You Bet, Jaw Jaw, because now it's on a public forum, she can't go with the contract, shooooooooooooot.
dancer9

Thanks for your input. My husband is really, really a good man. He's a homebody. And most of the time he's easy to live with. But he has that habit of blaming me for every thing that goes wrong. I'm NOT sure it's premeditated. The guy talks very little. He's a brain, a geologist by trade, but retired now. We take RV trips a couple of times a year. We've been married, going on 27 years. But there's that 1 thing that bugs the heck out of me. And it's not that I'm unhappy, for the most part. He doesn't physically abuse me; or cheat; or hang out at the bars. He's conservative, frugal, gentlemanly. And I probably overreact, some. But you know how it goes; that gender thing can get under a gal's skin sometimes. Thanks for the advice, ladies.

Divine Ms. M...
I took time to read your remarks. You're 1 funny chick.
I love it! Good idea. Walk out! I do that sometimes. But not for weeks, only hours. Luv ya...

Bonnierose,
I learned a few things in my miles of therapy. One was how men think! You said that your husband has the habit of blaming you for things that go on. I had a husband like that and it drove me nuts so I took it to my shrink!

He told me that men are raised not to take the blame. He explained to me things like sports. Take team sports. If a boy strikes out and looses the game, the first thing his father tells him is that he didn't loose the game for the team. He tells him that if little Johnny, (for example,) had not struck out in the inning before, then his strike out would not have lost the game! He may tell him that the umpire was calling strikes when they were balls. He will be told anything but, "yes your strike out lost the game for your team!" They LEARN that nothing is their fault this way, you see?

In other areas they are then not to blame in their minds. If they get a D on a paper, they say the teacher is hard to understand and their father will most likely not tell them "you are not trying and you need a tutor," he will probably tell him that that may be so but he needs to try to pick up the grade anyway! If a boy beats them up, their parents tell him that he's tough and the boy got the best of him because he didn't see it coming! He NEVER is told "you are a whimp, and you lost the fight because he is a better fighter than you!"
We, as women are told that we are to blame. If we get in a fight with little susie, we are asked, "what did you do to make her mad?" "You should make up with Susie," or "You know that fighting is not for little girls, you go make up with Susie and say you are sorry!" If we are learning to cook, and the cookies burn, we are told we blew it! We are told that we did not check the cookies enough, or that we set the oven too high, or anything that makes it our fault. But we are not told, like a little boy would be told, "the oven does not work very well, it's not your fault!" You see? A boy is trained that he is a "winner," no matter what to give him confidence, they THINK will help him in the competitive world of little grown up boys. WE are schooled that we must MAKE little Johnny feel better because we have to be "kind," "understanding," and to "care," for our baby dolls!

It is society that sets men up to blaming anyone but themselves for their failures or faults! The hold someone else responsible for their feelings but we take the blame for our feelings!

They say, "Well, you made me feel like a loser so I lost it!"

We say, "I feel like a loser!" "Am I a loser?"

It's all backwards and it's all ingrained. All we can do is try to reverse it by behavior. We have to stop taking the blame and put it squarely where it belongs! We have to stop taking responsibility for other people's feelings! We do not MAKE anyone feel any certain way! We are NOT responsible for how they feel at all! We don't have to make them feel better anymore than we do our little "dolls," when we were little girls!

it's a bad time, huh?

I thought I'd share that and tell you what I learned. I hope it helps!

One more thing: Johnny is taught to STEAL second base,...what does THAT really teach Johnny?

dancer9

Wow, Lady Jane!
You are a sweetheart to your husband! How nice you are to him! That's great to hear!
dancer9

dancer, I know you were talking to bonnierose but may I say that you also spoke to me! I, too, had seen a lot of this in ministry also and in study. Sometimes even though we've learned something, we still may live with it (not sure that makes sense to you but it somehow makes sense to me!) In analyzing my husband....and God knows I analyze everything under the sun, he had a military father, absent most of the time. He had a brutal mentally ill German mother. His father would often leave just to get away from her and yet leave his children to be abused. How sad. His dad also had one affair after another. Wow, what role model! Yet when his dad died a few years back it was my husband who sat alone holding his hand in the hospital. He reveres his father. Then he got into a long, cruel marriage with a cold woman. This woman has literally turned both of his daughters against him. He's been in so much pain that I have to admit I do try to soothe him in any way I can. He was raised also to be a man, not take blame, do what you want, don't let ANYONE push you around, etc. He can be fearless and he can also be so childlike. Yes, I'm guilty of doing a little mothering, too but not so much as just trying to reassure him. Sometimes it's exhausting, I'll admit. Anyway, thanks for your words to bonnierose...it was a very timely reminder.

Lady Jane,
On the other side of things, if your husband was horribly abused and he now has you to hang on to, well that's grand! Maybe in your healing of him, you can help him understand that it's okay to wrong sometimes.
dancer

LJ, how can anyone judge you and say it's "sick?" As one person heals in this world, the healing has ripple effects. You are an instrument for healing. And joy.

Dancer, thanks for the advice on contracts!
And Jawjaw, does adding arsenic involve cooking skills? Okay, SCRATCH THAT question, I think I asked the wrong person...

I don't do blame. I barely have time to update my 4,000 websites.

I'm Ms. Take-No-Prisoners, and I married a martyr who, when he's not blaming me for something, thinks the entire planet and all alternate universes are out to get him. zzzzzzz Talk about a ball-and-chain... Although he's dropped some of the martyr act ever since I made a song about it, which I launch into every time. I think he still thinks he's a martyr, but he's afraid to mention it to me because I'll start singing that dam* song again.

I almost? tossed some oleander leaves into the salad of my first so-called husband. Well, I was new to Arizona, from the evergreens of PA. How was I supposed to know they were poisonous? Talk about a rabid man, I mean beast.