his wife and his mistress (the computer game)...and if he can't make that choice, that will be an important factor in your decision.