I was very sad when my sister with MS and severe dementa died, not for myself in anyway, but for her. I watched her slowly disappear into just an empty shell, nothing more, and I remember how much she loved her husband and her life, and her infectious always peresent laughter.

Kate I believe people grieve in their own way in their own time...

You are right, every one grieves in their own way, my Mom included. She was very lonely while married to my Dad as he lost interest in her a long time ago. They have not been "a couple" since they were in their early 40's. Both of them have told me this at different times.

I can't understand why they stayed together. I am trying to understand my Mom better but have a lot of anger towards her.

I know my Dad was distant to her but she nagged him constantly and pushed him away when I know that is not what she wanted. She did the same thing to me. Always criticizing, bringing up the past etc. etc.

I have the patience of Job, incredible compassion for everyone I come across, except my Mom. Every thing she says or does grates on my nerves. She constantly judges everyone.
"look at what she is wearing, I wouldn't wear that to a garage sale, her hair is terrible, it goes on and on.
But at the same time she tells me constantly how everyone stops her when she is out shopping telling her how wonderful she looks. They can't believe that she is 80, where does she get her beautiful clothes from. Believe me, she tells me this everyday. And she would do this with my Dad too and we would roll our eyes all the while bitting our tongues off.

I know she is really insecure. I just wish I didn't let her get to me so much.

A long time ago I was a nurses aide in a ward for people who were confused. One nice old English lady (used to be a teacher) would come to the nurses station every 15 minutes asking where her room was. This never bothered me. But when my Mom tells me stuff over and over it drives me crazy.

It's mainly because she is so bitter and judgemental and makes comments about other people all the time. I can't stand that. I love her because she is my Mom, but I don't like her. Does this make sense?

I have some work to do.
Kate

Unfotunately is does, big time...

Kate, is it possible your mom forgets who she tells what? My mom used to repeat herself and when I said, "Mom, you already told me that," she'd say, "Oh I can't recall who I told what." Now the crazy thing is that I can't recall which child I've told what, and my kids will say, "Mom, you already told me that."

One thing that might help you understand your mom is if you consider how she was raised. Do you think her mom was critical? It could be all she learned. Sad, I know. But I'm grateful you're aware of her personality traits and have recognized you don't want to repeat the behaviour. Maybe it's because your dad had more influence on you so you are more like him...

My own mother as alert as she always seems to be called me the other day all upset because she had called my old number and of course got a disconnect. She called my
cousin who gave her the new number saying he'd had it for almost a year now. Well mother told me a thing or two. I said, "Mom you're the first person I called and you even said you were writing it down." I always call her so it doesn't add up her phone bill. To this day she says, I never gave her the number, go figure!! Maybe at her age I'll do the same thing if I make it to her age...