Dancer, this is so true. When we understand that some people just can't hlelp themselves because they are so entrenched in anger, we do have to feel sorry for them.

"I think I will go to my father's funeral because all of my therapy has defused much of my anger toward him and turned it to pity, so long as I don't see him."

Anne,It is my own belief that your standard "minite man," as you call them never knew how to make love from the beginning! Let's face it, SOME men never LEARNED how to make love in the first place and when they are supposed to be able to take their time and know their stuff, (or so we were told as young ones,) they just, well...
they just fail to launch. I think the min. guys have been min. guys all along! LOL.

The ones my dancer friends tell me that have moved to kinky are the ones I worry about my friends running into. These types have one way, maybe, that they enjoy sex and IT is a kinky way that they have made their own. One I heard about was honestly a FOOT man! NOW THOSE, really make me mad if they are out there advertising themselves as normal, kind, understanding, love reading, love animal types! They are just trouble waiting for a woman in those ads!
Ha! We could come up with so many different kinds of unwanteds!
dancer9

I just got the "Motherless Daughter" book at the library today. The reading will begin this evening.

On another note, recently I've been having a conversation w/a friend who also lost her mother when my friend was 13, her sister was 9 yrs old. They, too, have been going thru issues, especially the younger one.

The older one, who is my friend (age 49) said that her younger sister, at around age 30, had a terrible time (21 years after her mother's death) and sought counseling. The counselor mentioned to her that, when a women loses her mother, her "growth" or maturity level is stunted at that age...thereby disallowing us to grow too much after that. We basically stay at the stage where we are at that time.

THAT statement made so much sense to me! All these years I've felt, inwardly, that I've not "grown up", never attributing it to being stunted at age 18.

As children, there are several steps in maturity, I understand. And when one of the steps is altered by the death of our nurturer, Mom, we are stunted.

I've been, and will continue to, discuss my findings both thru the book AND discussions with others, with my husband.
He said to me this evening, "Gosh, you are double-whammied! First motherless, then childless". It hit me again! I'm really a mess!!! But that's another issue that I want to take up with the author of the book after I read it. Not sure she covers a motherless/childless daughter since ones of her chapters is entitled "The motherless daughter becomes a mother".

Stay tuned!

(Thanks to all who are hanging in there with me!)

May your journey, Di in knowing more about your mother in memory and hence, yourself...will reveal the mountains that lie before, stripped of misty fog, etc.

Did you ever know an older woman, who you respected/turned to for advice?

Try to remember for those of us who have mothers still alive but not always have fantastic well-understood relationships, we still need/turn to 1-2 other older woman. Either consciously or unconsciously. I have. It's just reality...especially when mother's children...barely speak/understand the mother's language.

That is sad also, but there are workarounds.... if there are good intentions.

Interesting post as I just lost my Dad and feel anger towards my Mom as she constantly complained to me about him. I am working through this anger and it's not easy. She could never have the type of relationship I had with my Dad. What we had was a special father and daughter bond. He was totally accepting of me, but not of her.

In his later years he resented her constant nagging and invasion of his space and her controlling ways. Because he was in a wheel chair he had no way of taking a break from her. She really wore him down over the years. This was their toxic relationship though of which they both were apart of. I know that I cannot judge, just be happy with my memories of him.

Life is funny and I wonder if my Dad went first so I can spend some time getting to know my Mom and appreciating her for who she is. She does have a good side but her personality grates on my nerves something terrible. I have some anger towards her as she was very controlling and critical of me.
I actually realized today that the very thing I don't like about her is what I am doing. Being critical of her.

Maybe, hopefully I can start to see her in a different light as my Dad had all of my attention.

Kate

Need to bring this back up........

With my trip back home coming in a few weeks, I got to wondering WHY I am so entrenched in my early school days. I'll be visiting my grammar school...it was kinder thru fifth grade. All four of us kids attended, including Mom!

I've even contacted a fifth grade classmate...for years I've wanted to have a reunion of our entire classroom of 36 kids! then, I realized this:

Those times are so very vivid in my heart and mind because they keep Mom alive in my heart and memories. The years of deep nurture were so strong then. She was a stay home Mom for most of them until Dad lost his sight. But she was ALWAYS there. The school was small and intimate. ONE fifth grade class. And Mom even had the same teacher all four of us had!

Also, I spoke with the current principal and told him that I could walk into the building and tell him which teachers were in which classroom....who the custodians, gym teacher, nurse etc were. I amaze myself, believe ! I can recall where I sat in each classroom as well and what was written on the blackboards!

Strange, I realize. But I've never gotten over Mom's death and maintain what I can to keep her with me.

Yes, I know it's a good thing. But strangely enough, I am sorta hoping that it's so different than what I remember that my bubble is burst and this won't "haunt" me the rest of my life!

Life was SO wonderful then......clean, simple, moral and so full of new growth of becoming a person!

It was pure and wholesome. And I miss/need her so much that sometimes I can't breathe!

Di, good memories are a blessing no matter what they are of. Keep your memories alive, they should comfort you not haunt you. You made these memories, lived them, and thats a good thing. So many of the women here are haunted by BAD memories of childhood, so consider yourself blessed with these wonderful warm memories of your mom.

A nearby town has a weekly paper. In it photographs are shown from bygone events.Asking if anyone knows the people.This week there is a 1957 family gathering.Not my family but typical of the era.The spectacles worn the ladies wear and hairdos.It is quite formal there are are several children sitting on the front row who look like those friends I had back then.
The fact is that like you Di I believe these time were pure and wholesome.This other family group made me recall similar events in my family.Welcome home parties 21st celebrations and of course weddings.
Mountain ash