I just edited a book for a truly beautiful woman who has lived her entire life close to death and when returning the manuscript I also enclosed some bookmarks I get from Dotsie and a little introduction to this site and the marvelous women here. I hope when she gets it, she will stop by. She can teach us so much and also learn from some of you. Her name is Mimi...her story is an amazing one.

I started this thread for help to cope but did not tell my story...
It started about three years ago. I was dancing and at the top of my game still. I had gone to doctors for years telling them about a severe pain in my neck. Because I was a headliner and I was in perfect shape, they examined me and let me go, telling me to take Motrin in large amounts but it had stopped working years earlier.
Finally, I fell while dancing and landed on that place in my neck...
It took me three DX's to finally talk a doctor into giving me and MRI on the area. During this time I was loosing what I can call my "life force," or everything was shutting down. I was unable to walk more and more, breathing was hard,and my pain increased to me lying on the floor and sobbing at times. I was ready to let it all go.

The MRI revealed long term stenosis which was severe enough to be affecting my spinal cord and my nerves. I was told to put on a hard brace and not to leave my home until surgery. The doctor who had put off an MRI called me with the results and was crying and apoligizing. I put him on speaker so my husband could here what the MRI revealed as well.
It became a game of "save the dancer." I got the best surgeon in the city because there was an article done about my case and asking doctors to "step up to the plate and help _____________." One did and I had my surgery. I had my spinal cord freed and I was given metal in my neck.
I am alergic to metal which I told this surgeon when he proposed the sugery. I do not have pierced ears and cannot wear a wedding ring even if it is platinum. Still, he had but in Titanium and said no one was allergic to it.
Soon my body started to reject the metal and I became very, very ill. I was medicated with Fentenal patches for the extreme pain they said I would be left with. After awhile, the metal started to buckle in my neck and I was home, on floors, dragging myself about and nodding in and out of knowing what was going on. My internist tried more pain relief but I told them I was dying and I knew it.
Finally, after some months, the surgeon had another article appear about my plight. His rep was on the line and he called me in for another MRI.
My next surgery to remove the metal was the next day in the early AM. He removed the metal and my neck stopped collapsing. I stopped dying but I was very week from the two major surgeries. I am 5'8" and I weighed about 100lbs. I could not hold food down and I was reacting badly to the patches. I went to the specialist that everyone said was the definative word on what happened to me and he told me that "they did surgery soon enough to save your life, but not your arm, or your pain." What had happened is that my spinal cord had been compromised and I had a deficit forever in my left arm. It was weak and would stay so.

A couple months after this surgery, I had an infection. It turned out to be a gland in my neck that might have been injured during the long surgeries on my neck. I was told it had to be removed so I prepared to have yet another doctor cut my throat. It had been about 14 months so far, and I had two surgeries already so I had not recovered.
I had that gland out as I was disappearing and trying to learn to control my new Chronic pain.
Four months later I had another infection in the same place. I learned after another MRI that the gland had only partially been removed.
I went in for another surgeon to cut my throat and take the REST of the gland out. By this time the scar tissue on my neck was a real problem. I had one of the best surgeons in the city do it and what was a 45 min. operation took 4 hours as he peeled back my skin's layers and avoided the nerves to my smile, my vocal cords, etc...

And so I was left to learn to control the extreme pain and to heal. The months between surgeries I drifted in and out. Although they wanted to hospitalize me I decided to stay at home because according to them, I was fine after the first surgery! I drifted in and out as my family moved about me scared to death and started to talk away from me and whisper. I was alone by that time facing my body feeling like it was dying with no explanation to take to my family or a doctor.
It took my husband hitting rage to get me in to have the second MRI that saved my life. I would have been left there on floors and in beds to let my spinal cord collapse at the neck level.

It has been a little over a year since this happened. I am now dancing some and trying to heal. My emotions have not yet settled but I am trying. I felt rage, very depressed, sad, alone for the first time since I was on stage all of my life, I felt helpless.
I know I do not hold back now, not ever. I do not know what I will be like when the whole thing settles in my mind and for that matter, my body.

