Celtic and others:
Philip chooses to be a bum. He doesn't work. He doesn't do squat to help Mom around the house either. He's a slob and Mom has to hire people to help out while she has an able-bodied son who does nothing. And still she keeps coming up with excuses for him. He will take advantage of the situation as long as he can. Above and beyond the obvious free rent and room service, one has to wonder how he lives with himself. Almost no friends. No social activities. How can you be pushing 50 and not want a life with SOMETHING beyond his limited existence?

I made the mistake of opening the door to his room once (Mom won't go in there, period.) Magazines covering every inch of the floor, as high as mid-calf level. A giant pile of clothing in the corner of the room. Dirty dishes and dead food throughout the room. And this is where he spends most of his time.

He can't manipulate any other family members because no one will speak to him. When I last visited, he was so full of sh-- I wondered if he actually believed his own lies.

And Mom won't move out -- although she's been saying she wants to for 15 years. She won't do anything to throw out Philip. She won't file a legal complaint, nothing. She has said that if the rest of us file a legal complaint about Philip, she'll defend him in court.

Because the situation is so bad in her own house, she's depressed most of the time. My sister wants Mom to get on anti-depressants so maybe she'll have enough energy to do something -- anything -- but Mom won't take drugs and she'd rather be depressed and cry all the time which she does.

So you can see a little more of what the problem is.

merideathbead perhapps all that you can do is talk about phillip (to blow off some steam) as i can at this time see verie little area were anything can be done. Its bound to be frustratting and tough to see your mum go throug this and know she wont do anything to change it in any way.

good luck watching this one it just dosent sound nice at all.

how do you feel about your mum, and the other siblings missing out on there mums care and having visites?

Muslim women, other races, cultures spiritualities and religions, id love that orchid. Ther be bound to be tensions at times but well worth it for what could be learned about others life experinces.

dancer, I saw a show about the vets who have come home and are suffering from mental and physical injuries. It was heartbreaking. I could hardly watch. I honestly don't know how they carry on. They amaze me and are true soldiers in every sense of the word.

orchid and celtic, I'm reading an interesting book called The Faith Club. It's written by three women. One is a Muslim, another Christian, and the third is a Jew. I really like it so far. They gathered to write a book (after 9-11) for children to understand the similarities between the three faiths. After many meetings, they learned the book needed to be written for adults because they recognized how little they knew about one another's faiths. So far, I recommend it.

Meredith, there is something about motherhood that keeps mothers protecting their kids forever. Do you think she feels sorry for him and wants to protect him? I'm sure she wonders what he'll do without her. Kinda sad, but true.

Meredith, just as well to show your mother some newish places that she could consider for her next phase in life. Really, she has to plan for future and if the focus to her, was about her health and better place to live..then later her son, can think about his own future and place to live.

But yea, easy for us to talk here...maybe your brother is part of Internet communities which keep him in his room. No need to interact heavily with outside world?

Mom just spent 10 days at my sister's house in Connecticut, she goes home tomorrow. So it's not as if she's being abandoned by her other children.

When I visited 2 years ago, Philip had a brand new computer -- presumably that Mom bough for him -- and he hadn't connected it yet. I offered to help him with it but he came up with evasive excuses. I'm sure he still hasn't set it up.

I've sent Mom brochures for nice senior housing communities here. Both my sister and other brother have taken her to Florida to look at senior housing. She always has an excuse why she doesn't want to move there.

It's pathetic, and it's sad.

Dancer -- I was on this topic late last night with a 6am wake-up for work, so I didn't get a chance to comment on your story. I'm so sorry you had to live through that abuse. I really have no comprehension of people who have children and then hurt them like that.

Meredith,
I feel so badly when I hear of all the problems you are having with Philip! It sounds, through all your posts, that you have thought about just about everything you can to get him out of your mother's life and stop his mooching off your poor mother. It seems she cannot take much more off him!

Have you thought of Adult Protective Services? If you can show them that he is detremental to your mother in ways that they can understand, they will take action to protect your mother from him. They are good here, in Arizona, when it comes to such things.

My mother has been severely disabled for many, many years. We have used everyone from Adult Protection when a "boyfriend" moved in to leach off her trust fund to the police when she refused medical help.
There is a way, we just have to find it.
Why you try to help, remember, you are NOT to blame and this is not all your responsibility. You are trying SO hard to help your mother but make sure you inlist the help of your siblings and any friends who might be likely to try to help you with this.
This can be SO hard on someone, taking care of one's mother has it's own pitfalls and issues! Please think of yourself as much as you do your mother and take good care.
It's hard, as I said, to see you suffer so as you stress to find the answer. I'm glad you are getting it out on this forum where people really listen and care what you are going through. I can't think of a better place to be for having friends who care.
Is there a site that deals with caring for parents when they reach this stage of life? I'll bet the internet has tons of stuff on this sort of thing. SOMETHING will work, Meredith, but take good, good care of you and take a break it it starts to get to you.
You are an artist as I am.. Use your art to take you away from it now and again and being creative can cure all our stress at times, no?
Best, very best to you!
dancer

I hurt so deeply for those who were abused as children. It changes their lives. So many of you here are wonderful with the freedom to open up. I admire you. Especially Dancer because I know it causes pain to type that much with her injuries. Bless you for sharing.

My father was mentally abusive. It took me years to get rid of his voice in the back of my brain but I finally did it with the help of a good therapist.

Ladyjane...all I can say is my heart aches for what you've been through.

Thank you, Dianne. You are very kind.
Dancer