Oh Dotsie, that is so true about the compliment: she knew she could be her true self in your presence. That is a gift you have that extends to us: you have the ability to nurture the authentic selves of others. Rejoice in what you could do with her instead of the regret for one tense time. L, PL

Dotsie, none of us are saints. I don’t think there is a care giver alive who hasn’t lost it, and maybe those, who seemingly are so much in control, are the ones who accidentally, … on purpose gave that “final”dose of medicine.

Dotsie,
You are such a dear woman.
You nursed and were with your mother until she died. You are so very rare because most people cannot or will not, take time out of their lives to do what you did! The love and time you put into your mother when she was ill is very, very special for a person to do.
One small slip of your temper is so mild an occasion that it does not merit your thought about it!
You show yourself as a person and a woman who works so very hard to do the right thing and there is no doubt that you with your mother at the end, did the right thing. You must credit yourself.

I admire your strength. Others should as well. You were THERE which is remarkable but you were there with your HEART, which is very remarkable.

People are so cut off from their parents and family now that they hardly give a thought to being there when a parent is very ill! They now give the proirity to their work and their own families and hardly get on a plane in the end! I know, I am a social woman, a very social one.

Lovely Dotsie, An argument with your mother shows you both care enough to argue! Arguing happens when people care, apathy is when people don't bother to argue and do what they want without caring what the other feels!

This is just my opinion of your very personal experience. I wanted to put my two cents in which I cannot help at times, as you've seen.

I think you did perfectly, and I think that you are a person who needs to give herself a large pat on the back and a long, long "break," from trying to be better and better when you can't improve on perfection.

You are perfectly Dotsie, and that is great.

Dancer9, steppin' in.

Ladies, thanks for the comments. It was a very tense time. All of us were scared because none of my siblings or I had ever cared for and watched someone die like we did with Mom. She literally withered away befor eour very eyes.

Dancer, can you plese explain what you mean by the health care being forced on your mom? Isn't that a good thing?

Dotsie, my mother has become very ill. She is looking scary as far as her health. She needs some treatment but she is refusing it. She must be literally "arrested," and put in the hosptial to recieve health care. Her caretaker and her doctor will appear in court along with her fiduciary and tell them that my mother is taking her life with her decision to refuse treatment and the judge will order that she is to be treated without her permission.
I go through this now and again and it is a terribly sad thing to watch my mother loose her freedom and be forced to do anything! I know it must be done but it is hard to see the law needing to be used to force the poor thing to live. She is delicate, like myself, she is small boned and tall and she looks so very helpless that it is very hard to see happen. My mother has never yelled that I can remember, in my life. I also don't yell. She is a very calm and sweet person when she is okay and the worst she gets when angry is sarcastic, same as myself, you see?: It's just a hard thing for me to watch and to think about. I want her well and to live but I hate to see her forced like a criminal into things, I just want her to take medication and regain her sanity.
You cannot force anyone to be medicated, you can only force life saving medical care, you see.

dancer

Sure, Anne, use it all you like. I was just thinking out loud.
dancer

I told a colleague that I had flown from to/from AZ/ CO to help care for my mother, and help my step-dad care for her as well. Plus I had gone to PA to help care for my 101 year old grandmother, to prevent her from having to go to a nursing home. Plus the homework I am doing, such as researching group homes for Mom, and being in contact with Mom's doctors, and getting a hospice for her. My friend said that when her parents were dying of cancer, she backed off and buried herself in her work. From what she said, I don't think it was the physical labor she did not want to encounter (ie flying about the country) but the emotional labor. Basically, she couldn't be bothered with dealing with feelings. It is true that it is very emotionally draining, whether or not you are caring for a sane or not sane parent. I think one of the reasons why we are here on this planet is to experience the range of emotions, whether we like them (the feelings) or not, they are what make us human. And we are always with the people we are supposed to be with, for some reason, even those who abuse us, or those we abuse. We are not meant to abuse, ever, but that is the free will we are given. Anyway, my tangent boils down to the fact that we must be courageous enough to enter the emotional realm, unless, of course, the emotions are unmanageable and become dangerous to ourselves or others. Dancer, I know many people who have bi-polar, for example. I know people who have been jailed when not on meds, because there was no where else to "put" them! Sometimes I just don't know about our mental health care system. L, PL

In Arizona, there is a HUGE demand for home health care, caretakers, home helpers and the like! We must be the retirement capital of the country because there is an endless demand for these services! My own mother requires a caregiver but this woman has no formal training, just years on the job and good references. The woman that lives with my mother manages many homes for those who require assisted living and employs people to live there and take care of the residents.