This is why I asked the question. I spent a long time in between life and death as my spinal cord took damage. Many things changed inside me. I'm not done though.

I thank you all for answering my question and all of you helped me so very much. I know it was a hard subject but you stood up and answered it like the strong women you are. You've no idea how much your answers have helped me. I am just so grateful.

I didn't think my story was all that interesting and I didn't want to lay it all out and focus on me. I guess I should have told it earlier.

Thank you for reading.I'm sorry for the typos and for the grammar mistakes. I am severly dyslexic and was exhausted after writing this so did not re-read it.

dancer9

Its your turn..dancer

Thank you, Mountain.
D.

meredithbead,
Your last line about finally getting the life you wanted, interested me very much.
If you are able, and don't mind, could you tell me a bit abotu it? You don't have to and I understand if you don't but I thought I'd ask.
I am in a place that sort of feels like that so I noticed that line right away.
dancer

To all: I am not finished with the process of dealing with what happened to me and coming to terms with it, so I should say that. I am not that far post-opt so I am still "waking up," and realizing I am not going to die yet.
I wanted to mention that.
D.

Dancer,

Reading your last story was hard for me, because I can't comprehend that much pain. It literally hurt to read of your pain -- I, who was hit bodily by a truck, who almost died, who had cancer. I who lose ~5 days per month due to migraines (and for the record, I'm on my 2nd full day in a row now, which is when the depression kicks in and I start thinking about "If I died, at least maybe the pain would go away.") And even through this pain, I realize that my stuff pales in comparison to yours -- not that either of us really wants a contest.

I didn't say "the life I wanted." I said "reclaimed the life that I had abandoned." Two very different things. You see, when I hit my mid-20's, I ran away from everything I was. Ran away from the achievements that I thought everyone else made too much of. Ran away from the no-achieving people who lived vicariously through me and pretended to be my friend.

I was used to being the lone wolf, and didn't like being on top of everyone's radar screen. So I ran away. Stopped being me. And alternated between anger and depression for many years.

The cancer was my 4th "there but for the grace of God ... could died" gig. And I realized it was time to stop running.

If you have time, read some of the essays on my writing website http://www.meredithlaskow.com which might explain more.

I too felt your post deeply moving.
I will process and answer later.Sometimes this universe stops what we want to do for our greater good.
I have another part of my life I have not shared(As many others ill have too)I am not ready to share this .Nor do I know if this is the right place.
I admire your courage dancer and sensed from the start of your posts a strong woman.Let the lovely people here help you..as you help others being here.
mountaina sh

Meredithbead,
Thank you for the reply and thank you for your compassion. I will say that my life in that time was terrifying. I appeciate that you could feel that.
I think I understand very well what you are saying about turning your back on your potential some years ago. It must have been so strong as to scare you? I' sorry for that.
But...you've started to accept your abilities now you said?
In what areas can I ask have you opened yourself to being gifted as you always were?
I'm so pleased for you. I'm happy to hear the lightness in your tone as you talk about opening up to your talents and specialness! I'd love to hear about that too.

I, too, have run from some things. As strong of a career as I have had, I've turned down some pretty profound offers and things I could do that would be big. I am ready too to stop stopping myself. I hope I can clear the way emotionally for myself so I can bite into life fully.
I know you understand what I mean.
No time like the present, right?
This forum helps me to remember not to sabotage my life and to take from it all that it offers.

Thank you so much for your post!
dancer9

Dancer the womans book I just edited and did a lot of rewriting for her sounds similar to your story. You need to write a book about your ordeal and help others to see that there is life after near death, and such intense suffering.
I so admire women like you and Meredith so much. I am such a coward when it comes to pain, and proceedures and I fear them so much...

I will take that deal, Chatty. And when I do,I will have gotten to know a certain ghost writer who is great, and who lives fairly close to me, in Vegas!
You are a wonderful person yourself, Chatty.
dancer