I'm going to a service tommorow night at a church in town.
It's call the "Longest Night/Blue Christmas"
It's a service for those who are sad at Christmas due to loss and who find this time of the year difficult. It's hosted by the Pastoral Care Team.
I think this is a great idea. I will say a special prayer for my Dad and all who have lost a loved one.
Kate

One day at a time Kate....That is wonderful that these kinds of services are offered.

Well whatever breed she is, she is adorable. I too am an animal nut...So is Dianne who ordered a baby afghan for her dog Diz, which I gladly made for her. I wanted to add a really tiny one for Sammie her bird, but she said it might freak her out.

Just over a month and I still feel depressed at times.
This past week I was in a good mood for most of it and then last night I had an emotional breakdown. It just came out of the blue.

I felt really tired and listless and then had a full blown crying session. For me any reminders are tough. I had gone to the store that day to pick out a frame for a photo of my father. I was fine then. Went home then later in the evening I got really depressed.

These crying sessions are happening less and less. I would say the hardest part for me is that I can't see him again and I can't stand it. He was not only my father but my best friend.

Do I need counselling, or is this normal, episodes of crying still? When can I expect these to subside? Will they ever?
Kate

Kate, I've been thinking about you a lot and wondering how you're doing. This is a really tough stretch, these first few months. In my opinion and experience, it gets tougher before it gets better, because the longer we go without seeing our loved one, the more real it becomes that this is forever.

That hole will never go away - and that's okay. Time does heal our ability to co-exist with it, and to feel more joy than tears.

Crying is normal, sadness is normal, grief is normal - and there is no "perfect" timeline - some people say 2 years, some take 5 years but I think it starts to get easier after you've gone through all of the "firsts".

I don't think it's unusual for to go for counselling to help you get through the sadness. After Mom died (Dad had died two years prior) in 2001, I worked myself into a total physical burnout trying not to deal with the grief - then spiralled into a full-blown depression. So when my brother died this past year, I didn't hesitate - I went back into therapy almost immediately because I knew that I wouldn't do as well going through the grief alone. It was a good decision for me, my therapist was wonderful and helped a lot.

For me, though, it was my sisters right here at BWS who most helped me through the roughest dark patches. We're here for you, so many of us have been through this and know the agony of absence.

Others will have insight and wisdom as well. I say that if you feel the need to talk with someone, don't hesitate. Your minister, a therapist, your doctor - find someone, don't go through it all alone.

I agree. Grief takes a lot of our strength. I sometimes wonder if there's always something that we still grieve over, no matter how much. Grief in losing someone does come in waves. Those waves just get farther apart with time but I also agree on the 2-5 year thing. I also agree that sometimes a safe place like a good counselor's office, help us process that grief. My brother's death hit me like no other. It was 3 months after the fact when I sought counselor and she assured me that I was "right on time" at 3 months. Things were too quiet and I needed an outlet because I thought I was going crazy. Now, like I've said before, I can smile and talk about his life and the "sting of grief" is very much reduced.

Oh Kate, my heart goes out to you and Eagle and all those who are grieving. It's good that you share your thoughts with us.

If you think it may help, please share with us what kind of father and friend your Dad was to you.

Every blade in the field —
every leaf in the forest —
lays down its life in its season
as beautifully as it was taken up.
—Henry David Thoreau

Grief is as much a part of living as joy. When my Daddy died, I went into some sort of frozen state. I did not cry immensely like my sisters and Mom. I was frozen in time. I knew once I let go and grieved, I was admitting he was truly gone and in my brain, I felt I would somehow loose the connection. Does that make sense?

However, during this time, it was extremely painful to be around other members of my family, especially Mom. I could hardly walk through her house because of the pictures surrounding me of Daddy. He was my best friend.

One day I was visiting Mom, about a month or so after his death. She casually mentioned something about him, and then said, "Oh, I meant to tell you, your sister Amy sent you this picture for you to keep." She walked over to me and handed me the picture. I took one look and I crumbled. I cried, and cried, and cried. Mother became worried because I could not stop. I don't know how long this went on...but probably about 20 or so minutes. Deep, wailing...deep suffering I had bottled up, and longing to see my Daddy, just one more time.

I finally stopped and when I did, Mom said she just didn't realize how much I held inside. She knew I was prone to do this, but she explained how healing it can be to own your grief and just it it be what it is. Work through it, show it, live it, whatever it takes because only then can you honor the life of those that have left.

I felt so much better afterwards and understood what she was telling me and in such a loving way.

You are so normal, friend of mine. Please honor that grief and the life of your sweet Dad. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to miss him, by all means, shout it to the Universe. Whatever it takes to help you work through this.

I STILL have my moments. But I love the fact that I finally realized he is here with me, and Mom, and my sisters. They never leave. Not really. Beautiful, isn't it? Just knowing this.

It took me a very long time after my Dad died to be able to look at a picture of him without breaking down. I had a beautiful portrait of Dad and Mom hanging in the living room. It took me a long time to realize that the reason I hated sitting in a certain chair in that room was because it forced me to look at that picture and feel the pain. It was even worse after Mom died, so we took it down and hung it in our family gallery going down the stairs.

Now I love to look at pictures of them, though it's still painful to look at any of Gary. But that's okay, I know it'll come with time. Whenever I pass any of them in the gallery, I blow them a little kiss and ask them to keep watching over us all.

Thank you everyone. My father and I had a incredible relationship, very close. We laughed all the time and just had a wonderful connection. He was my best freind and that is why I feel such loss. We could talk about anything. When I was younger our relationship was sometimes strained especially in the teen years. But,in the last 18 years we have become very close.

Since my divorce. He has been the man in my life. He was there for me big time helping me through it. We started meeting for coffee every Friday over 10 years ago and did that until he passed away.

Jaw Jaw what you said really hit home. I am not frozen though and have periods of crying that last for a long time. But, I can't go to their apartment. I just can't. My Mom is unhappy about this as I can't visit her. I went twice at her request in the past month and it upsets me too much. She is grieving in a much different way. For her it is a relief as their relationship was very toxic. Mainly because she had deep resentments and would not let go of the past. She nagged my Dad constantly as she had unresolved anger issues with him. Instead of going and getting help with her issues, she chose to make my Dad pay so to speak. She mentioned the other day how she is finally getting a good nights sleep. That he always kept her awake. He had his leg amputated five years ago and does have to get up in the night.

I can understand her situation looking at it from the outside, but when she says stuff like that I just want to scream at her. I am trying to accept her way of grieving. My Dad had a go with the flow attitude, my Mom tends to be bitter and gets stressed out really quickly. I had a wonderful loving relationship with my Dad, she did not. I find this quite sad but only they know what went on in their marriage and it is not for me to know.

Also she has been through this many times. With her parents, a couple of her brothers (in the war) and other close people in her life. This is my first experience with losing a loved one in my adult life (lost my grandparents as a teen)
This is also the most devastating experience for me. I love my Mom but she is a prickly person. She holds on to the past and then brings it up constantly. My Dad was a real calm person and easy to talk to. If we disagreed with each other we would laugh about it and agree to disagree. My Mom gets all huffy if you disagree with her because she always has to be right.

My brother who is a pastor, sent me a pamphlet on losing a loved one and it was very good. The only part I can't get through at this point is it says you have to say good bye. I can't do that, just can't. For me my Dad is still alive. I can't accept that he is gone. I know that is why I can't go to their apartment. It makes it real and I don't want it to be real. In my mind I know that he is gone, but I don't want to accept it at this point.

I have some work to do. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know that in time it will get easier. I was starting to think that there is something wrong with me but it really only has been a little over a month. I need to be patient.
Kate