We had over a hundred children come to our door last night (Hallowe'en). Hubby usually hands out the treats, since I'm not a big Hallowe'en fan. In one of the longer lulls in the evening, the doorbell suddenly rang a long series of constant rings - without a moment's hesitation, and with great excitement, I jumped out of my chair and ran to the door - it was Gary's ring! It wasn't until I got to the door that I remembered that it couldn't possibly be Gary...but as illogical as it was (six months since he died) I found myself wishing with all my heart that it would be him standing there when I opened that door.

The poor kid at the door didn't know what to do when I burst into tears...

All our senses are used in living (I typed loving by mistake)
and for me smell...of soap of apples of furniture polish evoke home..But its when our guards are down we get surprised like you did Eagle.Also certain hymns at church get me right in the heart..especially children hymns which make me childlike emotionally.Keep the faith Eagle.
Mountain ash

Triggers, for me and for most anyone, happen suddenly. I've written about this before here. You can be going through your day anywhere when something happens....the first few bars of a song, a scent (which I think is a biggie), an observation and WHAMMMM, you get hit in the heart and soul immediately...no matter how you were feeling or what you were doing when the trigger happened. It's grief. It can well up from your toes like lightening. Eagle, my big brother passed away suddenly 12 long years ago at the age of 52. He was 12 years older than me and like a second Dad...actually more like my real dad when I was little. We shared a love for 50's music and the era all our lives and constantly exchanged doowop music and our interests. I've accepted that this is a real part of why I go to sock hops, have 50's outfits and loads of CD's of old music. (And what a bargain when I met and married a man 3 years ago with a gorgeous '58 classic and one who restores them also!) Sorry to digress like that. The anniversary of his death is Monday the 5th. I've learned that with time you hopefully learn to let the emotions come and wash over you and keep on draining off. I don't let them cripple me as they did the first year or two but, again, that's time healing. Eagle, my heart goes out to you. You will feel all those things and learn from them. Those darn triggers. I still get weepy over certain things and it's a part of my life now that I've accepted.

Anne, sorry to hear about the job, but perhaps it's a blessing you didn't get any morei nvolved. I understand your need to tell Mom. I recall that today.

I was just at my niece's and she had this soap in the bathroom that smelled exactly like the bar of soap I decorated for Mom while in kindergarten. It was a craft we did for our mothers and Mom saved it. We simply used beads and attached them to the soap with straight pins. Simple. but she chose to save it. I'll never forget that scent.

I thought it was cool that I was at my niece's when it happened. I was visitning her and her husband, and their two year old daughter whom Mom never met.

Eagle, wow, what a disappointment. As you know, these things will get better with time. I have a certain knock I use when I visit Dad.

I can't go to Temple services anymore. I cry (wail) through them because it was such a big part of my Dad's/our life. I still want to call and talk to him about everything. My sense of loss has lessened in the last five years, but not by much.

I had my tonsils removed when I was seven.I had lifebouy soap then.Granny said it was special for hospital.If I ever use that I reall the cubical bathroom.Think our brain and scent are closly linked.A suvival thing perhaps.
Mountain ash

I think the scent thing is huge! Can anything else take a travel back in time quicker?

I love a pleasant smell and it always heightens my good mood; but a bad smell, and I am instantly ticked off and even psychically ill. My nose is ultra ensitive...must be the bloodhound in me.

my mums perfume was quite a stronmg one and the car and seat belts smelled of it for a while after she diead, a strange feeling in the car at times. Happie to smell it but sad at same time. my mum diead boxing day DEC 26th. it was the whole next yr that walking past the perfume shop seeing her perfume and thinking "oh i go with then old trusted favourites that i would get her a bottle for christmass". I think it was at the point, when i knew i couldn't buy her it that i trulie relised that she was reallie dead.

eagle lifes gonna be strange like that for a while. Then comes a time that ones is no longer so easilie triggered into those tyypes of memories of certine people. That reallie is another sad time and stage to be in.
i whish ya well at this time eagle xx

Thanks Celtic. I've missed your voice and presence here.

This holiday season is intolerably painful this year. It's downright excruciating. The difference between this time last year and now is too painful to contemplate. Because of Gary's death and another ongoing family crisis that erupted the same week that Gary died, my family, the family I've celebrated Christmas and life with for 50+ years, no longer exists. Compared to the houseful of family that played and laughed here last year, well, it's mind-bogglingly sad.

As I said in another post, the only thing keeping me sane is shopping for my granddaughter. Perhaps I've latched onto the mission of making her Christmas happy as my lifeline through this season. I'm also increasingly glad that we booked ourselves on that cruise at Christmas. The deeper we get into the season, the harder it's getting to keep my head and heart above the grief.

Eagle Heart, just want to let you know how I sense the pain in your posts, and at the same time I admire you for doing your best to try to overcome and make the best of your life. My heart goes out to you, and I send you ((((Eagle)))).

When I read these, I dread the day when my mother is no longer with me. I’m sometimes so worn though, between grand child, husband and caring for Mom. I know I don’t do enough with my mother any more, not like I used to. I hope and pray that my DIL will come back at the end of this month and take her daughter back. I need more time for myself and for my mother. I’m beginning to feel a little resentment towards my DIL; she is neglecting her mother obligations, which I fullfill for her,…but because of that, I neglect my own mother. In a few weeks we’ll know how things will develop.

The smell of tar always triggers a childhood memory. Where my grandmother lived it seems the side walks and streets were constantly being tarred. Also the neighbourhood houses put tars on the garage roofs. I like the smell. It reminds me of summer days and grandma’s warm hands stroking my hair. It reminds me of playing with my brother in the backyard, and us sneaking over to the neighbourhood fields to swipe apples from trees. Is there any tar smelling perfume on the market? I’d buy it.

Thanks Hannelore, for your gentle soothing compassion. I am in a lot of pain, and I've been trying to not let it leak out everywhere, but I think it's a losing battle right now. Family means everything to me. And Christmas has always been such a joyous celebration for my family. It hurts that it's all gone. So I'm pulling back on my posts, because I don't want my pain to steal anyone else's holiday joy away.

But in the midst of the pain, I do see God's mercy and compassion. When one door is closed, God opens a window...I've lost my birth family, but my husband's family is becoming more and more a part of our lives and the grandchildren are becoming the new centers of our family celebrations. So I'm sure that when this "first" painful Christmas passes, I'll be ready to enter into future Christmases with renewed joy in sharing them with our grandchildren.

Tar perfume? Hmmmm. Tar is one of those scents that does evoke childhood memories for me too...but not as tantalizing as Dad's BBQ hamburgers at the cottage...now there's my perfume of choice! (Can you imagine all the dogs that would follow me down the street???)

I'm just popping in on the conversation. I lost my password and had to get another. I'm having issues also, Eagle. Christmas definitely triggers feelings within. I do totally understand.

I just got moved from my site, where I was happy, and knew all of the kids names to a new site where I don't know any of the kids or parents.

It feels like I've just moved out of my community.

Having lots of anxiety attacks today. Hope they will get better.

But, whether this had happened to me or not, I still get "in a mood" at this time of the year.

Just wanted you to know that I think it's a pretty common reaction to the holidays. Missing people even more, and realizing that things are not the same.

Yes, focusing on your grandchildren will help. Also, volunteering at a local school??? Children lift my spirits. Maybe they'll help you, also. Just volunteering in an art class, music, or wherever you have an interest in a particular subject.

Love ya and hope this helps.

Emily