She will buy a large home, put some of these people who can't live alone in a bedroom for a fee, and have another live-in caretaker run the home. She is on call for emergencies. I think she has SOME medical education from long ago but nothing like a degree. She works with the mentally disabled most exclusively but makes quite a bit of money doing it.

I was a bit taken aback when she told me that she was semi-retired and took "my two favorites," to live in her home with her. That was my mother and another woman. So, in a large home, there is my mother with a room and another woman whose mother is still alive and comes to visit often. Sometimes I think she "took," my mother with her into her own home because my mother rarely complains and has a good trust fund to tap. It's good that my mom has a fiduciary to watch her funds!

But, that is off the topic a bit. Home health is a booming feild in Arizona!

dancer9

Dancer, that is not off the topic. I don't even trust fiduciaries! And, as a real estate broker, I have a fiduciary relationship with my clients, especially when handling their earnest money. My uncle is the fiduciary for my 101 year old grandmother (her son) and I certainly don't trust him. As for group homes, that is not off the topic either. My mother will most likely go to a group home. I would worry most about is of course elder abuse. And how the caretaker deals with incontinence of the patient, as my mother is very modest and easily embarrassed. Anne, would you believe I love to paint houses too? Only inside, though. And now I can't do much unless a massage therapist is handy. The seniors in AZ need house painters too. As for caretakers, yes, AZ is the place to be. You can get certified as a PCA, personal care attendant.

Anne,
In many cases, being a caretaker does not require any special classes and you can be trained on the job. For example, the woman who caretakes my mother has many homes and she trains her staff while an RN comes in a few times a month or more if she is needed and checks on the health of the people. There are many situations like this.

There is also a certificate one can get from taking a class for a certain length of time that certifies them for more responsibility for caring for those like my Mom. My own mother requires no care, really. She cooks her own food, can take care of herself completley and only needs rides to the stores she goes to and just watched to see if she is worsening mentally or if she is sick in any way. If she is ill the caretaker calls a doctor and makes an appointment for my mother. If she needs money the caretaker calls my mother's fiduciary and discusses the need for it. For this she is paid monthly. She does this for two women in her home, (the other woman is also fairly independent, ) and she collects money for her. Her other homes have more women or men living in them but she has employees that do the job in those homes for her and she checks in with them every day. It is quite lucrative for her. My mother does not yell or swear and does not give anyone any trouble, she just refuses serious medical care from time to time and then the caretaker must call the fiduciary and other people to take care of that. ( come to think of it, I don't raise my voice either!) The other woman in the home has a mother who visits her often and takes her out, like I take my mother out, so the caretaker pretty much just watches the home and the women. In the case of my mother she does not want to live with her children and be a burden. She also likes to have her freedom and this set up gives her a chance to be free but be watched. There is one person working in the home and he is paid but trained by the caretaker, and not specially trained for the work. I like him and he does a good job there in helping out, even if it is just answering a phone because my mother is afraid of phones but will talk on one if someone answers it! ( yes, wild, I know.) There are many positions like his.

Princess, the fiduciary that we use is a state employee and as we, her children, are named in the trust also, we recieved reports as to where money has gone four times a year as well as an accounting as to what assests are left in her trust as well as what new ones she has aquired. (For example my grandmother died two years ago and my mother was her sole heir so she received those monies too.) We can challange the fiduciary all we want and because she is a state employee, she works in the Pubic fiduciary's office. I would never trust my trust fund to any stranger. We put the money there while my mother is alive so she is watched over as a "protected person," regarding her money legally. If has worked out well. The money has been in this woman's hands for a long, long time and she has invested well and put up with my mother's strange needs such as "Get that T.V. out of here! They can watch me from it!" LOL You have to laugh at a certain point. I'm just having a bit of a hard time knowing that they must force the medical care upon my mother and it still makes me sad to see that have to happen to save her life. It's not often but it's time again!

Best,
Dancer9