Eagle Heart, just want to let you know how I sense the pain in your posts, and at the same time I admire you for doing your best to try to overcome and make the best of your life. My heart goes out to you, and I send you ((((Eagle)))).

When I read these, I dread the day when my mother is no longer with me. I’m sometimes so worn though, between grand child, husband and caring for Mom. I know I don’t do enough with my mother any more, not like I used to. I hope and pray that my DIL will come back at the end of this month and take her daughter back. I need more time for myself and for my mother. I’m beginning to feel a little resentment towards my DIL; she is neglecting her mother obligations, which I fullfill for her,…but because of that, I neglect my own mother. In a few weeks we’ll know how things will develop.

The smell of tar always triggers a childhood memory. Where my grandmother lived it seems the side walks and streets were constantly being tarred. Also the neighbourhood houses put tars on the garage roofs. I like the smell. It reminds me of summer days and grandma’s warm hands stroking my hair. It reminds me of playing with my brother in the backyard, and us sneaking over to the neighbourhood fields to swipe apples from trees. Is there any tar smelling perfume on the market? I’d buy it.

Thanks Hannelore, for your gentle soothing compassion. I am in a lot of pain, and I've been trying to not let it leak out everywhere, but I think it's a losing battle right now. Family means everything to me. And Christmas has always been such a joyous celebration for my family. It hurts that it's all gone. So I'm pulling back on my posts, because I don't want my pain to steal anyone else's holiday joy away.

But in the midst of the pain, I do see God's mercy and compassion. When one door is closed, God opens a window...I've lost my birth family, but my husband's family is becoming more and more a part of our lives and the grandchildren are becoming the new centers of our family celebrations. So I'm sure that when this "first" painful Christmas passes, I'll be ready to enter into future Christmases with renewed joy in sharing them with our grandchildren.

Tar perfume? Hmmmm. Tar is one of those scents that does evoke childhood memories for me too...but not as tantalizing as Dad's BBQ hamburgers at the cottage...now there's my perfume of choice! (Can you imagine all the dogs that would follow me down the street???)

I'm just popping in on the conversation. I lost my password and had to get another. I'm having issues also, Eagle. Christmas definitely triggers feelings within. I do totally understand.

I just got moved from my site, where I was happy, and knew all of the kids names to a new site where I don't know any of the kids or parents.

It feels like I've just moved out of my community.

Having lots of anxiety attacks today. Hope they will get better.

But, whether this had happened to me or not, I still get "in a mood" at this time of the year.

Just wanted you to know that I think it's a pretty common reaction to the holidays. Missing people even more, and realizing that things are not the same.

Yes, focusing on your grandchildren will help. Also, volunteering at a local school??? Children lift my spirits. Maybe they'll help you, also. Just volunteering in an art class, music, or wherever you have an interest in a particular subject.

Love ya and hope this helps.

Emily