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#133129 - 01/18/08 05:59 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Kate, my opinion would be to follow your heart - I can hear how very important this is to you, and I think that you just need to listen to your gut, your heart and your intuition and go with that - and be okay with going alone! Wanting to meet your relatives within the context of finding out more about your Dad is perfectly understandable. Again, IMHO, your Mom should try to understand that need in you and give you her blessing to go.
Is it possible that she doesn't really want to go, but might be playing yet another control/guilt game with you?
What if you compromised with her by asserting your intention to go to Denmark alone this time, but make plans to take another trip just with her, somewhere she'd like to go, like maybe one of those shopping trips?
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133131 - 01/18/08 06:38 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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One thing that going alone might help with is "perspective" - you've been dealing with such a bombardment of negativity during this time of grief - I can tell you from experience that it would probably be a huge relief for you to get out of that negative environment and into one where you will find life, roots and perspective - and all of that will then help you to go back into your Mom's environment refreshed and rooted in what you gained from the journey.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#133133 - 01/19/08 07:52 AM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
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After reading others posts, Kate, I think it's possible that you may have to get tough enough to say "I'm going through with this alone" and then go....and let the chips fall where they may. You don't get alone with your mother well and it seems you'd be damned if you do and damned if you don't no matter what. Follow your heart on this one.
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett
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#133135 - 01/19/08 12:46 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 03/12/04
Posts: 1177
Loc: Decatur, Illinois
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Kate,
After reading your thread I just wanted you to know I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you have to use some tough love and do what you feel is right in your heart. I also understand about someone watching your precious pet! Good luck and go for it!
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#133136 - 01/19/08 01:31 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: Sherri]
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Member
Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
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There used to be airlines that provide free airfare if you accompany cargo. If you were to sign up for a trip like that, your mom couldn't go. I had a co-worker that used the program to visit some relatives in England. That was 25 years ago...things were different. I don't even know if they still do it. Just a thought.
You need to go, and go alone, for your own reasons. Your mom would like to go, for whatever reasons. Could you go, and her join you later, after you've made clear your boundaries. The ashes are yours to handle as you desire, but ask yourself, what would your dad be thinking if he were watching your actions and privy to your thoughts right now. Make him proud.
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#133137 - 01/19/08 03:16 PM
Re: Dad's & daughters...Problem
[Re: gims]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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My Dad would want me to go alone. He knows what my Mom is like. I don't want to join her later as I don't get along with her. I can only tolerate her for two hours max. When she is around other people she embarrasses me so much as she talks about stuff she knows nothing about and argues with people. She even argued with my Dad's Danish friend about Denmark. She told him about a custom there and he is from there. He said that is not the way it is and she told him he was wrong.
She is extremely negative. I have tried to help her sell some of her things (my Dad's family heirlooms) as she won't give any of them to me, now or when she goes. When the auction people came over, two different companies, she called me up at work to tell me what "stupid idiots they were" her words, and there were more of them.
Then I sent over a person who may be interested in some of the medical supplies of my Dad's, they were stupid idiots also as they didn't buy anything. I was given a long discription of how they dressed, simply awful, what they said, idiots etc. This is what she is like. I can't stand negative talk about people (now I'm doing it myself)
She told me that my Dad's parents sent him over to Canada to get rid of him. That is what she thinks of his family. She also told me on his death bed, we were both standing beside him that he never spent any time with me when I was younger. My Dad was comatose, but I knew he could hear her. I was horrified. I adored my Dad and she did everything she could to turn me against him. Negative hurtful stuff.
I can't go on this trip with her. Why she thinks my Dad's family would want her there is beyond me as she always put them down. My Dad would be proud of me if I stuck to my guns and finally stood up to her as both of us have not been able to. She can be a real bully. Kate
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