I want to clarify something in regard to my posts about not being able to face Christmas this year - I mean the gift, tree, turkey and jingle-bell part of Christmas. My entire family has pretty much disintegrated and I can't face all the empty chairs around our table this year.

But even in the midst of the inevitable sadness for all that's been lost over the past year, I know my heart and spirit will find and celebrate the "comfort and joy" that lies waiting for me at the manger.

One of the things I'm most looking forward to this year is being able to go to church on Christmas morning...it's a long story why that has never been possible in the past, but suffice to say that this year there are several services being offered on board the ship and I'm so happy - ecstatic even - at the thought of FINALLY being able to get to church on Christmas morning!

So I will be celebrating Christmas, because it's impossible for my heart to not honour the birthday of my Best Friend. I needed to clarify that, because I felt like I was commiting apostasy by implying a total withdrawal from even the spiritual aspect of a day that even sadness and grief cannot completely keep me from celebrating.

I lost any ability to talk to my mother or see her when I was 13. It was horribly painful and very hard. I had a step-mother who tried to be kind to me but she had her own daughter and I was old enough to miss MY mother. It was a nightmare at times. I still miss having a mother and I have all of my life. It's a wound one has forever, I think. At least mine is.
dancer

I miss my mom in the sense that our relationship was never a good one. I miss what could have been. When she died this past Feb., I felt some relief in that I didn't have to constantly battle with her about living my life the way I wanted to live it and not her way. Her constant criticism was wearing on me, even though I tried to tell myself all the reasons why she was doing it. For most of my life, she criticized me: how I dressed, how I wore my hair, my friends, relationships; there was no area of my life she was happy with. I have very few good memories of mom, and cherish those because they are so scarce. So I mourn what could have been and not what was.

If I can say it, Anne,this woman does not sound like anyone's friend. It is no one's place to come between a mother and a daughter even if it is a memory! She speaks out of line and she knows not what she speaks! She sounds like she only upsets you and may have no friends of her own. She needs to get her own life and leave you alone.
Be at peace with your and your mother's relationship and be sure that you knew your mother better than anyone! You are her child! You are the authority on your mother and no one should step in that!

I'm sorry that you had to listen to such trash talk, if I may say so. I'm sure your mother would not want you upset at all by this woman! Can you separate yourself from her?
I honestly cannot think of anything good about her when I hear how she spoke to you!

Again, I think she needs to live her own life!

Just my opinion,
dancer

I always felt so powerful because I was told that I was the cause of everything bad in our family. Oh, to have such control!

Finally! Orchid said what I feel...how will I act or feel when my mom is gone? She has never wanted a relationship with me and has tried to pit my own children against me since they were born. That backfired on her tho.

It's a sad and confusing place to be when you are already planning on an excuse when they pass so you won't have to go to the funeral. I mean, it's just sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was just posting on the holiday thread about my husband and his two estranged daughters. How sad that in this short life, even family can be so heartless and cruel. They involve some of the most intense emotions.

Anne,I SO know what you mean! From my friends that are single I hear stories of men with baggage, baggage, baggage! Enough to fill the plane all on their own! Men our age seem to avoid dealing with anything unless it's their occupation to deal and even then, some shirk the responsibility!
Being responsible for their own lives seems to escape them! They blame the ex-wife, the boss, the father, or anyone whom they think caused their lot in life!
I hear horrible stories of these men who are even sexually dysfunctional with women and pardon me, but only are comfortable with themselves! (GAWD! sorry!)

Is this what you find?

I knew my husband, as I've said, when we were children. Because I know the "real him," he has no place to hide and neither do I. I believe this cememted our relationship and made it honest with each other. I agree with your idea of someone you know, at least you know their baggage, right?

If he is willing to work on himself, I believe a man is worth the trouble if you are single and interested in being with someone. I tell this to my friends all of the time. It's their past they must face up to and that can be done while in a relationship if everyone is careful with each other. They just seem to have to face their past head on according to what I hear.
What do you think?
dancer

Dianne,
I wanted to say that I know of what you speak. I'm sorry about your situation and that you had one so close to mine. I, too, was supposed to be the problem with my family when I was but a child. If only we had that power, we could have stopped them, correct!
It is not your fault, but I'm sure you know that.
I think I will go to my father's funeral because all of my therapy has defused much of my anger toward him and turned it to pity, so long as I don't see him. Seeing him brings back roaring memories that I have already dealt with twice, once as a child and once as an adult.

I hope you know that you are delightful and I'm sure your mother had jealously issues and was probably scared of your talent, power and a growing girl who was showing such skills!
You showed them, didn't you! I'm proud to know you and as a fellow survivor, I applaud your life and what you have done with it. You are a STRONG woman to parlay your pain into something good and helpful, helpful for a life time!

Congratulations, my sister!
dancer9

Oh yes, Anne defensive! They say things like "I did that for/with my wife for X amount of years and I'm never doing that again!" Or they complain, "My X did that and I hate that!" Or how about, "I'm not giving up __________, I had to do that when I was married to her!"
Oh boy do they want the second, (or third,) to pay for what he sees as the former wife's sins! It's idiotic! They are full of defenses and will never get hurt they feel if they stay with themselves and give just a little bit of themselves away instead of a lot which they might have done last time! My friends tell me stories of these men and it's comical! They expect my friends to believe that they were married to these "witches," and they were so "abused," and misunderstood while they themselves were angels!
Protect themselves, keep for themselves, it's all about that now that they are over 40 and single! They don't realize that they turn women off when they are like that so it IS their hand, (sorry!) or the blow up doll for them so that no one takes away their "freedom," to pursue this or that ridiculas habit they have developed to kill the time when they were lonely!
And then there are their cars...
We call them the "small penis cars...

dancer

Anne and dancer, just read your few posts above.....the other wives pay the price. I've seen so much of this....and we could do a whole thread on this!!