Regarding the question by dancer of what post partum depression looks/feels like...as in anything, it would be something very individual, different circumstances, etc. Everyone gets a huge hormonal jolt after giving birth. For some, I believe it's worse for whatever individual reason. Also, I believe that much depends on the person's personality and background. For me, the last half of pregnancy was the happiest moments of my life. I was very content and calm, although feeling the normal concerns of what giving birth would be like. But I was just a happy mama at that point. I was only 21 and had been in a volatile marriage for 3 years already. Still, the impending birth seemed to make us both happy and serene. Life seemed to be good. After the birth which was long and traumatic, I had an instant change. In the hospital I cried continuously, felt incapable of taking care of this sweet little baby and just feeling like I was going "crazy." My mom, unfortunately, who lived only a mile from me had the belief that one needs to take care of their own child and should not look for help. It was her belief that you leave people alone with new babies for the bonding process to take hold. Weird. I so needed her those first weeks to just be available and supportive. But she refused. I was exhausted and terribly depressed. I cried when the baby cried and when she didn't. My husband came home one day and found me sitting on the floor in the middle of dirty laundry having a total meltdown. Three months later in the photos of my daughter's christening my arms and neck were totally bruised where he beat me whenever he drank or something wasn't "just so." It was a terrible time of life. I was ashamed and wouldn't tell anyone how I was truly feeling or about the abuse. I hid in my apartment every second that I could. I began to hear voices telling me how awful I was as a person and that I couldn't do this or that. We moved to the city shortly thereafter. When my daughter was 6 months old I was working full time. Things had gotten so out of control with my thinking that one day I had a total collapse during my work day. I don't remember the details of how or why. I know that rescue took me to the hospital. They found that I had been cutting my arms for months. I went through my first months of hospitalization then. My mom, who was never there for me, actually took the baby in during this entire time. I was a wreck off and on for 5 years, always on heavy medication, sometimes suicidal, hearing voices and labeled with every possible diagnosis out there. What finally happened was that I started talking about the abuse from my grandfather as a young child. I also obtained a divorce from my husband on the ground of cruel and abusive treatment. Unfortunately (??), I remarried him 13 months after the divorce was final. Actually, his act was cleaned up, he went to seminary, became a pastor and we lived a wonderful marriage until his affair in 2001. Anyway, I only skimmed the surface obviously. There were so many...too many details woven through this. I wrote a manuscript about this experience in 1989 but truthfully, I hate the story. It just exposes too much for comfort for me. To this day I still take an antidepressant. There are times when it needs to be increased and other times I try to live without it. However, I get to about 3 months before I need to get back on it. It is thought that there's a permanent chemical imbalance in my brain. It's part of me now, part of my history and my current everyday life. I feel fine unless I stop. I really didn't feel as well until the newer antidepressants were introduced in the 80's. They were a godsend to me...drugs that really do have you feeling human again and don't sedate. Fortunately, my daughter has had none of the problems that I had. I was always so afraid of how she might be affected.

thanks for asking dancer.
LadieJANES covered it well genrillie and in good deatail with her owen storie. I'v points in common with ladie jane so some things are more liklie to couse similare reactions in most people.


Babie born hormones started shifting. I had been physicallie unwell in pregnacie but thought over all goal ie having a babie was worth more than the pain. I had pelvic arpiothipie,sp!! just means ligaments round the joints streach as they should do but streached too much alowing bits of static bone to move about too much ie i sneezed and dislocated my arm.....I had a c. section, not the most romantic of ways to birth but sertinlie the less effortfull opption lol. After birth my demestic situasion got unpridictible, unstable and strange. i also had a high court case for visitasion writes to a child created within a past relashionship. it went to high court took a yr for date to come through and i knew i was gonna lose before i went in but i had to try anyway, if their was one inch chances of seeing that kiddie again like manie parents i would have taken it and i did take it. The court case was vicouse, i lasted 3 days in witness box, it melted me mentalie. The reason for this and the high presure and why i knew i was gonna lose became aparent in judes opening remarkes. The case itself changed a bit of legalitie in this part of the world. My demestic situasion became so riskie and unpridictible that i had to leave just before the court case so was stuck with frends and womans aid during the case. All together thats quite a big handfull of stuff within the time that was ment to be classicalie ideal, tender soft and safe. It wasen't on any counts.

