Gimster,
I'm so sorry for the "trap," you are in as far as caring for your mother. I understand it all too well! I could also take my mother's trust fund and care for her myself but I just can't take all that responsibility or the memories of my broken childhood!
It's hard, I know, to think that you MIGHT be able to do something but remember: You are a great daughter and you are doing the very BEST you can do! You needn't EVER feel guilty that you cannot do more.
We do our best by our parents. Sometimes situation become hard and harder still to watch happen. We have to be strong and deal with only what we can.
You are a good woman, your posts tell that!
I wish you the very best and hope your mother does as
well as she can facing what she is, I'm sure everyone will do what they can,
Warm regards,
dancer - nine

Gimster, I am really sorry for what you are going through. I am touched that you say you can still communicate with your mother, although she can't speak. I can only imagine that you miss her saying your name aloud. Your dad is trying his best to live his best while he can.

dancer, I can only say I'm not doing enough... thank you for thinking otherwise, but if I were, I'd put all other considerations aside and do what my heart keeps prodding me to do... And you labeled it so well - "TRAP" is a very good name for it... my mom is trapped and so am I (and a couple other siblings that want things to change NOW) In one of her rare moments of speaking clearly (when she's not anxious, afraid, full of despair or heavily medicated), she said quietly, sadly and so sweetly today, "I just want to go home." My heart fell to the floor. I cry as I type this. It all feels so hopeless.

Princess, believe it or not, I have never been one of her special children, and she and my dad both have held favorites. But, you know, she remembers my name more than any other. She even calls other sisters by my name. It's really bizarre, and I don't know what to think of it. Why, out of over a half century of not feeling loved by this woman would this happen? It makes no sense. But, who in this world gave me the idea that anything was suppose to make sense?

oh gimster,I'm so sorry your heart hurts as you say! You ARE doing everything you can! It would not do for you to make yourself unstable to help her! What would she want? She would want her child safe and stable and "ok." Every mother wants her child to be so and I'm sure you were not her "less loved child!" Sometimes we give attention to the children who need it the most and forget to notice the child that can do things on their own! That does not mean we don't love them, although they feel we are not interested. It means we know they will be alright! This could be the case when you were young!
It hurts, yes, but again, it's not your fault! You are doing what you can and somehow, your mother knows your love is there, I can tell by how pure it feels when you write it! I'm sure she can feel it too.

Warmest regards Gimster,
dancer9

Gim, I do understand this: because we cannot FEEL the love from others does not mean we are not loved. I went through this in marriage counseling. I was the one feeling unloveable, when in fact my h loved me very much. It was me being closed, and I had to learn to open up to RECEIVE love. I think we will learn what makes sense as we evolve. Or when we die. I don't know. Just when I think I have something figured out, a new element is introduced!

gimster, all this caretaking that we boomers are experiencing can often be mind boggling. Try to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Maybe - read uplifting books, listen to music you love, take warm baths, walk, pray, and seek God's will for your relationship with your mom.

I am kicking myself for not praying more and reading the Bible more with my mom when she was still with us and becoming more and more sick. Perhaps this is something you could do with your mom because I recall from other posts that she may be open to this. Reading God's word to the sick has tremendous healing factors for both people involved. I hope you don't mind my sharing this. Just trying to help.

I had the same lesson, Princess! When I was young, I actually had boyfriends ask me, "Why don't you come to me and lean on me when you have problems??" It was amazing to them that I dealt and didn't even involve them! I was so used to being on my own, as you, no doubt were, that it never occured to me!

I retrained myself to go to the person(s) who loved me and cared for me for help or an ear to listen or even advice if I needed it! It was a huge hole in my life not having anyone there for me when I didn't let anyone be there. I didn't know how! I still remind myself that I can reach out if I need to!

I'm happy for you that you learned this! I suspect you are a bit better at it than me... I am SO independent that it is a fault!

dancer9

I've been avoiding this thread... reading, but avoiding input... (hugs to those who've shared and cared, but I'm trying to keep my mind in good places for the sake of my children and their families tomorrow). I'll jump back in after the holidays and keep it at THANKS and MERRY CHRISTMAS for now.

Great idea gimster. Way to look out for yourself! Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones.

D9, no better, no worse. We all have different abilities to cope, and we all have different stages in terms of giving and receiving love. TRUST was (is) the major defining characteristic of many friendships. I trusted the wrong people, and did not trust those who were genuine in their LOVE for me. My definitions of love were all mixed up in the muck and mire of dysfunction. Dotsie, I must input that one of my most cherised moments with my mother was when she was in the hospital in April/May over Easter and Mother's Day. I would lay on her hospital bed with her, and read all her cards to her, and point out the messages, and discuss them with her, and who sent what, and many were spiritual in nature, which soothed her worried mind and soul for a while. That was the good moment. Then, she'd turn on a dime, ask me who the H*** I was, what was I doing in her room, and saying to me, "I think you better leave." I knew it was the disease.