I just read this entire thread and had to sit back and take a deep breath and pause. I have nothing to say. I just want to acknowledge that I admire all you women who so strong.

Thank you all for sharing.

There is so much to respond to. You've all written about intense trauma. Songbird wrote "which only brought me closer and deeper in my relationship with God. It made me search for His purpose in my life." I always thought it was about searching for my purpose in God's life, or why does God want me here? I need to mull over His purpose in my life. I attempted suicide several times as a teen, but the worst attempt I was 25, and I did have a near death experience. My deceased father whispered to me, "No Lynn, not this way." For the next decades, I went through a mind, body, spirit transformation. When I was 48, I had breast cancer, discovered much the same way Lady Jane describes. It was not the initial lump that was concerning, it was the nest of lumps behind the initial lump, which could only be seen via ultra sound. I had six months to do something or it would be too late. Doing something meant bilateral mastectomies and chemotherapy. Chemo and therapy are contradictions in terms. Like Meredith, migraines were the plague of my existence. 60 days a year bedridden. Like Meredith, I many times thought that if I was dead, the pain would stop. With chemo, the migraines were so fierce I was hospitalized and on steroids to stop the migraines. The irony is that 23 years after my last suicide attempt, I was fighting for my life. Chatty, you are one of the strongest women I have ever "met." You are in no way a coward, considering some of the circumstances you have had to endure. Dancer, I too find ways to "sabatoge my life" as you put it, and that is something I am working on in my new life since cancer. I take a long time to make changes. I do not open to whatever talents and specialness I might have. I'd like to know how to do that. Mountain, I can sense some pretty deep pain, and I'm sorry for everything you had to endure. Same to all of you who have experienced trauma and pain. Life is for the learning, I think

Princess Lenora,
Your post was so moving and heart-wrenching. Thank you for sharing. It was so honest and deep, I admire your words.

I should comment that I've found that anything I have sabotaged has been something I've really not wanted to do. If my heart was not in it but it seemed like an amazing chance, I'd sabotage it to get out of it, if that makes any sense.
I am fearless when my heart is in it. I soared right into working with people like WAR and BBKING, and many others when I was only in my twenties. I had no fear when doing that. I only feel fear when I feel that someone else is "driving my bus," or that I am being lead down a path I don't want to take.

I hope you, too, are fearless and be what you want to be, shining brightly! You've certainly gotten to know yourself well.

Again, I admire your deep reaching post. Thank you for answering.

dancer9

All of you beautiful ladies are to be admired for your strength. I'm in awe.

My life changed when I knew I was going to drown while trying to escape my abusive husband. It was my wake up call, which was needed! Something needed to jolt me out of my denial.

Whenever I start to whine "why me" I really do ask "why not me." Is it true that noone really escapes trials and tribulations and trauma?

I try not to do the "why me? whine" either. Everyone has their issues. The older we get, the more likely it is that we lived some kind of trauma, whether a one-time event or ongoing pain. Last week's migraine went for 5 days, and I barfed blood on the 4th. Definitely not a good thing, and I went to the doctor Monday. Seems I ruptured a blood vessel from too much upchuck. And now I'm fine, and life is fine. You do what ya gotta do and go on. At least I'm grateful that I have good days in between the crappy ones.

Dancer, my life has changed a lot since my 20's. Our past of course influences how we arrived at the places leading to today, but I don't define myself by yesterday.

I look forward, and I see the Path.

Oh Meredith, OUCH! That had to be just awful. Been there so I know how awful it is...not the blood part though.

Dianne, this was the first time I ever barfed blood, and it was a fair quantity and a little scary. My doctor suggested that I go in for an EGB (esophogal gastro buobenoscopy) to make sure that there's no internal damage, although I'm thinking that probably I'm OK as I've felt fine since then -- if there was damage, then I'd still be having problems, right?

Meredith
the fact you asked us means you should go for the check up.
I know you are busy but go just to be reassured.
A tip...slippery elm as a drink.I use this (for the other end!!!)
Love
Mountain ash

Meredith,
Since you aren't sure you are alright, that worries me.
Do you think you should be seen by a doctor be be sure?
It could be broken blood vessels if you were throwing up, but who knows?
dancer