I felt i had to leave the countrie, i went to scotland for a bit. Oh i was also studing a masters degree and it came to disertasion being written up so i continued to do so in scotland. The studie and the child save my life at the time as much as it gave me lot of presure and was stretched carring and doing, still recovering from the c section and the PA, life was physicallie and emotionalie painfull and uncertine.

i started having useless thoughts, not good enough thoughts but was shaking them off and kept going. I became suicidale. not being compulsive i had some type of responcibilitie to the child and consider i would live it to the best of my abilitie and make provisions practicalie and financilie for him for when i was dead. Can you imagine lol. dieaing would be most productive thing i could think of doing but if i took care of things then i rest that i had fullfilled my oblicasion, yea i know warped thinking but thats the nature of this bleeding thing. To top it all i didn't conmsider anything wrong with my thinking but thought it was best plann. Cut long storie short i became more detached from myself in real terms while managing to keep uo with my practical stuff ie studie and babie care. I went back to belfast at a point before returning to scotland a mate i chatted to ordered me to doc's and pointed out how strange and unlike myself i was and how not right my thinking was and they onlie knew some of the stuff.

anyway i responded quite well to antidepresent at lest enough to have me relise killing myself wasen't right, i wanted back home to god. I had to stay heer and live out my oblicasion and responcibilitie to the child, that was the right thing to do. So i did and heer i am, long haul from their too heer, some more medicasion changies a big lump of humilitie and i made it through ok. I did get smellie and not/didn't take care of myself, i was still in physical pain and about all i could do was feed clean and be over protective of the child.

This is a blessing as some mums reject their kid, i had no other choice, if i didn't do it for him he would have diead. I do still get more dowen in dark of winter, yes its winter now lol. i also like LJ think brain chemistrie been altered as well as longterm effects of domestick stuff still takes its toll. The pain of not seeing other kids still tough at times. Stranglie and ironicallie situasions have occured thats gonna bring me back into contact with that other kid, i looking forward to it and dreading it at same time, but thats a diffrent storie. My sons still my world, god had impeakable timming for if it haden't had been for him i would have let go having had no real reason to keep going. The court case and domestick situasion alone would have rock my world to core anyway.

My anger pain depresion focused around my owen neglect and harm not of childs (in fact it was all i knew how to do, he was well but i din't fell like i was doing a good goood job),i had some volentrie organisasions for kids under 5yr olds poped by couple times a week. I had no familie in northern ireland and could barlie keep a frenship going. I lost contact with frends, i isolated. It was later when i was well that one key worker (lisa)told me if i had gotten a wee bit worse they would have taken lucien from me and i been involunterillie institusionalised. She vouched that he was well cared for, i wondered why they make appointments and sometimes come by unannonced lol, i see why now. She took that job (being an accountant by tranning)of becouse she had similare experinces (PPD)He (the child)would have had to be fostered if i had had my responcibilitie taken from me and i belived he was more adiquitlie cared for then, i might have reverted back and killed myself at that time. Taking or leaving a kid with mums a vital steap for social services, a lot of risk with either desision and thats presure for them.

My degrees psycholigy, my masters (msc) in councelling spacificallie in self-harm. i felt sillie not knowing my illness had gottan as bad as it had.

My knowlage motivated me in careing for child for his sake and long term effect it may have had on him. My knowlage didn't save me or it wasen't enough to have me relise i was getting unwell, to degree i had done. Plz be carfull and kind to new mums who look like they aint coping so well, do wee favours for them, let them sleep, listen to them one never knows the potencial diffrences it will make

Oh i forgott i had a big car crash when child was 9 mounths i almost neralie diead in that crash but was left and still have physical problems from then till now. By that time it was hard but i was no longer suicidal, still badlie depressed but still wantting to live. I celibrated in a good way and what a quite joy i had knowing we made it on his first birthday. He's gonna be 4 this febuarie, i'm still making it. ther's not a hugh period of time between then and now so i still take care of myself ok enough and go get help when i need it, i'm proactive becouse i aint going back to weer i had been. but there is a world of diffrences between then and now

big bit of writting afterall, no bullet points lol,but i did leave some of the more hurtfull bits out.

left untreated, sometime even when treated that condistion (PND,PPD)can develop untill the woman is compleatlie delusional, more extreem cases will have woman belive her kid is christ reborn, therfore all and everieone a threat to the kid. The other direction can have woman belive the child is eveil and satan, therfore the woman becomes a threat to kids saftie. Theres also more mid range delusions that aint as extreem as that that can still just having kid neglected, bounding process not occuring all this has mum feeling more guilt more usless etc, becomming a worse depresive cycle.

1 hormones shift alone can do it
2 expectasions of life after birth is never quite how one imagines even when life is ideal, some woman have harder time adjusting to workload and diffrences in her life.
3to much insecuritie after birth can couse it.

any of those factors and or hormonal shifts alone can couse PPD some women get it in small way other in big big way.
the more of the above factors are present in the womans life then the more liklie she is that PPD occures.
All of them can trigger it off indivdualie by themselfs, some women have all of this and don't get it.

like much of the mind and indivduel diffrences, we are all unike who knows how anyone will react for better or worse to anything.
it just goes to show something that we are physicallie desined to do can still couse caose in our lives, even at the most presiouse and joyouse time in life. A lot of woman cover up how they feeling due to guilt at that time in thre lives, trying to forces a realitie that isen't their into place and just pretening its all ok. even if a woman has an ideal life, everiething she ever wants or needed and she can still be looking a bit dowen. It can be just that, a bit dowen, a bit tired. At other times its a bit more seriouse for one reason or another woman find it hard to talk about and express how things are for them. we all get cought up in that new mum thingie, life's wonderfull myth. I don't know just its a seriouse thing and something that takes guts to come to terms about and go looking for help. Some woman aint diagnosed for yrs and therfore go untreated for yrs. Thats a lot of myserie for them their families and potencial difficulties for kid in later life. I worked with one young mum, washed kid picture of happiness in front of hubbie but when he was gone left kid in play pen all day din't bother with it and aonlie feed it 10 minuets before hubbie came home from work, keeping up apperances and pretending that all was great. At the time i had a hard job not judjing her, or mums drinking or drugging to get through this period. If one rembers people aint well, its a reall couse or basis to a bad bad depression pluss some other things throwen in it get easier to understand. Even when mums hurt their young kids. I not justifing this type of treatment of kids and i belive in any instances the kids gotta be protected first and foremost. However i do have a bit more compasion for mums that struggling if i bear this in mind.
now we are the older ladies maybee younger mums look to us for bit of help support becouse of our age and wisdom and life experinces. My frends kids are having kids lol. just something to bear in mind when we meet young new mums.

promise that the wee leacture over lol. good luck being of service, a young mum may need you thats close by.

Celtic, Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it could not have been easy to write about it. I understand well how you suffered and I see you went through a whole lot at the same time you were stuggling with post partum!

It helped me on a personal level in a couple ways. It helps me to understand a young woman I know and it helps me to understand myself in my first pregnancy. It was not known, post partum depression, during the time of my first pregnancy but clearly I was suffering. I have had to battle depression once or twice in my life so I take an antidepressent to aviod any problems every day.
I feel better about myself knowing there is a name for what I suffered so young.

Thank you so much.
dancer

Lady Jane, As I posted to Celtic, it has helped me greatly to read this. It helps me to understand a young woman I know as well as myself many years ago before anyone heard of post partum depression. It was considered very rare and very, very intense when I was young and had my son so if you didn't exhibit very bad behavior, you did not have the illness. We know this is not true now and it helps me forgive my behavior and feelings at the time when I was struggling. It was in the very beginning of the 80's when I had this problem and although I sought therapy, they sighted my childhood as my problem when my problem was clearly, (now,) post partum depression! I wish more had been known then about the subject!

Lady Jane, I know it can't be easy to write about your experiences but take heart that it helped two women that I know of already. I know of a woman showing these symptoms and this will help me to help her as she talks to me about her feelings.

It makes me wonder if it is more present in those with an MI in their family though. I know that I have a close family member with a mental illness as does this friend of mine, the young woman.

For me, one pill, an antidepressant, fixes depression. I am lucky. I hope this is true for this other woman.

Your story shows you to be strong and I admire you for your survival and ability to help others like myself.

Thank you Lady Jane,
dancer

Orchid,
It must be hard to work through depression without the help of medication. I think it's great that you could and would, some time, love to hear how you managed. It would interest me very much.
dancer

It sounds, Meredith,like Philip is most of the problem. If you could find a way to "starve him out," if he does not work, that might be a way.
I know that with my family member, because she has a trust fund, there would be hangers on or family members coming around to ask for money for this or that and take advantage of her,
We decided to get a nuetral party to manage her money so that family or friends could not touch it or manipulate her out of her money. It has worked very well for many, many years! We leave the decisions to this fiduciary and that prevents any arguments, etc...
Could anyone take responsibility for your mother's finances and thereby get Philip out of the picture? Does he live off her money?
You said he did not work.
I relate to your frustration, Meredith, it's so hard to see someone you love weaken and be taken advantage of while feeling helpless to stop it.
Please let me know as this develops how you are?
If you need to talk, please PM me, I'd be happy to listen.
Best,
dancer

DANCER
the other events can add to the degree of PPD or be the last straw so to speek that tips someone into PPD. and again for some they get their via hormones alone.

great to hear you have gotten some self-understanding from all thse stories and that also you can help someone in the hear and now with this type of thingie.

meradithbead NBPD or just BPD is borderline personalitie disorders, with the n its for narcisistic sp! self-loving lol. don't know can't rember or have time at min to read back and see if you said you ggoled it or just mentioned commented on it not being Bi-polare for you brother.

hope you as a familie find some resolve for it all soon

Meredith,
BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder and
NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
You can google them both for a list of symptoms.
dancer